Thoughts on singleness
Is it okay to blog about something that is more personal without putting in a lot of scripture? I keep coming up against people who think I'm weird because I actually ENJOY being single. I do not feel the need for a man. People either tell me I'm lying and deep down I want someone (I only want who God has for me, and I am perfectly content to wait or to be without as long as He wants). Or they say I'm wired different than most women. Or, they keep encouraging me to get married or ask when I'm getting married or talk to me about this or that man who might be interested...or is this or that person a possible candidate for me to marry? Other women talk to me as though they just assume I want this as desperately or as much as they do. So, is there anyway to explain to people what's really going on?
I try, on here, to tell people I am happy as a single...and they can't understand how they could ever be happy as a single (inference: how can I be?). And I tell them if they can't be happy as a single, they will never be happy as a married. Marriage is NOT a source of happiness. HAPPY people make happy marriages. Unhapy people make UNhappy marriages. So, you have to learn to be happy in the single state. If I tell them this, they often think I am telling them something impossible. They think the reason they are unahppy is because they aren't married. I see many people who are married who aren't happy. So I can't figure out how they have swallowed this lie.
Getting married to find happiness is a trap of the devil, as far as I'm concerned. Once you get married and STILL aren't happy, who will you blame? Your mate? Or God for giving you this person when you have marital problems? Realize: a PERSON can not and will not make you happy. That is a total lie. Read scritpures and you will find the source of joy and happiness is the Lord! If you are expecting your mate to make you happy, you have put your mate in the place of God. Only HE can satisfy and fulfill us and make us joyful and happy!
I just don't know how to express to people (a few get it) that I truly and honestly have learned to be content...and they need not feel sorry for me that I am single. (I haven't dated for 17 years, BY CHOICE.) Some will say things about praying that God sends the right one and how we're tired of getting all the wrong guys. It's not even about that. I have prayed for the right one...but so far he hasn't manifested. But life is not about finding a mate. Look at Adam. It does not say that Adam thought it was bad for Adam to be alone. This was God's idea! Marriage is God's idea! So, I just wait on Him for His timing in this if marriage is for me. Adam was doing what God told him to...then, God brought him a mate.
I serisouly never intended to be single this long. When I was 22 I desperately wanted to get married. In my mother's day this was considered "old maid" age, and she was married at 22 as was my sister. So my Mom told me I'd better hurry and get married when I was 22.... Well, I'm 47, now, sorry Mom...
I just never did "find the right guy." Or was I too picky? I don't know. I had a litmus test: Will being with this person make me happier than I am now? If I couldn't say "Yes" I passed them by. And now, of course, I know a person can't make you happy. But they can add to or increase that happiness if you already have found it in God.
There are a lot of reasons I could want to ditch singleness. I was raised beleiving a woman's place was in the home (in accordance with the scripture that says a wife should be "a keeper at home."). This was always my dream. To be home rearing children, taking care of the house, etc. while my husband worked outside the home. That would be the #1 reason. I was taught all my life that's what you did: grew up, got married, had kids, so on. I still believe these principles...unless you are called to be single, which I guess I have been up to now. So, I've worked through the years, all low paying jobs...which brings up another reason to get married. I need a better income. And maybe my husband earns more than me. I know once I get married, I will quit working outside the home (strongly held conviction that I believe is in keeping with scripture). So, I need him to make WAY MORE than I do right now. I also have much physical pain right now, and though I keep praying for freedom from it, it does persist. So, not having to work a shift every day would bring some rest to my body...though if children and household chores kept me busy, that would be tough on the body, too. You would think I might just grab at some guy as the answer to my problems...but that would be wrong.
So do I really never want to be with someone? Well, I can't honestly say that I never have wishes to be with someone. But, over all, I have freedom to do what I want (as long as it's not a sin) without answering to anyone but God. I don't have someone "breathing down my neck," so to speak, someone I always have to consult, consider and cordinate with when making plans. I don't have someone to argue with and try to get along with...except other family members, which is hard enough. Nothing against marriage, but it is HARD. We are supposed to count the cost before entering into commitments, so I am going to THINK CAREFULLY, before marrying someone. So here is where people say "But aren't you lonely?" And I say "alone but not lonely." And "alone" is actually a lie, because Jesus said He would NEVER leave us or forsake us. So, NO, I am NOT lonely (I wish I could yell it until all believed me!) and I am NOT alone!!! Is Jesus not enough for others, I ask myself. I guess not, I conclude.
