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Okay, How Do I Word This? Calling all MEN, please come and give your input!! Thanks!

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Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Hi Guys,

We need your help!

The Lord has been showing me some things about the whole man/woman thing (not meaning just physical intimacy, but yes, that too). He is showing me that men crave honor and respect from their wives. He is showing me that men need a cheerleader (and I don't mean the kind lining the side of football games -- but the actual cheering on part!), not criticism. He is showing me the beauty of masculinity, and femininity, and that our culture has REALLY messed this up.

The problem is, that while he is showing me I need to grow in these areas, I don't really understand it all quite yet and I was wondering if you could enlighten me? I think many might benefit from this thread too.

Could you please tackle some of these questions?

What do men want from their wives?

What kinds of interactions make you feel like you're on top of the world and are inspired to be all God wants you to be, and what make you feel like you're on the bottom and that she isn't on your side?

And speaking of that, what kinds of things would make you feel like your wife was on your side?

How can a wife show her husband honor and respect in terms of daily life? How might you imagine that being shown when a couple is struggling but in the same home still? Already separated? With divorce pending?

When you have a bad day and you are talking to your wife about it, what makes you feel better in that conversation and what would not? I tend to comfort in a way that more women seem to like, but I wonder if I'm making my husband feel belittled or something by doing that?)

Talk to me about femininity, please. What it means to you.

I should also add that my husband is a guy who likes to talk and also have deep conversations, is very philosophical, makes friends easily with women, everyone loves him, he is the nicest guy in the world, very easygoing, smart, talented, and masculine. However, he is not into sports at all, isn't gruff, but is very down to earth and unpretentious.


Wow, I just realized this might be kind of painful for some as they are currently longing for their wives. I hope it is not, and please just ignore me if this hurts too much.

Thank you SO much in advance.

I'm sitting in my desk, got my writing tablet and pencil out, my mind is alert and I've got a double grande caramel latte in my hand . . .


Posted by: Donna C

Hi Erica

Hope the coffee is still warm! I will telephone one of my male friends for you tomorrow, in the interests of reasurch and posts their thoughts.

God bless.

Donna


Posted by: smb1976

I am a woman, but my husband and I went through some things. I agree with some of your points, i.e. men need a cheerleader. I think men need to be supported and encouraged. Most men have a mother that will nag them.

I believe that men are the head and we need to support them and help them go in a positive direction. We also need to trust our husbands to lead us.

Being married sometimes we have to step back and let a situation start to play out, which is hard for most women especially today when we are supposed to be dominant, agressive and able to handle it all by ourselves. It takes a woman to be submissive as well as a man to be living God's will to make a marriage work.


Posted by: thornygrace

Quote:
I should also add that my husband is a guy who likes to talk and also have deep conversations, is very philosophical, makes friends easily with women, everyone loves him, he is the nicest guy in the world, very easygoing, smart, talented, and masculine. However, he is not into sports at all, isn't gruff, but is very down to earth and unpretentious.


I have not seen a better discription of my husband anywhere.

I know that doesn't answer your question but I am sitting here touched so much to read this and missing my husband so much more.

My husband and I took a class at church called the "Five Love Languages" (for marriage). I know there are other versions of this book as well. We learned what each of us needed to feel especially loved by the other person. My husband needs "Quality Time" which for him equals: Deep conversations and he needs them every day. He also needs physical contact that isn't just sexual. He needs kisses and hugs and holding hands and just touching his arm or something when talking or walking by him.

He felt that it sounded really fake when I would compliment him in any way. (But "words of appreciation" is my primary Love language. If he is critical of me and doesn't balance that with some compliments, I feel less loved and well, less appreciated.) He was working at giving me more "words of appreciation" and I was remembering his need for "quality time" even when I had been having deep conversations all day long and couldn't share any of them for privacy reasons and basically wanted "down time". When I went out of my way to say: "Hey, sit on the sofa and lets talk about how our days went." Or if I brought up a topic of conversation and initiated a "deep conversation" with him his face would just light up. (As did asking if we could go on a long drive because drives were more conversation time.)

(Personally, I would be more quiet around the house during the week when I used to work a lot and would be tired. I would have rather vegged out with a book or the TV or crafts and had "alone" time. He knew this and it meant a lot that I didn't do this but showed my love for him over my own preferences.)

