Without the test, there is no testimony!

Hi Friend ~ the joy of the Lord to you!

I began receiving Jerry's newsletter in my email not long ago even tho I am not quite exactly sure how that came to be  ... yet I am certain it is probably a God thing  :  )   I was saved nearly 25 years ago at the age of 18 and delivered from a life of drug and alcohol abuse and sexual immorality... Thank you, Jesus !  Even tho I have been involved in ministry within the church for most of these many years, I really did not have the kind of relationship with the Lord that I should have had.  I accepted and believed in Jesus, of that there is no doubt, but my desire to really let God have control of my life and have that close, personal relationship with Him was minimal at best.  So for a very long time, keeping Him at arm's length was fine with me.   However, that did change somewhat about 8 years ago and I really began to have that deep, down desire to draw closer to Him and experience more of Him in my life.  He was more than willing to allow me to do just that ... as He always is... and I did see tremendous growth in many ways.  For the first time in my life, I actually felt very safe and secure in my beliefs and as though I was o­n a solid foundation in my relationship with God. 

When I first came o­nline, about 3 1/2 years ago, I was quite shocked to find so many varying opinions as to exactly what people who professed to be "Christian" really believed even though I was somewhat familiar with many different Christian beliefs in general.  It seemed as if there were as many views o­n beliefs within our own Christian faith as there were people who called themselves believers and each seemed to have their own set of ideas o­n the many different things they regarded as Truth within God's Word.  It really began to make me examine my own beliefs that I had accepted without reservation for so many years because most of what I believed was simply what I had been taught within my church without any real deep consideration o­n my part.  I guess perhaps satan saw this as an opportunity to attack because attack he did and what happened next shook me to the very core of my being.  

During this time of spiritual unrest, I met and became friends with someone who I felt led to be a witness to. She was not Christian...not even in the loosest sense of the word, but was instead Wiccan... a lady who practiced witchcraft and whose spiritual beliefs centered around her goddess and god as much as mine centered around Christ.  I cannot say that I did not know this from the beginning.. I did.. from the very first time that we spoke she openly shared that she was a witch.  However, I felt strong and secure enough in my faith that I believed there was no possible way that anything she believed could ever become a stumbling stone to me.  Afterall, even the most immature Christian knows that witchcraft is evil and purely not of God, right?  So do I and I did pray for God's guidance in it all but perhaps not as much as I should.  Looking back, I think that in truth I felt above a fall.. especially in something of this nature.. and the verse... "Pride goeth before distruction and an haughty spirit before a fall" ... does come to mind. 

At first, there were many opportunities to share the Word of God with her, and I did so whenever the situation would allow.  But during this time, I was also exposed to her beliefs and her perception of the "truth"... for every thing of God there is a counterfeit.. believe it.   Even though I could not see it then, little by little I was becoming more and more blinded.  Because I was also going thru a very difficult stage of my marriage at this time with a husband who was often very  verbally and emotionally abusive, I was very vulnerable and reaching out for any kindness that came my way.  So it's really not surprising that a  very deep emotional bond was formed with this person who did seem so kind and loving.  However,  this o­nly served to complicate things even more. 

Because I began to value her friendship and acceptance more than truth, I began to compromise the Word of God and would not speak it to her as I o­nce had...  for fear of offending her as she did many times get more than a little upset with me when I would bring up something of my beliefs.  She would attack Christians in general and would use many forms of manipulation thoughout our friendship.. yet I still continued o­n.  My relationship with this wiccan involved alot of talk concerning her goddess and the more spiritual aspects of her beliefs.. but there was also this deep, personal connection to her also that seemed to transcend between normal friendship... we both agreed many times that it was something of the soul that bound us together.

I became fascinated with the things of the occult even though I would never have admitted this at that time... it was always in my mind that I was looking deeper so that I would know how to reach her better.  Just more lies of satan to deceive.. and that was wrong anyway... I was trying to do things in my own strength.. not God's.  The many scriptures that I would come across concerning the evils of witchcraft and how much they were an abomination to the Lord, would o­nly be construed by me as something shown me to help her in some way. I never saw it as having anything to do with me.. I was Christian afterall.. not a witch. However, this too was just o­ne of satan's many deceptions to keep me in darkness..  The Holy Spirit was trying over and over to warn me.. but I failed to take heed.   

I continued o­n in this friendship and quest for more knowledge of these beliefs and when I could not get all the answers from her that I was wanting, I then sought other means... other witches, Wiccan websites, Wiccan chatroom conversations, etc.  It was then that I met and became friends with another Wiccan who just happened to be the High Priest of a coven.  Although unusual for most to be so open, he willingly shared things with me that my other friend would not and I began to question and try to twist my own Christian beliefs and God's Word even more to make them somehow fit into their perverted form of so called truth. 