Praise the Lord for each and every single (you know how you are) who has come to accept this state with grace and contentment, who has put God first above all and who refuses to get married just because it's the thing to do. I am SO GRATEFUL for all of you, and I have met some of you. Not many, but some. God bless each and every one of you greatly!!!
I have people tell me they are lonely...they just want someone...they just want to be happy...they want someone to make them feel attractive...they don't want to be alone...and, yes, they want sex. There was a time I definitely felt that way, too. For a while it was about the sex (we are human, after all.
). For a while it was just the expected thing to do. You graduated school...and shortly, you got married. Not so, in my case. So, what did I do to combat the "desperateness" I used to feel about wanting to get married? How do I no longer feel all those things I mentioned above that others say they want out of a relationship? Mostly, prayer and drawing close to God. The closer I get to God the less I want a man. It's that simple. When I'm thinking how I want someone, I begin to pray and focus on God until soon GOD is all I want.
My new motto of life is that I don't want someone to need me, and I don't want to need someone. I just want someone that I WANT to be with, who I choose to enjoy the journey with. He has to be someone who increases the anointing on my life...and someone who will add to the happiness I have found in God. The only one I should NEED (in the truest sense of need) is God. I know we need others...it's not that we don't. But as to needing a mate, it's just as with Adam: that is God's choice and decision when to bring me the helper suitable for me (or I was made for man, so to bring to my husband the helper suitable for him). Or, if I fall in the category of those He wants to remain single, to accept that and obey Him and serve Him as a single.
When I mention singleness to some people (that possibly it's what God has for them), they act like it's the plague. They absolutely can not conceive of a future without a mate. In fact, I knew a gal who said she could not be happy unless she was married. She married a great guy, and they had two children. And she left him for another man!!! So, as you see, marriage DID NOT make her happy. Why do people even refuse to CONSIDER the possibility of singleness? As if if they even think about it for a second, God will consign them to singleness for the rest of their lives...and they won't be happy? If I even mention it, some get mad. They say I don't understand or don't want them to be happy or something along those lines.
In this whole singlness area, it's what does God wnat, not what do I want? I would not have chosen singlness, perhaps, but God has brought me to a place of contentment in Him. There is this other little detail in my life that keeps me single. I feel He has promised me someone (shown me visions of this man), and I have not met him yet...so still I wait. I did not expect to be waiting this long. But it has brought me to a unique position of speaking into the lives of singles and encouraging them to enjoy singleness...and remain single as long as God wants without complaining.
Hormones? We all have them! But they ARE managable. With God ALL THINGS are possible. And sexual temptations can be overcome. There is masturbation, porn, fornication...and the "lesser" sins of lusting after someone (same as fornication in the Bible, so not "lesser," in God's eyes). All of these actually are forms of fornication, aren't they? If you are lusting after someone good looking on TV or feeling sexually aroused by a sex scene or the other one, that not much talked about masturbation, you are basically fornicating...that is having sex with someone other than your mate. It is in feelings and thoughts, if nothing else.
So how do we control hormones when we are thinking about sex or wanting sex or whatever? FIRST OF ALL, don't get alone wth a member of the opposite sex that you are physically attracted to. If no situation arises to BE sexaully active, then you WON'T be! That is rule #1. Since I haven't dated for 17 years, I keep forgetting this one. My temptation is more through stuff I watch or read...which makes me feel sexually aroused. And only my mate should be doing that for me...so I need to get victory over this! What to do? For me, it comes to avoiding those channels (for you it might be those websites, magazines, etc. -- you know your areas of weakness) that have those kind of shows (where people are getting into bed with someone). I quit listening to most secular music for this reason...too many wordly ideas about love and sex, and I quit reading most non-Christian material. So, #2, avoid material and content that is sexually oriented. The third way I combat it is PRAYER and other Christian practices. I start to meditate on the Lord or His Word...or to read His Word. I listen to a Christian CD or watch a Christian movie or Christian TV...or anything that upholds Christian principles. Come on here to post prayers is a GREAT way. It really comes down to loving God more than the sin. When David sinned with Bathsheba, he said (to God) "Against You, and You only, have I sinned." Forniacation, in actual deed, or just doing it through sexually stimulating stuff, is a sin against God. And are we going to love Him enough to wage an all out war against this sin???
Yes, I honestly admit, there was a time I desperately wanted someone...as do many of you. And like the married among us, I figured all should be married in order to be happy...and in God's will. But, now, after all those years of wishing and wanting (I was around the age of 32 when I started wanting this less), I have learned some important truths. One truth is that no-one should assume I am in a hurry to get married (obviously not, LOL.
