I am sick to my stomach, and my head hurts intensely.
My life has been wrecked with phobias, OCD, anxiety, and severe depression.
I am alone, but I feel like I want to be left alone- and yet, I am so desperate for a friend. It makes no sense.
The devil is having his field day with my heart. Why? Why all this sorrow inflicted upon my short life? I am 29 years old, and sometimes, I want to be dead.
I don't have the money I want to have- but I am unemployed. I dropped out of college, and my Mom lost lots of money because I dropped out. Now she is mad at me, and I am mad at myself for being a failure. I wanted to go back in Summer, but I don't have the extra money for it. Mom doesn't have the money now either.
I have lost all passion for living. I used to be so happy. I used to feel passionate about learning and college. But now, its dead.
I have changed for the worse. I no longer feel like working, because I had a car stolen a few years ago, and now, I worry that if I work hard again and earn money, I fear that my car will again be taken from me and desecrated.
There is no where for me to run. There is no one to comfort me. The world has turned its back on me. I have one friend left. She wants to get married, but now I don't, and I am scared to tell her because she will be hurt badly.
I don't ever want to work again- yet I am bored to the point of suicide. I am so sick of being sick. I am so exhausted and worn out. My enemies are laughing at me! Where is the feast God has promised me?
Has my life peaked already? What a sad, sad life. What a grotesque, disgusting disappointment life is.
When you're truly in depression, you cannot see the light anymore. I can no longer see the stars. I am in the blackness. I see no change coming. I see only more stomach churning misery in my shrouded, dead, hopeless future.
One good thing has come from this desperate time. I do not fear death- in fact, I wish for it. If I go to the bank tomorrow, and some men rob the bank, I will not fear them at all. If they shoot me, then that's ok with me. I want to die.
Where has the little boy gone...the one that had hope inside my heart? Where have my dreams gone? Why is my world gone away forever? Why is life a grave? Why should I continue this game of life, when I know that only sorrows will shelter me from the wind?
I feel like screaming- but nobody hears.
I feel like crying- but no one is here.
I feel like I am rotting- am I even alive now?
Please pray for me!
Posted by: koko
Hey, I just want to ask you wheter u have seen The Passion of Christ?
Once you see how Jesus suffered, your sufferings will seem small to comparison. I know it happened to me.
God bless you young man.
Posted by: DespondentSoul
Dear Koko,
Yes I saw THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST- in fact, I saw it the first weekend it came out. I saw how horribly Jesus suffered, and I cried many times during the movie. Yes, Jesus suffered a thousand times worse than I ever will. But, tragically, that fact no longer gives me any consolations. Do you understand? Do you know what its like to be so horribly depressed that your heart literally aches? Do you know what its like to feel your own stomach writhe and contort in pain from your own misery?
Yes maam. I am a born again Christian, and when I die, I am going to heaven.
Yes, THE PASSION really awakened me. I was shocked- and nothing ever shocks me. I was shocked and horrified and indignated at the way those people treated Jesus. I was absolutely devastated. Since I saw the movie, I will never be the same.
But you must must must understand something. These things are true, but they do not make my pain any less real. Do you understand?
Posted by: sandry
Quote:
Originally Posted by koko
Hey, I just want to ask you wheter u have seen The Passion of Christ?
Once you see how Jesus suffered, your sufferings will seem small to comparison. I know it happened to me.
God bless you young man.
there is someone who hears and cares. god sees your pain,he feels your pain.i know sometimes it doesnt feel like it. but who do you think sent you to this prayer board full of wonderful prayer warriors. thats right, god did. these people care about you. and through christ will lift you up.i know they did me. dont give up,they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength.i am praying.
Posted by: koko
I do understand, oh how I understand, and have wished to die every single waking moment of my life for 10 years.
It is too painful for me to reveal why here. I just want you to know that you are going to be fine, I will pray for you.