Soon I was accepting so many of the lies of satan and continued even deeper into this pit of darkness.  I began opening my mind to my friend's efforts to channeling.  I lit candles to her goddess and participated in spells.  My friend gave me a tape of music she had composed and performed that was totally about her goddess and things dealing with her beliefs and I would play this night after night as I slept... it was as if it was just absorbed into my being.  I willingly agreed for her to become "my witch" when she offered because I could not totally commit to their beliefs.  She would later "hold me before her goddess" and plant an apple tree in my behalf... things that held great significance to her and her beliefs.  Although I could not force myself to accept the concept of worshipping her god/goddess, I was questioning so many of the things of God... His sovereignty, His Word, His Truth.  I didn't have a clue what I believed anymore as everything seemed so confusing and so clouded with doubt. 

I had become ill at o­ne point during all of this.. not long after participating in a spell... and was confined to my bed for a couple weeks.  It was there... as I was lying flat o­n my back unable to get up but just for a very few minutes at a time... that the Lord revealed to me just how far I had strayed.  I had been so torn about this "goddess" of my friend and she had tried to guide me so many times into "seeing her" but something always held me back...Praise God for His hedge of protection.  And as odd as it seems, even in this present state of darkness and confusion, I still sought the Lord's direction.  I was no longer hearing from God though and most of what I ended up with was o­nly more confusion because satan was lying so much that I couldn't distinguish between God's voice and the lies of satan anymore.  Still though, this day I o­nce again cried out to the Lord.. but what I asked still astonishes me even today... I asked if seeing the face of this "goddess" would be okay to do.  Now just how blind does that really show that I was?  Almost totally.. that is how much... because I would have actually been seeking the face of satan... for there is no God but Jehovah.  The Lord spoke to my spirit at that very moment warning me that if I did this, I would not come back to Him.  My eyes suddenly became aware of how far I had fallen and I did seek the Lord's forgiveness right then and there.  This would be the beginning of my truly coming to understand the depth of God's mercy and grace and the great love that He had for me. 

I wish that I could say that breaking away from everything I had become involved in was as easy as that, but for me it was not.  I knew in my heart that I could o­nly ever accept the Lord Jehovah as my God and His Son, Jesus, as my savior.. and I did.. with all my being.. and I truly was sorry and wanted to make things right... but yet I still struggled with so many things too.  I had opened the doors to so many lies and there still seemed to be so many ties to all I had gotten myself into.  I loved the Lord with all my heart and I wanted so much to do what was right, but there were still parts of me that I would not surrender enough God to allow Him to do the work in me that needed to be done.  Over the course of the next several months, the struggle between my beliefs and theirs would continue and actually grow more intense.  It seemed as if the more I tried to pull away, the deeper I was pulled back into it all when I failed.  I reached out to anything that pertained to God in the least and tried so hard to surround myself with something that would keep me connected to Him....Christian friends, books, music, emails, Christian sites... anything.  I felt so desperate for God and no doubt this was because I knew deep down how far I was slipping further away.  The amount of confusion and deception that continued was enormous but I kept reaching out to God even though I would fail time and time again.  So many of my Christian friends were upholding me in prayer and trying help me see how lost I had become. 

A little over a year after this had all begun, and after many attempts to set things right, o­ne night II finally came face to face with the real truth of the decision that I had to make.  It came directly from the throne room of God through a friend as she so lovingly but plainly stated the truth of the matter... I was rejecting Jesus and there was really o­nly o­ne decision to make.  It was to... "choose this day whom you will serve" for "no man can serve two masters".. it was either choose Jesus or choose satan.. choose death or choose life.  I knew without doubt what my choice had to be.  My decision that night would truly be the beginning of the end.  I had come so close to totally turning my back o­n the Lord and walking away from everything I had always believed, but that night I searched my heart and finally gave every part of it to Jesus.

 I then went to my husband and let him know what had happened and what I had become involved in because I knew I would need his prayers and support to help me see this through to completion. You know..this is when I truly started to understand the awesomeness of God.  Because it was at this time that I also witnessed ... for the first time ... the true repentance of my husband for all the hurt and pain he had caused me and my two sons over so many years.  After 20 years of praying that God would truly get a hold of my husband's life, He did... Glory be to God!!  There was a brokeness in him that o­nly comes from meeting the Master face to face and I praise God for the work He has done in him.  \o/  

 We then set about ridding our home of anything and everything that I had used in the witchcraft and looked for anything that satan might use to try to pull me back into the darkness.  My being had become so saturated with the lies of satan that it seemed as if there were constant reminders of these false beliefs at every turn.  I had failed so many times before, I was determined that would not be the case this time.. so we did all we knew to do and then turned to God to help see us through the rest.  It turned out that this would be a very long process, however. 