). Another truth is: a single can be totally happy (though I have areas that get me down, singleness is no longer one of them). Another is: Not all married people are happy (check out the marriage restoration forum for proof of this). Most important truth: Do not try to force singles into marriage; whether and when a person marries is GOD'S doing.
Personally, I just don't want to hear, "Will you ever get married?", "Aren't you lonely?", "Don't you want someone?" "Is _________ interested in you/a possible marriage partner?" and the like. (Why does he have to be interested just because he's a guy and a friend?) I just want people to allow me to be single without bringing up all these issues. By no strecth of the imagination is it easy to be single in today's couple oriented world. Please don't make it harder by asking these type of questions. It is frustating to want to live as a successful single and get this type of response. In other words: Don't assume everyone on earth is supposed to get married or will get married. Paul was happy to remain single. Why can't well meaning Christians allow me to if I want to? (I am asking this on behalf of all singles who feel as I do.)
Why does it seem like we always get back around to the topic of being with someone (and since most of my friends are female) about being with or having a man? This topic comes up so often...as if it's what life revolves around. If I meet another single, why do we so often begin discussing why we are single and do we want to be single..****ually more brought up on their part than mine? Personally, I feel it's none of their no never mind what I want to do in this area and they should leave well enough alone. Many times family members or others ask if I've met anyone yet, as if that's the entire purpose of life. Even those in diffiult and troubled marriages still think I should be married. Face it, most marriages are difficult in some way, and I am realistic about this. I am not waiting for "Mr. Right" so marriage will be easy street. I am waiting for "Mr. Right" out of obedience to God.
And while I wait...I choose not to be miserable. Those who constantly want someone are just dwelling on this to the point of being miserable. They aren't giving God a chance to make them happy. I have grown into a deep relationship with God because of my singleness...and He has become the source of my happiness. I LOVE to get alone in God's Presence and just feel Him all around me. Other times, I just rest quietly with Him, and I may not "feel" much...but it is just reassuring to be still and know that He is God. In those moments, who needs a PERSON for their happiness? If one IS single, by choice or otherwise, it is far better to focus on God and Him making you happy, then to focus on your lack of a mate and how it makes you unhappy (in reality it does not make you unhappy, but that is a long therapy session and lecture). I simply am telling singles to CHOOSE happiness! They think I am consigning them to a future lifetime of singleness. No, I am encouraging them to let GOD make them happy. They will just go into marriage unhappy and miserable if they don't (all that time thinking marriage would magically make them happy), and then they will have an UNhappy marriage...because marriage is not what they are unhappy about.
Our source of unhappiness is a sense of unwholeness inside. So, mistakingly we look for a person to make us whole. And they can not. How can aonther person who is unwhole make us whole? The only way to become whole is in a relationship with God! Two havles DO NOT make a whole. I never intend to have "a better half" or a "soul mate." God is my soul mate, and I do not want to be a HALF a person. I want to be a whole person...or as whole as God can make me here on this earth. I want to live up to all I can be...not be less and expect someone to fill in the gaps where I am lacking. Yes, I do understand that God brings someone who has strengths where we have weaknesses, and that is the beauty of marriage. But, also, I want to develop as best I can into a stronger person in my areas of weakness...in God's strength, not my own.
I pray that this blesses some people (at least other singles who have chosen singleness -- or did it chose us?) who just want to be understood. Perhaps, I am the voice of others. Maybe some don't get frustrated like me and just know what they've chosen is between them and God and don't feel the need to explain to anyone. I just felt to explain because this forum is available...and so few I talk to "get it."
To the marred: Rather than encourage us toward marriage, PRAY for us! It's hard to be single in today's world. As the Bible says each should have their own mate so as not to have lust/fornication problems. Yet, some of us have not felt called to marry anyone we have met so far. So we are tryng to live honorably before God and among and with our fellow singles. We need prayer, above all! Do you think we just sail through, never tempted or giving in to temptation? I hear so often of "Christian" singles who think sex on dates is just fine...or do they really know it's wrong, but they can't overcome the temptation? I know so many of you (thanks to all who don't) want to rush us into marriage...but what if it truly is not God's call on our lives? Then, we need all the prayers you can pray for us to be successful singles. When you come on as though we just need to find someone and get married...it only will feed back into that whole unhapy as a single idea. And this is self defeating for us.
To the singles, I say: don't make every conversation about "Have you met anyone yet?", "Who are you interested in?", "Do you think he/she is interested in you/me?" "Where can we go to meet some available singles?" and so on. You get my drift. Find OTHER topics of conversation. Don't sit around discussing what you are looking for in mate (do discuss it with God, because you don't want to aim too low and hit the mark!). But, seriously, as singles, we need to be encouraging each other how to live the single life successfully.