From my years of experience doing individual counseling primarily with men, I have learned that men feel very demasculinized when their wives would nag them to do things or pressure them to do things. Often they said they knew their spouses were right but they hated being nagged like that. They wished their spouses would trust them to do the right thing without being told what that was and especially without being told how to do it.

I have heard so many men tell me that they get very angry and resentful when their wives would set a standard for cleaning in the house and it would have to be her way.

These are just some thoughts from another woman.

I would really be interested in what the men here say when they respond.


Posted by: alexx

Pfr...i Keep Waiting To See A Mans Point Of View Here..i'd Really Like To Know Some Of The The Same Things That You Are Asking...i Want To Be A Better Wife And Friend To My Husband Also


Posted by: alynelleu

Loved the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and am now reading the one for children. I believe that reading it helped in every relationship I have. You can even begin to tell with your friends what type of language they speak.

I had read it and started putting it into effect when my husband got activated due to the war. Prior to that our marriage was getting to the "way too comfortable" stage. Once I started speaking his love language, that all changed. Our marriage was "on a whole new level" and I believe has and will help us both through the time he is gone. I believe it also helps me, now that I know why I respond to certain things, temptations are put into perspective, especially during the lonely times.

Have a great day and God bless~Annette


Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Okay ladies, shall we start PM'ing our male marriage restoration fellows with the link to this thread asking for their input????

Thanks for all of the support from the ladies though!

Senta -- we are so blessed to have such sensitive and masculine fellows. What a joy -- can't wait to have them back and to show them our love and appreciation!!!!


Posted by: spacecowby76

Ok here's a male point of view...at least mine.
We don't really need cheerleaders as much as.........mmmmm.......reassurance.See,we as men are brought up to be the "bread winners" so to speak & it's nice to hear from your wife that she is happy with her marital life.We see ourselves as losers when we feel like we aren't providing for our family.The last thing we want to do is let our wife or children down.

Understanding is another big issue.From the time a man is 6 years old he is taught by other male figures (re: coaches,friends,etc.) to be tough,suck it up,be a man,don't cry & things like that.Then we're told to get mad,crush the ball,knock his head off,get fired up & so on.We are only supposed to show anger....it's the only accepted emotion an man can show in public.If you cry,you're a wuss.Now,I don't buy into that because I'm more of a caring kinda guy but I used to have a real quick temper.In facy,my attitude is what has mostly caused my separation right now.

Don't let your husbands fool you......we like compliments.We like to know that after all these years you still find us attractive.We may not know how to react to it,but it makes us feel loved & wanted.It helps keep the drive going to go to work because all we do,we do for our family.

Ok,not to get into a big sex discussion but remember that men are visual creatures.We love it when we come home from work & you may have something "nice" on.We like to be spontaneous & not so predictable.We hate the "it's Friday night,10:00 time to go to bed"....you get my drift.
I'm a big romantic person so remember,I don't speak for all men.

I hope this helped some.Any more questions just ask.

Rob


Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Hey Rob, thank you SO much for responding! We need male insight here!

Everything you wrote confirms what I've been reading in Dr. Laura Schlessinger's new book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. (Boy did I gobble that book up quickly! LOL!) She talks about men needing the three "A's" (I think it was affirmation, acceptance, and approval). Upthread I mentioned a pastor who told me that men crave respect and honor from their wives. I cannot BELIEVE what an i*d*i*o*t* I was in this regard!!!!!! *slaps head* I was soooooo stingy in giving love via respect and honor to my poor husband. *sigh*

Anyway, she says that men are raised by women, and seek their mother's affirmation, acceptance, and approval. (And they may never get it.) Then they move on to their wives seeking those same things. She, and many of her male listeners who wrote in letters and emails, say that men will basically do anything for their wives when the three A's are covered.

I've been able to look back over my marriage and am soooooo surprised to see this concept at work. My husband tried so hard to please me, to be loving towards me, but as I withheld love and respect from him, he eventually grew tired of trying to do things he thought I would like. I don't blame him! He felt like he wasn't getting the basic of what a man needs in terms of respect and honor (and the three A's) from me. His emotional bank was not getting filled up and he pooped out.

Every time I see him now I am thinking, "Show the three A's, show the three A's.", LOL. I hope it is working to be a soothing and healing balm on a dry desert.

