This is not the most glamorous story you've ever read and it is not the best-written account ever. But it's my heartfelt desire that others can learn from my pain and realize peace in Christ NOW.

Of all the regrets I may ever have, my biggest regret is that I didn't meet Jesus sooner!I was born in 1968. After being an o­nly child for 7 years, my sister was born. My sister seemed to garner a lot of preferential treatment, even beyond the norm for the youngest child. I got in trouble many times for picking o­n her, whether I did so or not. Many times I confronted my parents o­nly to basically be told it was all in my head. Feeling like an outsider in my own family, I resented my sister and my parents. This was something that never got resolved or even acknowledged by anyone but me.

For the most part, I was still pretty happy-go-lucky and a good girl until I was about 13. My tolerance was quickly fading for the favoritism and extreme physical punishment I received (extended spankings with whatever was handy, face-slapping, .....)...as well as the emotional garbage of being treated as though I was an inconvenience. My mouth was the beginning of my problems. By the time I was a senior in high school, the problems extended to swearing, drinking, part-time smoking and the beginning of my sex life at age 17...and more of my sharp, quick tongue. Needing a place to......

Needing a place to "ground" and raise the children, my parents chose our local United Methodist Church. Most of my childhood and teenage years were spent in that church In fourth grade I was given an NRSV Bible and after completing Confirmation classes in junior high I became what the church considered a full-fledged member. At the age of 7, I was baptized alongside my newborn sister. The o­nly thing missing from all the excitement was my personal profession of Christ as Savior and Lord of my life.

After being accepted to a small Methodist college, but later receiving a random phone call, I decided to switch gears and join the military. When I was 17, my parents happily signed the paperwork for me to join the Air Force. I'm sure their pride in my decision mingled with the hope that their oldest daughter would "shape up". Basic training was exciting for this wimpy girl and what an accomplishment for someone like me! It was also a pretty cool feeling to be a woman in the military.

My first husband ^(#1) and I met shortly after arriving at Ellsworth AFB, SD. Until that time I'd had many sexual relations with guys but never a real relationship. Looking for love in all the wrong places - and ways - the old maid life seemed to call more loudly each day. Prince Charming faded into more of a vain dream than a real opportunity; and without Christ in my life, a good husband and family seemed the ultimate accomplishment and o­nly way to know true acceptance..

Still a non-Christian, the first marriage lasted about 4 years and the last year of that was spent o­n two separate continents due to his assignment and my separation from the Air Force. During the marriage our oldest daughter joined us. Right before the UK assignments I had an affair and along came my son. In retaliation my husband also cheated o­n me, calling it justified because I'd already failed. The marriage ended o­nce he returned stateside, with him winning primary custody of my daughter and me just scraping by in more ways than o­ne.

Still in the process of learning my lesson, the former wanna-be party girl emerged again and o­nce again sex was the substitute for love and self-worth. A real interesting twist happened when, pregnant a third time, abortion suddenly became a very real option. Praise God He didn't allow the funding or support to go through with the whole thing!! However, six months into the pregnancy I did make the decision to give up the baby through private adoption. Unbeknownst to me then, God supplied great peace and comfort during the whole process. Yes, it was mainly for personal gain, as o­ne child lived with me o­n welfare and the other shuttled between two parents. But God knew what He was doing and worked things out HIS way as I was still living the worldly life and had even less of a clue then than I do now!Before that pregnancy was over, I met a new guy ^(#2)  and ended up spending about a year living with someone I thought I loved. After leaving the Army he quickly jilted jilted me after I'd moved across the country to be with him in his home state. Suddenly alone and again penniless, my aunt and uncle agreed to help me out and soon I was o­n a Greyhound with my son to be with them.

Soon after my arrival my aunt whisked me off to a Bible study. An evangelist led the group and early in the week I told him I wanted to be a better person but didn't like the "old lady thing" of reading the Bible every day. That was my view of good, Christians and it sounded like the most boring life ever! The man offered me a bit of a trial offer approach by asking what I had to lose by asking Jesus into my heart? If I found myself consumed in my new place with God through Christ, I was guaranteed eternal life and peace. If I chose to desert Him later, I would still go to Hell. That made sense and worked for me. Right there, after the Bible study even my son fussed in another room, I prayed with the evangelist and asked Jesus into my heart. I didn't experience o­ne of those radical outbursts or extreme conversions like some people have. But I did feel an immediate peace, like a hole that had long been in me was now filled and until that moment I don't even know if I knew there was a hole. That was June of 1993. _{(1st time with Jesus)}

For the next couple of years I felt more alone than I'd ever been. My parents were hours away. By then, we lived about 15 minutes from a very tiny town. Just me and my son. I had two jobs so I interacted with adults Monday through Friday. Basically the o­nly people I really knew as any type of friends were people from church (I went back to the same church I got saved in). The church members had spouses and families and lived a fair distance from us. It was a very hard time but I was able to spend a lot of time with reading the Bible and journaling my thoughts and prayers...sort of feeling my oats in this new Christian direction.

On April 21 1994, after 11 long years of battling leukemia, I got the call that my sister had died. Immediately my thoughts turned to the status of her soul. During the funeral weekend my mother unexpectedly shared o­ne of her journal entries with me, though, and she read aloud about a time when my sister went to camp with a friend then had a with Mom about salvation. Even though my sister was a liberal person, a peace settled in my heart that she was okay. Her death was hard to bear since our relationship had always been stilted.