Even though I have felt God has someone -- a definite someone -- for me, I have kept it low key in mentioning it. As a single, our focus should be God and how to be satisfied and happy IN HIM and how to please Him. God is the key to happiness in ALL of life and especially in marriage. I pray for that someone...not "God, bring him to me," but rather, "God, give him a good day today." I pray for him RIGHT NOW, for his happiness and success and joy in God right now, today, before he is in my life. He may spend many years single (as I can attest he has already.
), so I need to be praying for his success and satisfaction as a single. I need to pray that he is developing a deeper and deeper relationship with God and that the anointing is increasing on his life and that he is learning only GOD can make him happy...so he doesn't expect me to. I pray that he is developing the character of Christ that will cause him to love his wife as Christ loves the church...even as I pray I am becoming someone who will respect and honor (and, yes, obey) my husband as the Word says I should. It is selfish for me to pray "God bring him to me," if it is not God's timing or plan yet. I need to be praying, "God, when it's Your time." My husband may yet have stuff do as a single (as may I), so we need to just keep releasing each other back to God for as long as we are called to wait.
I have basically already sown him to God, as far as I will not hold him tightly once we are married. He is God's. If God requires him for the sake of the Gospel...even unto death...may I hold him loosely and release him freely to God. This I have already done and prayed.
So, I have pretty much tried to cover every aspect and feeling of being single, for those of us who are content in it, and I pray that this is helping a lot of you to better understand how we feel, what we go through, what we struggle with, how we wish we were treated (please not as second class citizens in the Kingdom, which is often the case!). Often, I feel misunderstand, like no-one "gets it." I feel like the voice of one crying in the wilderness. I KNOW singleness is not for all. But neither is marriage for all. Please just give us grace and don't hassle us about marriage and possible partners...and if you, too, are single don't go on and on about how can you/we possibly be happy? This is just not healthy! It is TOTALLY possible to be happy as a single...and we need to accept that, whether married or single, and just let singles be singles.
God bless all of you for reading this...and for praying for us who are single. Someone else will have to write the blog on being an unhappy single, for that is no longer who I am. I thought I was unhappy because I was single...but it was really because I had not come to rely on God enough. And all of us need more of that, no matter WHAT state we are in (married or single)!!!
One last thought: Did I explain that singleness should be celebrated? For these are the years we can press into God and develop an AWESOME relationship with Him with no distractions from a mate? We can give are ALL to Him as we won't be able to when married. The extra time I have been allowed to spend in His Presence because I didn't have to attend to a family has been a TRUE blessing! As singles, we have to see the blessings in being single and count those! And the #1 blessing is the way in which we can commune with and love God without the distractions and business of marriage/family. And, as an extention of that, when God tells us to do something...we can move out and do it without worrying how it will affect our family. Singleness is truly a blessed state if we will but see it!
I try, on here, to tell people I am happy as a single...and they can't understand how they could ever be happy as a single (inference: how can I be?). And I tell them if they can't be happy as a single, they will never be happy as a married. Marriage is NOT a source of happiness. HAPPY people make happy marriages. Unhapy people make UNhappy marriages. So, you have to learn to be happy in the single state. If I tell them this, they often think I am telling them something impossible. They think the reason they are unahppy is because they aren't married. I see many people who are married who aren't happy. So I can't figure out how they have swallowed this lie.
Getting married to find happiness is a trap of the devil, as far as I'm concerned. Once you get married and STILL aren't happy, who will you blame? Your mate? Or God for giving you this person when you have marital problems? Realize: a PERSON can not and will not make you happy. That is a total lie. Read scritpures and you will find the source of joy and happiness is the Lord! If you are expecting your mate to make you happy, you have put your mate in the place of God. Only HE can satisfy and fulfill us and make us joyful and happy!
I just don't know how to express to people (a few get it) that I truly and honestly have learned to be content...and they need not feel sorry for me that I am single. (I haven't dated for 17 years, BY CHOICE.) Some will say things about praying that God sends the right one and how we're tired of getting all the wrong guys. It's not even about that. I have prayed for the right one...but so far he hasn't manifested. But life is not about finding a mate. Look at Adam. It does not say that Adam thought it was bad for Adam to be alone. This was God's idea! Marriage is God's idea! So, I just wait on Him for His timing in this if marriage is for me. Adam was doing what God told him to...then, God brought him a mate.
