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feeling downcast, selfish, and angry
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Posted by: garciadl2
I don't like the way I am feeling right now. The joy of the Lord should be my strength so I am asking for prayer. I live 30 minutes away from my parents who are in the 70's but very active and I DON'T WANT TO GO SEE THEM. I do not want to make the drive, especially when two days ago my mother insulted me, called me names, and just really hurt my feelings. I was just going to try to force myself to go for my fathers sake and my 4 y.o daughters sake, but I tell myself why am I going to drive one hour round trip just to be insulted. One Christian friend said maybe I should just take a time out, and get some needed space, and antoher said they wouldn't go over if they're mother had told them what she told me. My mother hasn't called me to apologize, but then she is the type that never apologizes because everything is the other person's fault. My friends and counselor believes she has undiagnosed mental illness and she did get mental disability after working for 20 years for the government, but my mom says she FAKED them out. I don't know, all I know is that she is unaffectionate, and has told me she does not want to hear about anything personal about me, she only wants to hear about happy and good things and in 46 years has told me she loves me 5 times. Since about the time I was 5 years old she has told me that I imagined things that were truth. I asked her what did she think that would do to a child hearing that over and over again at such a young age for the next 15 years. She did stay quiet. Then she told me I was mentally sick, and told me of all the problems I caused from ages 8 to 17. She told me that I said nothing but lies to the minister when I went to ask for help when I was eleven. Even that was a bad situation because I was catholic then and the priest put his hand under my dress. I felt that I didn't have anyone to turn to but i have always felt that Jesus had his hand on me and that he continues to do so. I do not think that I am mentally sick, but do think that I continue to struggle with similar situations especially when someone becomes verbally abusive like telling me that I am stupid. I will graduating from a university in may with a BS in science and have a 3.4 GPA. Even though I know I am not stupid hearing that while growing up really messed up my confidence. Thank God for Jesus and his promise that He did not give us a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind.
Please pray for me as you are led.
Donna
Posted by: quickdraw
Oh Donna!! I SOOOOOOOOOOOO FEEL FOR YOU!! I had a very similar type of childhood, on valium from our family doctor at 11yrs, because my behaviour was out of control, BECAUSE MY GRANDFATHER SEXUALLY ABUSED ME and I was told that I was a "strange girl!", BECAUSE I WOULD NOT LIVE IN THE DENIAL THAT THE REST OF MY FAMILY DID ABOUT THINGS THAT WERE TRUE!!
It so messed me up, that as an adult, after many breakdowns I went back to my childhood doctor and asked for my file, to find out if what I remembered, (being on valium at 11) was truth!! BECAUSE, BY THEN, I DOUBTED MY MIND AND MY MEMORIES!!
I also asked my dad, after my parents were separated if what I remembered was true, and he confirmed it for me! I had indeed been called home from school to stand with my parents and the grandfather, and say exactly what he did to me, while he stood there and denied it! My father kicked him out of the house, but eventually, my mum got around him and I was made to kiss him goodbye! (At least he was NOT put in my bedroom to sleep anymore!
IT IS SO CRUEL FOR A CHILD TO SUFFER THIS TORMENT, DOUBTING OUR MINDS ARE OKAY, BECAUSE OF OTHER'S FEAR!!
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!!!! JESUS CAN AND WILL HEAL ALL YOUR PAIN, GENTLY, STEP BY STEP, as I have gone thru adult life, I have realised that my mum, whose own mum left when she was 2, and lived her life in many, many foster homes, couldn't face the pain of acknowledging that her father, the only person she had, could have done this to me!!
I believe that your mum has the same problem, you see, if she shows any feeling, emotion at all, it may all swamp her and she may have to see ALL the truth, and she fears it would overwhelm her! It's almost a left over protection device they developed as small children, to survive!!! I believe that Father God does give little children awesome ways to overcome the horrid things that they go thru, and much of it goes into the subconscious, and stays there, to wreak havoc, UNTIL JESUS COMES TO HEAL IT ALL!!
Oh Father GOd, I pray that You will ENABLE DONNA to hear Your still, small voice saying "this is the way, walk in it!" LORD, COMFORT HER and guide her to do Your will this day! I don't know if it's to go or not, BUT YOU KNOW!! YOU HAVE A PERFECT PLAN FOR GOOD FOR DONNA!! AND LORD, I ASK THAT YOU WOULD LEAD HER TO WALK IN IT TODAY AND EVERY DAY, THAT YOU MAY HEAL THIS PAIN IN HER HEART!! AFTER ALL, LORD, YOU RESIDE THERE NOW, AND YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOO CAPABLE OF DOING THIS FOR HER!! I THANK YOU FATHER FOR JESUS AND THE COMFORTER WHOM YOU HAVE SENT FOR US!!
FOrever His,
Sharon