When I decided to move back to Iowa not too long after, an old girlfriend found me and eventually hooked me up with a guy who later became my second husband. ^{(#3rd guy)} There were warning signs from the start but I really thought they were just personality traits I could learn to live with and overcome through God. At the ripe old age of about 25 I felt old and desperate. By this time I had both kids with me because my oldest daughter's dad died in September of 1994. After living with husband number two first (big mistake!) and a short time of married life, I found myself faced with his sexual addiction .... When he refused to change or take the need for counseling seriously, I prayed and pondered and counseled with my pastor. Ultimately that counseling centered o­n Christ as the source of self-worth). God hates divorce. This strike two and falling out of grace was not high o­n the to-do list. But for safety and sanity reasons the divorce papers were served. Leaving such a disgusting situation was not as difficult, but the heartbreak and burden of disappointing God...again, this time as an accountable Christian, wounded deeply.

The kids and I stayed in Oklahoma but moved o­n while I worked at a neurology clinic, working from file clerk to transcription corrections to medical billing within a year. I had a very flexible boss and no real problems with my co-workers even though o­nly o­ne other woman was a born-again Christian.

Too quickly, the thought of being alone stirred up too many unwanted scenarios and I met someone via a non-Christian personals ad. I tried to live a double-minded Christian life...giving God my attention o­n Sundays, after giving a local club with my girlfriend attention the night before. Later moving in with this new guy ^(#4) didn't seem so bad either. In this new relationship I gradually and quietly faded out of church life and even my daily devotion and prayer life. I justified it and even tried to tell myself that this person could be changed (he was not a Christian) even though he was very confident in what he thought of life and morals and religion.

This double life came to an abrupt halt in the spring when that person basically called it quits, said it was him not me, blah, blah, blah and he left. That completely devastated and an agonizing, slow death by heartbreak taunted me. Fully knowing I was pining over something that wasn't meant to be, I still ached day after day.

Finally I took my Christian co-worker up o­n her invitation to visit her little Hispanic church. Despite language barriers, I felt at home and very welcome there. People would get to services early and just pray at their chairs. It was wonderful! They had a great sense of fellowship and support and eventually I even offered my home for a few Bible studies, which was a great joy for me. As I re-grew into a closer relationship with God, I was still hurting over personal rejection and unrequited love but I knew that God Himself had intervened to set me o­n the path HE intended. My depression was lifting and I needed to move o­n.

One day in July of 1999, God revealed the answer to the long-time prayers for a man who really knew Him and the reason why He redirected my steps. That reason was and is my current husband. ....... By that October, he had flown to Oklahoma to marry me ^(#5) and a few days later we drove back to California as a new family. When we returned to our new home, I met his 3 children from his former marriage and our new life began.   ( that means they have 5)

Against many odds we stand firm as a couple in Christ. We often refer to our marriage as an arranged marriage...arranged by God. In many ways we were strangers to each other and yet God ultimately orchestrated everything between us. Together we have committed to a proper list of priorities: God first, then spouse, children, work and others. The marriage has come with a lot of heartache and division in our families. We have suffered for our marriage and also for our passion to speak boldly of Christ and a committed life.

One thing we always agree o­n is that God is bigger than any of our problems or losses in life. Whether it's leaving behind a home or a child or our possessions, we know that God is in charge of it all. No matter what people think of us or our commitment level, we are eager to live our faith. We are not content to just sit back and let life happen around us. Many people say they have fire for Christ and yet no o­ne would ever know. We say, let that fire BURN! Our extreme faith has been our lifeline and no o­ne ever knows what it truly means until they have literally said "yes, God!" despite family, finances and other security. Having stepped out in that kind of faith we've found ourselves more blessed than ever in a way that o­nly the Lord our God can bless someone and we will be forever grateful.

At last, at age 35, my life has become the picture of perfection and harmony! I am wise and holy!NOT!I can't believe what God has done for a sinner such as myself. Sometimes I feel I even have Paul beat. After all of the heartache I've put Him through and all the years it is still taking me to get it straight with Him, I just thank God so much that I was allowed to have the opportunity to change...for real this time...and my sin life doesn't have to follow me! My heart now beats with such an urgency to make God my priority.

I believe Christ's return is closer than we might think and my heart breaks for people who are so sure they are going to Heaven and yet nothing but mere words convey a truly committed life. There's little point to saying the "Sinner's Prayer" if you're still living the same way as before! For people to mock Him by such actions or by denying Him outright is an outrage. o­nly God knows what will happen but I wish I could give my level of sincerity and severity to everyone so that they will see just what He is truly capable of and realize that faith is alive AND it's action AND it's full of passion AND fire!!

If all God allows me is just o­ne more breath to say, "yes, God!" I cannot complain. I have been through a lot in life and continue to face multiple challenges daily. Some of it is self-inflicted and some comes with the territory of being bold in Christ, as the Bible encourages us to be.

I am typically reluctant to share my life story as the past is not something to glorify and there are always those who could use it for evil. But, for the sake of serving Christ with an obedient heart, I can share this testimony. Having been through these refining fires I am deeper with God and further in His knowledge than was before and if I had to choose between an easier, more comfortable life o­n the surface and the refining fire that deeply cleanses and purifies, I'm going to have to say, "Bring it o­n!"