I serisouly never intended to be single this long. When I was 22 I desperately wanted to get married. In my mother's day this was considered "old maid" age, and she was married at 22 as was my sister. So my Mom told me I'd better hurry and get married when I was 22.... Well, I'm 47, now, sorry Mom...
I just never did "find the right guy." Or was I too picky? I don't know. I had a litmus test: Will being with this person make me happier than I am now? If I couldn't say "Yes" I passed them by. And now, of course, I know a person can't make you happy. But they can add to or increase that happiness if you already have found it in God.There are a lot of reasons I could want to ditch singleness. I was raised beleiving a woman's place was in the home (in accordance with the scripture that says a wife should be "a keeper at home."). This was always my dream. To be home rearing children, taking care of the house, etc. while my husband worked outside the home. That would be the #1 reason. I was taught all my life that's what you did: grew up, got married, had kids, so on. I still believe these principles...unless you are called to be single, which I guess I have been up to now. So, I've worked through the years, all low paying jobs...which brings up another reason to get married. I need a better income. And maybe my husband earns more than me. I know once I get married, I will quit working outside the home (strongly held conviction that I believe is in keeping with scripture). So, I need him to make WAY MORE than I do right now. I also have much physical pain right now, and though I keep praying for freedom from it, it does persist. So, not having to work a shift every day would bring some rest to my body...though if children and household chores kept me busy, that would be tough on the body, too. You would think I might just grab at some guy as the answer to my problems...but that would be wrong.
So do I really never want to be with someone? Well, I can't honestly say that I never have wishes to be with someone. But, over all, I have freedom to do what I want (as long as it's not a sin) without answering to anyone but God. I don't have someone "breathing down my neck," so to speak, someone I always have to consult, consider and cordinate with when making plans. I don't have someone to argue with and try to get along with...except other family members, which is hard enough. Nothing against marriage, but it is HARD. We are supposed to count the cost before entering into commitments, so I am going to THINK CAREFULLY, before marrying someone. So here is where people say "But aren't you lonely?" And I say "alone but not lonely." And "alone" is actually a lie, because Jesus said He would NEVER leave us or forsake us. So, NO, I am NOT lonely (I wish I could yell it until all believed me!) and I am NOT alone!!! Is Jesus not enough for others, I ask myself. I guess not, I conclude.
Praise the Lord for each and every single (you know how you are) who has come to accept this state with grace and contentment, who has put God first above all and who refuses to get married just because it's the thing to do. I am SO GRATEFUL for all of you, and I have met some of you. Not many, but some. God bless each and every one of you greatly!!!
I have people tell me they are lonely...they just want someone...they just want to be happy...they want someone to make them feel attractive...they don't want to be alone...and, yes, they want sex. There was a time I definitely felt that way, too. For a while it was about the sex (we are human, after all.
). For a while it was just the expected thing to do. You graduated school...and shortly, you got married. Not so, in my case. So, what did I do to combat the "desperateness" I used to feel about wanting to get married? How do I no longer feel all those things I mentioned above that others say they want out of a relationship? Mostly, prayer and drawing close to God. The closer I get to God the less I want a man. It's that simple. When I'm thinking how I want someone, I begin to pray and focus on God until soon GOD is all I want.My new motto of life is that I don't want someone to need me, and I don't want to need someone. I just want someone that I WANT to be with, who I choose to enjoy the journey with. He has to be someone who increases the anointing on my life...and someone who will add to the happiness I have found in God. The only one I should NEED (in the truest sense of need) is God. I know we need others...it's not that we don't. But as to needing a mate, it's just as with Adam: that is God's choice and decision when to bring me the helper suitable for me (or I was made for man, so to bring to my husband the helper suitable for him). Or, if I fall in the category of those He wants to remain single, to accept that and obey Him and serve Him as a single.
When I mention singleness to some people (that possibly it's what God has for them), they act like it's the plague. They absolutely can not conceive of a future without a mate. In fact, I knew a gal who said she could not be happy unless she was married. She married a great guy, and they had two children. And she left him for another man!!! So, as you see, marriage DID NOT make her happy. Why do people even refuse to CONSIDER the possibility of singleness? As if if they even think about it for a second, God will consign them to singleness for the rest of their lives...and they won't be happy? If I even mention it, some get mad. They say I don't understand or don't want them to be happy or something along those lines.
In this whole singlness area, it's what does God wnat, not what do I want? I would not have chosen singlness, perhaps, but God has brought me to a place of contentment in Him. There is this other little detail in my life that keeps me single. I feel He has promised me someone (shown me visions of this man), and I have not met him yet...so still I wait. I did not expect to be waiting this long. But it has brought me to a unique position of speaking into the lives of singles and encouraging them to enjoy singleness...and remain single as long as God wants without complaining.