Lord, please heal my husband's heart and help him to see how you've turned me around. Thank you for his longsuffering and how hard he tried to please me. May I be the wife you always wanted me to be to him, In Jesus' Name, Amen


Any more input from the guys? (Ladies too, if you want to discuss any of this stuff too!.)


Posted by: czynka

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexx
Pfr...i Keep Waiting To See A Mans Point Of View Here..i'd Really Like To Know Some Of The The Same Things That You Are Asking...i Want To Be A Better Wife And Friend To My Husband Also



Yes me too !!!!
This sounds a little like the women know best whats right for a man thing...oops have i said too much????


Posted by: Glory2God

Greetings to all:

Although I can appreciate the general consensus that men need the three A's and need a lot of ego coaxing, the bible does not give men the authority of cut them slack to be disrespectful or negligent to their wives or families if they don't get their personal agendas met. It's great that women want to be good wives (keep it up) but let's not forget there are those women out here who might be married to men who don't know how to be men due to various issues (i.e. lack of a good role model, generational curses/bondage, or just plain old lack of integrity). I don't think any of you sisters who posted have husbands that fit into that category, but for the benefit of women such as myself who married men who were not capable of doing anything but taking from others, and for the benefit of those women out there who have husbands that don't wish to be responsible....no amount of coaxing the ego is going to work. If a man is lazy and waiting for someone to take care of him financially and emotionally, he needs to get saved and come into the knowledge of Christ Jesus. There are too many men out there who shirk responsibility, abscond their family duties, and then want to whine about how their feelings are hurt because some woman was not his savior. God made the wife to be the helpmeet.....not the co-breadwinner and sole domestic adjudicator.

I don't want this to sound harsh, but I think we need to focus some aggressive prayer on the Ahab attitude and the Adam attitude of blaming the women for their woes. When Eve "tempted" Adam into eating the forbidden fruit, God did not come looking for Eve.....He went looking for Adam ---- THE MAN. God gave man Dominion over the earth and his woman. There are too many men out there who feel they have some entitled right to abuse women and to reject their roles as heads of the household. We can stroke their egos all day and night, but if a man does not get a true revelation as to who he has been called to be in Christ, he will never get it. Let's pray that our husbands' eyes will be enlightened to Godly wisdom and understanding. Deadbeats don't need their egos stroked, they need a holy ghost kick in the pants.

God bless.


Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Hey Carrie-Ann, Rob is our only male poster on this thread thus far. Still hoping some other guys will come in here with some thoughts.

Glory2God, interesting points, but a subject for a different thread maybe? I have personally seen that when a man who is seemingly shirking responsibilities is encouraged and appreciated, he does step up to the job. I can't say this always happens, but I can say it happens sometimes. I'd like to keep the subject of this thread what was first introduced though, because in general, the women here are dealing with more general marital problems and I'm trying to understand, from men's perspectives, what they need and want from their wives in marriage.


Posted by: Glory2God

Perhaps it is a subject for a different thread indeed. I guess I mistakenly spoke my mind in the wrong thread . My apologies for not keeping with the theme of this thread.

As far as a man's perspective..... I think God's perspective (His Word) is quite sufficient. Ephesians 5:25-33 pretty much sums it up. Again, God commands much from MEN.

God bless you all.


Posted by: alexx

Carrie-ann....rob Was The Only Man Thus Far To Fill Us In On The Secrets Of A Mans Way Of Thinking.....maybe Its Scary To Put Thereselves Out There...

Glory2god....wouldnt It Be Great If A Man Started A Thread Concerning The Subjects You Spoke Of....or One The Opposite Of This Thread....asking Us Women What We Need From A Relationship....i Know We Would All Write 10 Pages Under That Post..lol....love You Sis's


Posted by: czynka

YEAH !!! Where are all the men on here !!!

Hey !!! It's to YOUR ADVANTAGE GUYS !!!!!


Posted by: czynka

Well, girls, this can only mean one thing...they are all..... CHICKEN !!!




Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Yes, God does expect much from men, and from women as well. And as far as God expecting much from men, all the more reason for their wives to behave in loving and supportive ways. (I know I appreciate someone doing something kind and loving towards me when I'm under a lot of pressure or working very hard.) Unconditional love, love that does not seek its own, that does not take account of wrongdoing, does not push. Also, I see absolutely nothing wrong with asking our men what they need and want from their wives. I'm sure we would see nothing wrong with a guy starting a conversation that honestly and lovingly asked women to tell him what helps us to feel loved, what we need from them, etc.