During the course of that last year.. all this time I was delving more and more into the witchcraft, I had also begun having severe dizziness, ear pain, nausea and tremendous headaches.  They were so intense that I could barely function many days as they were present continuously... 24/7... around the clock... with episodes at times where they did intensify so much that I would be completely overcome with tears and pain and all I could do was rock back and forth until it passed.  I had gone from doctor to doctor for months and had many tests but no definite cause could be found.  After I had recommitted my life back to the Lord and I was trying so hard to remain faithful and stay away from all that I had become involved in, the next several weeks would be the hardest I had ever encountered.  It was almost as if there was a battle going o­n for my mind.  I couldn't sleep but just a couple hours a day and when I did manage to fall asleep for even just an hour or so, it would not be restful.  I would have o­ne terrifying dream after another and wake up so scared and crying or else be awakened in terrible pain from o­ne of the headaches.  There was just such a evil presence that seemed to hover over me while in my bed, I couldn't see anything but I could certainly feel it and it terrified me.  There would be other times when I would wake up feeling as if I were being smothered and gasping for breath. 

As God would have His perfect timing, my husband was off work for the Christmas holidays during this time and the next two weeks he stayed by me every minute of the day. At the time, I didn't see God's hand in it and to be honest, I detested it really.   I felt as if my husband didn't trust me.. and he actually had every right not to.  I know now, however, that God knows far more than I do and my husband watching guard over me constantly was all of His doing and very much needed.  We spent more time praying and crying out to God those first few weeks than we ever thought about sleeping as it was just impossible to do anything but that. 

We annointed ourselves, our children, and our home ... consecrating everything to God in a desperate attempt to bring an end to all that was happening.  Slowly, and I do mean very slowly, things would eventually begin to calm down and each day I was o­ne step closer to being totally free from the grip that satan held o­n me.  A renewing of my mind was taking place but it was not a fast process and there would still be many temptations, many failures, and an overwhelming amount of guilt and shame to overcome concerning all I had done and the disgrace that I felt I had brought upon our Lord's name. 

It has been two and a half years since that night when I truly began my journey back home.  There are fewer temptations and fewer failures but it is still a day by day thing and I will continue o­n in my walk with Jesus and rely o­n the power of the Holy Spirit within me to keep me o­n the straight and narrow.  If I fall, I will get back up o­nce again and continue o­n knowing that God is faithful and just even when I am not.   Even the headaches... which the doctors still cannot diagnose the cause of for sure and have had little success in treating ...grow fewer and less intense than they were and I do believe God will even bring my health to complete restoration in His time, in His way.  "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death."  There is a healing that takes place beyond the physical, however, and that is of much more importance so I will always praise Him no matter what ! 

I also now understand God's mercy and grace as I never could have before.  I know the great lengths that He will go to in order to pull us out of satan's grip and the deep, abiding love that He has... and will always have... for each o­ne of us.  There is no sin that the blood of Jesus cannot cleanse us from.  There is no depth that God's merciful hand cannot reach down into so that we can take hold of it and be set free from the grasp that satan has o­n us as he sets out to steal, kill and destroy all that God loves. 

I pray blessings upon your life this day and hope that you will always remember God's great love for you.. no matter what.  Quoting o­ne of my favorite authors, Max Lucado, I will share this with you,  "God loves you just the way you are.. but He refuses to leave you that way.  He wants you to be just like Jesus."  God loves the sinner.. but hates the sin.  We have all sinned yet we have hope.. and that hope is in Jesus.  As he said to the accuser's of the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."  Jesus is the o­nly o­ne who could have cast that stone, but He didn't.  Instead, He chose to reach out to her with love and forgive her of her failures.  He'll do the same for each of us when we come to Him  because that is the desire of Our Father's heart... for all to come to repentance and let His will be done in our lives.  We are merely clay in the potter's hands as He works out the imperfections of our hearts. 

God bless you!  May you find hope and everlasting peace in Jesus.  Pray for me as I pray for you also  : )

Love in Christ, 
Sherry 
"not I, but Christ" 
Galatians 2:20

"I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness,
but shall have the light of life."  John 8:12