Hormones? We all have them! But they ARE managable. With God ALL THINGS are possible. And sexual temptations can be overcome. There is masturbation, porn, fornication...and the "lesser" sins of lusting after someone (same as fornication in the Bible, so not "lesser," in God's eyes). All of these actually are forms of fornication, aren't they? If you are lusting after someone good looking on TV or feeling sexually aroused by a sex scene or the other one, that not much talked about masturbation, you are basically fornicating...that is having sex with someone other than your mate. It is in feelings and thoughts, if nothing else.
So how do we control hormones when we are thinking about sex or wanting sex or whatever? FIRST OF ALL, don't get alone wth a member of the opposite sex that you are physically attracted to. If no situation arises to BE sexaully active, then you WON'T be! That is rule #1. Since I haven't dated for 17 years, I keep forgetting this one. My temptation is more through stuff I watch or read...which makes me feel sexually aroused. And only my mate should be doing that for me...so I need to get victory over this! What to do? For me, it comes to avoiding those channels (for you it might be those websites, magazines, etc. -- you know your areas of weakness) that have those kind of shows (where people are getting into bed with someone). I quit listening to most secular music for this reason...too many wordly ideas about love and sex, and I quit reading most non-Christian material. So, #2, avoid material and content that is sexually oriented. The third way I combat it is PRAYER and other Christian practices. I start to meditate on the Lord or His Word...or to read His Word. I listen to a Christian CD or watch a Christian movie or Christian TV...or anything that upholds Christian principles. Come on here to post prayers is a GREAT way. It really comes down to loving God more than the sin. When David sinned with Bathsheba, he said (to God) "Against You, and You only, have I sinned." Forniacation, in actual deed, or just doing it through sexually stimulating stuff, is a sin against God. And are we going to love Him enough to wage an all out war against this sin???
Yes, I honestly admit, there was a time I desperately wanted someone...as do many of you. And like the married among us, I figured all should be married in order to be happy...and in God's will. But, now, after all those years of wishing and wanting (I was around the age of 32 when I started wanting this less), I have learned some important truths. One truth is that no-one should assume I am in a hurry to get married (obviously not, LOL.
). Another truth is: a single can be totally happy (though I have areas that get me down, singleness is no longer one of them). Another is: Not all married people are happy (check out the marriage restoration forum for proof of this). Most important truth: Do not try to force singles into marriage; whether and when a person marries is GOD'S doing. Personally, I just don't want to hear, "Will you ever get married?", "Aren't you lonely?", "Don't you want someone?" "Is _________ interested in you/a possible marriage partner?" and the like. (Why does he have to be interested just because he's a guy and a friend?) I just want people to allow me to be single without bringing up all these issues. By no strecth of the imagination is it easy to be single in today's couple oriented world. Please don't make it harder by asking these type of questions. It is frustating to want to live as a successful single and get this type of response. In other words: Don't assume everyone on earth is supposed to get married or will get married. Paul was happy to remain single. Why can't well meaning Christians allow me to if I want to? (I am asking this on behalf of all singles who feel as I do.)
Why does it seem like we always get back around to the topic of being with someone (and since most of my friends are female) about being with or having a man? This topic comes up so often...as if it's what life revolves around. If I meet another single, why do we so often begin discussing why we are single and do we want to be single..****ually more brought up on their part than mine? Personally, I feel it's none of their no never mind what I want to do in this area and they should leave well enough alone. Many times family members or others ask if I've met anyone yet, as if that's the entire purpose of life. Even those in diffiult and troubled marriages still think I should be married. Face it, most marriages are difficult in some way, and I am realistic about this. I am not waiting for "Mr. Right" so marriage will be easy street. I am waiting for "Mr. Right" out of obedience to God.
And while I wait...I choose not to be miserable. Those who constantly want someone are just dwelling on this to the point of being miserable. They aren't giving God a chance to make them happy. I have grown into a deep relationship with God because of my singleness...and He has become the source of my happiness. I LOVE to get alone in God's Presence and just feel Him all around me. Other times, I just rest quietly with Him, and I may not "feel" much...but it is just reassuring to be still and know that He is God. In those moments, who needs a PERSON for their happiness? If one IS single, by choice or otherwise, it is far better to focus on God and Him making you happy, then to focus on your lack of a mate and how it makes you unhappy (in reality it does not make you unhappy, but that is a long therapy session and lecture). I simply am telling singles to CHOOSE happiness! They think I am consigning them to a future lifetime of singleness. No, I am encouraging them to let GOD make them happy. They will just go into marriage unhappy and miserable if they don't (all that time thinking marriage would magically make them happy), and then they will have an UNhappy marriage...because marriage is not what they are unhappy about.