I am very unhappy with how this thread has gone and almost wish I'd not started it. I think if a man had started this thread asking women what they want, and then a lot of men responded instead eventually having a stern rebuke about women needing anything and how, I don't know, slothful or whatever we are, and then teasing women as well . . . well, many would be very upset over that.


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Ok am not married but can see from other marriages in what needs to be done.

1. Encouragement (lifting up when down, when negatives are there bring the postive in to counter attack the negative)
2. Let the Joy of the Lord be beaming from you without trying to make it happen
3. Spiritual warfare partner fighting with you all the way throught the battle and vise versa
4. Have the heart of God
5. Have spiritual ears wide open to hear what the Lord is saying to you 24/7
6. Worship God instead of worrying about bills etc..
7. NO MATTER WHAT GOES ON IN A FIGHT ALWAYS MAKE UP BEFORE YOU GO TO BED IN FORGIVENESS!!!
8. The most imporatant thing of all must see all things through the eyes of Jesus and have his character in the things that will go on in marriage..
9. Spend 1 hour a day in a personal time of prayer
10. Stay always grounded in the word NO MATTER WHAT not when something goes bad..
11. And last but not least yield to PEACE not (PMS) the pms thing is just a joke so forgive me


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Link for woman to say what they would like from there husbands


Posted by: czynka

AW you are truly a blessing. Thankyou for sharing. God bless you !!


Posted by: alexx

Aw....thank You For Your Answer...and It Is Really A Good Answer....gives Me Alot To Think About.....one Day When God Blesses You With A Mate....she Will Be Getting A Complete...very Level Headed...very Godly Man...which Is All Most Women Really Want....thanks For Your Reply


Posted by: alexx

Also..i Just Wanted To Add This....sometimes When You Type Something Down It Loses Its Flavor....anything That I May Have Said Reguarding Men In This Thread...i Say Very Lite Hearted And Jokingly....i Would Never Want To Cause A Sense Of Intimidation Or Resentment Or Anger....thats Just Not Me....so Please Forgive Me If I Have Allowed My Posts To Be Taken That Way...i Love All You Guys...and I Do Hope That This Thread Gives All Us Ladies Some Insight And Im Glad You Started It Pfr!


Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Thank you, AW, for jumping in here and posting that. Those are some really great answers that I think will really be helpful to me, as my husband is having an intense experience with God at the moment and sometimes I'm afraid that my walk with the Lord will seem too tame for him or something. The things you posted are so right on and if I just do that and keep my eyes on the Lord, and remember not to worry about this, then I think it will all turn out just fine. (And we'll forgive ya for the PMS comment, although I now know it really can be a factor in regards to strife . . . alas.)

Alexx, it wasn't any one person, just the whole way the thread was going that was distressing me. I was feeling worried that the fellas would stay away because of how things were turning as the thread went along. Thanks for saying you are glad I started the thread. And yes, you are right, we are still talking on the Internet here and nuances of meaning are often so hard to get, and it is easy to read things the wrong way. I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings with my previous post. ((((((HUGS)))))))


Posted by: Donna C

OK, I have just phoned my friend Andy to ask what he would like from a wife. To give you a little background on Andy, he is currently going through a divorce from Sue. He was married to Sue for 14 years and Sue more or less ignored him for this time and just treated him as a walking cash machine. Sue threw Andy out of their house when she met another man. No which way, would Andy ever consider marriage restoration with Sue.

What would make you feel on top of the world?

To receive praise, cuddles and general affection. To be introduced to her friends as ‘this is my Husband and I love him’. For a wife to radiate the love that she feels for her Husband and for her to feel proud that she is married to this man.

What make you feel rotten in the marriage?

Rejection, in any form.

If you are having a bad day and were telling your wife, what would make you feel better?

Support, understanding and her doing anything that she could to make you feel better.

On the bad day, what would make you feel miserable?

Ridicule and making light of the situation.

What does Femininity mean to you?

A woman who takes pride in her appearance and is proud of her body. A woman who allows a man to be a gentleman by doing simple things such as opening the door for her. He also said that for him a feminine tract is not wanting to spoil anything that is new. He gave an example of a woman having a new car. She would want to look at it, rather than drive it and get it dirty.

Hope this helps.

Donna