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Posted by: Jerry Gaffney on Tuesday, May 28, 2002 - 06:17 AM

I STILL THOUGHT HOMOSEXUALITY WAS OK AND PREMARITAL SEX WAS JUST A CHOICE AND QUITE NORMAL......

Dear Jerry:
Writing this was very hard for me. It took me days. The Lord wanted me to write it. Afterwards, I realized that this was as much for me as it is for you. I'm giving it to you as a gift of thanks, and to the Lord also. I know you probably get a million of these but if you would keep this and share it with whoever needs the message of it, I would feel I shared a piece of me for Jesus.
I was brought up in a Christian home. My parents had me attend church sometimes as a small child with my grandparents, but they never attended themselves. My family, not having Christian values, became and still is very dysfunctional. There was no show of affection in my house or any attempts at mended hearts or feelings. A lot of anger and "trying to sweep an elephant under the rug syndrome." I FELT MUCH REJECTION AS A CHILD, and as I grew older, started to BLAME GOD. I was mad at him for giving me to people who I thought didn't love me and I took all this as a form of rejection from God. I actually thought he didn't love me. Either that or he had forgotten about me.
By the time I started High School I became so self-destructive I hated everybody, my family, God, especially myself. My heart became so hard, anyone trying to get close to me was insulted and totally squashed. I lashed out at anyone who tried to help me. BY THE TIME I GRADUATED MY ARMS WERE FILLED WITH SCARS FROM WHERE I HAD SLASHED THEM WITH RAZOR BLADES. I never wanted to kill myself, only to feel the pain and see the blood. I HAD A VERY STRONG DESIRE FOR THE PAIN. Even now I can remember craving and needing to do it as if it were the most addicting drug. Everytime I felt mad, (which was often) I locked myself in my bedroom and CUT MYSELF UNTIL I FELT I HAD DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE TO MY BODY TO SATISFY THAT STRANGE HUNGER.
Even though I had not accepted the Lord yet, I prayed often. I prayed to be in car accidents and other violent events. Not having self-esteem or any regard for my body, I prayed for breast cancer so I could cut off part of my body I hated most. I thought of myself and my body as worthless. I POURED NUMEROUS POISONS INTO MY BODY, and I know it's only God's glory that I'm not a drug addict today.
After being kicked out of my parents home a number of times, the Lord put me into my Aunts home. She's a Christian and brought me to your meetings. From here I started to learn about God and Christianity. I can remember, very clearly, almost an instant struggle for my soul, (I didn't know it then though) the day I moved in with her. Every time my aunt would try to talk to me about Jesus I would throw up a wall as if to say "I don't need this, I can live without him. I'm doing fine on my own." I think what I really felt was "I'M SCARED, HE'LL REJECT ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE OR I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM, I DON'T DESERVE IT." At the same time I was feeling all this I was extremely thirsty for knowledge of Him. I asked questions and made fun of the answers my aunt was so patient to give. I made fun of the answers and truth to cover up my need to know. You see, it was ok to ask about Him and Heaven and ridicule to hide my curiosity, but I didn't want anyone preaching to me.
A RULE IN MY AUNTS HOUSE WAS WE HAD TO GO TO CHURCH (OH MY GOD, PRISON ON SUNDAYS!). This started another war in me.
Everytime I stepped in a church I felt an overwhelming sense of oppression, and wanted to run as fast as I could out of there. But I didn't, I sat there with my head down and not looking at anyone. I felt I was being torn in half. I was so scared I bawled my eyes out every time I went to church for months. During these times at church I would think of my family and all the pain I felt in my heart. And I think now, as you say, the Lord was breaking my heart. I didn't know it then, but I know that now. JESUS WAS FIGHTING FOR MY SOUL AND SO WAS THE DEVIL.
One year later at age 19, I accepted the Lord. My life was at rock bottom trying to live by my own rules and without Jesus. I was sitting on the floor at home alone crying so hard I thought I was going to get sick.
Finally out of total and utter dispair, I said "OK GOD, I'M YOURS I'M GIVING IT ALL TO YOU. I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO CARRY THIS ALL MYSELF. PLEASE HELP ME. I ACCEPT YOU AS MY SAVIOR, JESUS PLEASE HELP ME." That was 4 years ago.
So for the last 4 years I've been saved and considered myself a Christian. But these past four years have been almost as hard as the first 19. Being brought up in a worldly sense I STILL THOUGHT HOMOSEXUALITY WAS OK AND PREMARITAL SEX WAS JUST A CHOICE AND QUITE NORMAL. It was hard for me because I lacked the knowledge. (At this time I had my own house, I didn't attend church any more because I thought just accepting him was enough. I had read the Word.) Homosexuality was a big part of my life - I was not homosexual myself but 75% of my friends were. I was a dancer and there were many gay persons in this field. I spent a lot of time in Seattle in the gay community and marched in gay pride parades. Dancing and colorguard were my passions and I wasn't willing to compromise my support for the homosexuality for anything. But the battle was always in my mind.
There were so many issues I struggled with. It would take me forever to name them all, but the point is- I struggled. I didn't just give in to satan's side. I had a conscience now.
Through it all I got closer to God every day and didn't even know it. I was learning more and more from his lessons. My prayers started to be answered, and I learned to be thankful for what he had given me.
But there was still this bitterness inside me no longer toward God, but life itself. Bitterness towards my family, especially my family. I started to blame them for everything. There was (and still is) mental and emotional abuse. It was so hard for me to remember the Lord when I walked into their house.
Last week I was slain in the Spirit. Two days later I was baptized by the Holy Ghost and spoke in tongues- something I thought I was not worthy of. As it turns out I was way overdue.
I need you to know that because of the Lord working through you - I HAVE NO BITTERNESS, I DON'T BLAME MY FAMILY ANY LONGER, I ACTUALLY FEEL LOVE FOR THEM. I HAVEN'T FELT THAT FOR YEARS. I live every second in Jesus, I wake up with Him and feel actual love and worship for him. Instead of praying for things I want, I pray to praise. I cry at what he went through for me. I cry when I think I have the whole rest of eternity to spend with Him.

I AM FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND JOY, SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE EVER!!!

Thank you so much Jerry for being available to do the Lords work. I thank Jesus everyday for you.
S. B.