Our source of unhappiness is a sense of unwholeness inside. So, mistakingly we look for a person to make us whole. And they can not. How can aonther person who is unwhole make us whole? The only way to become whole is in a relationship with God! Two havles DO NOT make a whole. I never intend to have "a better half" or a "soul mate." God is my soul mate, and I do not want to be a HALF a person. I want to be a whole person...or as whole as God can make me here on this earth. I want to live up to all I can be...not be less and expect someone to fill in the gaps where I am lacking. Yes, I do understand that God brings someone who has strengths where we have weaknesses, and that is the beauty of marriage. But, also, I want to develop as best I can into a stronger person in my areas of weakness...in God's strength, not my own.
I pray that this blesses some people (at least other singles who have chosen singleness -- or did it chose us?) who just want to be understood. Perhaps, I am the voice of others. Maybe some don't get frustrated like me and just know what they've chosen is between them and God and don't feel the need to explain to anyone. I just felt to explain because this forum is available...and so few I talk to "get it."
To the marred: Rather than encourage us toward marriage, PRAY for us! It's hard to be single in today's world. As the Bible says each should have their own mate so as not to have lust/fornication problems. Yet, some of us have not felt called to marry anyone we have met so far. So we are tryng to live honorably before God and among and with our fellow singles. We need prayer, above all! Do you think we just sail through, never tempted or giving in to temptation? I hear so often of "Christian" singles who think sex on dates is just fine...or do they really know it's wrong, but they can't overcome the temptation? I know so many of you (thanks to all who don't) want to rush us into marriage...but what if it truly is not God's call on our lives? Then, we need all the prayers you can pray for us to be successful singles. When you come on as though we just need to find someone and get married...it only will feed back into that whole unhapy as a single idea. And this is self defeating for us.
To the singles, I say: don't make every conversation about "Have you met anyone yet?", "Who are you interested in?", "Do you think he/she is interested in you/me?" "Where can we go to meet some available singles?" and so on. You get my drift. Find OTHER topics of conversation. Don't sit around discussing what you are looking for in mate (do discuss it with God, because you don't want to aim too low and hit the mark!). But, seriously, as singles, we need to be encouraging each other how to live the single life successfully.
Even though I have felt God has someone -- a definite someone -- for me, I have kept it low key in mentioning it. As a single, our focus should be God and how to be satisfied and happy IN HIM and how to please Him. God is the key to happiness in ALL of life and especially in marriage. I pray for that someone...not "God, bring him to me," but rather, "God, give him a good day today." I pray for him RIGHT NOW, for his happiness and success and joy in God right now, today, before he is in my life. He may spend many years single (as I can attest he has already.
), so I need to be praying for his success and satisfaction as a single. I need to pray that he is developing a deeper and deeper relationship with God and that the anointing is increasing on his life and that he is learning only GOD can make him happy...so he doesn't expect me to. I pray that he is developing the character of Christ that will cause him to love his wife as Christ loves the church...even as I pray I am becoming someone who will respect and honor (and, yes, obey) my husband as the Word says I should. It is selfish for me to pray "God bring him to me," if it is not God's timing or plan yet. I need to be praying, "God, when it's Your time." My husband may yet have stuff do as a single (as may I), so we need to just keep releasing each other back to God for as long as we are called to wait. I have basically already sown him to God, as far as I will not hold him tightly once we are married. He is God's. If God requires him for the sake of the Gospel...even unto death...may I hold him loosely and release him freely to God. This I have already done and prayed.
So, I have pretty much tried to cover every aspect and feeling of being single, for those of us who are content in it, and I pray that this is helping a lot of you to better understand how we feel, what we go through, what we struggle with, how we wish we were treated (please not as second class citizens in the Kingdom, which is often the case!). Often, I feel misunderstand, like no-one "gets it." I feel like the voice of one crying in the wilderness. I KNOW singleness is not for all. But neither is marriage for all. Please just give us grace and don't hassle us about marriage and possible partners...and if you, too, are single don't go on and on about how can you/we possibly be happy? This is just not healthy! It is TOTALLY possible to be happy as a single...and we need to accept that, whether married or single, and just let singles be singles.
God bless all of you for reading this...and for praying for us who are single. Someone else will have to write the blog on being an unhappy single, for that is no longer who I am. I thought I was unhappy because I was single...but it was really because I had not come to rely on God enough. And all of us need more of that, no matter WHAT state we are in (married or single)!!!
One last thought: Did I explain that singleness should be celebrated? For these are the years we can press into God and develop an AWESOME relationship with Him with no distractions from a mate? We can give are ALL to Him as we won't be able to when married. The extra time I have been allowed to spend in His Presence because I didn't have to attend to a family has been a TRUE blessing! As singles, we have to see the blessings in being single and count those! And the #1 blessing is the way in which we can commune with and love God without the distractions and business of marriage/family. And, as an extention of that, when God tells us to do something...we can move out and do it without worrying how it will affect our family. Singleness is truly a blessed state if we will but see it!
Total Comments 3
Comments
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This is not necessarily the views of the leadership here. But as much as possible it's what I have concluded about singleness in light of the scipture and in light of my own experience. This is not aimed at the people here as far as they are pressuring singles about marriage (It's quite the opposite here, which is one reason I love this board!)...but it is trying to be the voice of Christian singles everywhere who get tired of hearing that they ought to find someone and get married (inferance, marriage is better than singleness), speaking on behalf of singles who have accepted their singleness as the state God has them in and wants them in. We simply do not need to feel God gave us singleness for this season and have people constantly asking when we're going to get married and so on. No disrespect is meant to anyone. It's more of a "Can I try to make you understand?" blog. For some of us, we are very settled into the single lifestyle and we are comfortable with it and nothing you say really rattles us. For others, it's tough to keep hearing (by inferance) marriage is better. So, I was just trying to post to all types out there (unhappy singles and marrieds, whether happy or unhappy) what singles who have chosen singleness are thinking. And, of course, it's to encourage singles in their singleness. God's blessings on all of you, and I pray this did not come across negative or complaining at those who I preceive as not "understanding." I was trying to avoid a whining tone, while explaining truly what we go through on a daily basis. Bottom line: Paul said he learned to be content in whatever state he was in. As singles that's what we must be praying for. And as marrieds, don't remind us of our reason to be discontent (no human person to walk through life with in marriage). Hopefully, this is well received and taken in the spirit it was meant.
Sincerely,
Jerena
aka
JeriRosePosted 07-23-2009 at 06:31 AM by JeriRose12
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singleness
Dear Sis in Christ-
The Apostle Paul was lead by the Holy Spirit when stated it is better to stay single than to marry. Why? It leaves a Child of God free to follow exactly as God leads them to do, without the worry of a family to care for as well. Why?
God declares that when a person marry's, they must now put some attention towards the world, how they may please thier mate/family.
A Child of God who is marryed cannot just pick up and go, when the Lord opens the path for them to change, move, etc. They have to deal with a family as well.
God has had me single my whole life, and its been an incredible Blessing, for the service and vessel I've been capable of for God.
I've wanted to be married and watched for a mate of God for me all those years. Yet, its never materialized. By the same token, I've let it go now and no longer seek a wife, and nothing has happened. So, its clear, God wants me single still, to serve Him better.
Your doing fine and are inline with God so long as He keeps you in this position. And your thoughts are right, not to seek to "need" another, or they you. Thats putting a falable human ahead of God then.
God Bless!!Posted 07-24-2009 at 08:27 PM by Christian Commando 
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My response to those obsessed with another human
(People act this way over a human, but I may be criticized for acting this way over Jesus....)
I am madly, passionately, wildly in love with You, Jesus!
I am losing my head and my mind…and I am delirious
I am crazy, insane, bonkers, nuts…in LOVE with You, Lord!
I am jumping in, taking the plunge (they say I’m going over board)
But I HAVE to
What else can I do?
For my heart is taken with You!
I am losing it, flipping out, going crazy and over the edge
I am at the point of no return, and I have jumped off the ledge
I am falling, falling, falling…into Your arms and Your love
I am never going to regret it, for You are all I can think of!
Yes, I HAVE to!
What else can I do?
For my life is taken with You!
I am seeing Your eyes, Your smile, Your face, only You!
I am hearing Your voice, Your whisper, Your call coming through
I am feeling Your hands, Your arms, Your breath touching me
I am consumed, obsessed and abandoned to You recklessly
You I run to!
What else can I do?
For my being is taken with You!
I am head over heels, lost in Your love, totally GONE!
I am far from this world where time ceases to go on
I am saturated with You, and the world has faded away
It’s just You and me in love, and here’s where I want to stay!
I just HAVE to!
What else can I do?
For I’m completely taken by You!Posted 08-02-2009 at 12:38 AM by JeriRose12
