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Dear Lord, Please help me! I can't take much more!

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Posted by: thornygrace

Dear Friends,

My husband has again read emails from me and not responded. But now I have discovered that he is back living with his family instead of returning home.

(Let me give you a readers digest version of this situation: My husband and I married on 9-21-02. He had trouble finding work as an immigrant here to the US. He was frustrated with that but other than the work situation, I thought we were very happy. The minor issues that came up were the typical ones for marriage and especially one where money was tight. Like he ate food I had planned for us to have for a dinner. Small stuff like that.

His mother became ill and needed an operation in which she might not survive so we found the money for him to go back to Southern Europe and visit her. He left on Nov 17 and was due back on December 12. All while he was gone he wrote me emails a couple times a week and said hel oved me and was home sick, etc. Then on Dec. 10th he wrote that there was a problem with his airline tickets from London to Detroit and he needed them replaced. So, I replaced them with the rent money +.

Then on December 11th he wrote that he wasn't coming home for at least 3 more months and that I should have epected this as we have a bad marriage. Within days he was saying that my asking him to work a job he didn't like just for insurance was the reason. (I was sick and later was nearly hospitalized for his illness but there has been a hint that I might have a tumor, so I wanted health insurance and I have my own business and can't afford to buy in to an insurance.)

After this his emails were nicer and he spoke of coming home in Mid Feb. Then he got put in to jail there for not paying child support from his first marriage. He only got out because he borrowed money from the person he had worked for in Northern Italy from mid December until early February (when he had pneumonia and had to go in the hospital and returned to stay with his family for two weeks to recover before returning home to me.) But he went to jail and borrowed the money to get out so he had to go back to Italy and work to pay the man back. He wrote that after he paid him back he would "see about a solution for us."

Ok that almost brings us up to speed. He wrote to me the day before Easter saying that he was paying the man off still and when done he would "see about a solution for us."

Then in late April he read an e-greeting from me and didn't reply. (I got notice that he read it.) Now he has done this again. I have known his email password (and he knows mine) for years and I checked and he has even ignored email from me and not even read them. (But ironically, has deleted other mail without deleting those mails.)

Now it has occured again. But he did receive and email from someone in reply to one he sent. The one he sent showed that he wasn't in Italy but was back at his old job in Southern Europe. (The job he had before coming here to marry me.)

I have been crying uncontrollably and even honestly wailing in pain.

I don't understand. He isn't saying that it is over, he is even keeping the emails I sent him that he hasn't read (but has deleted email from me that he has read without replying.)

Today is his birthday. A family member died this morning and I have to go to the funeral and face my whole family on Sunday. They will all ask about him. The last funeral I went to was three years ago when my grandmother died the night before my birthday. At that time he had broken up with me after going for weeks and weeks without writing and then when he did finally write he said only "I am breaking up with you." We reunited after my grandmother's death when I wrote to him to say I still hoped we could be pen pals.

My point is that it is unbearable to go face the family and have one person after another ask about him. Especially when he is reading my mails and not responding.

This pain is more than I can bear. I feel like I am going to lose my mind.

Please God, help me!


Posted by: Copper

hey i'm chatting, come on!
me


Posted by: Kristie

First I want to say that you need to calm and take your thought captive, stop guessing and speculating on any of it. The fact that you have not gotten any emails from him means you have absolutely no clue what is going on with him. This is email remember, and not exactly the most reliable correspondance to start with, let alone when the enemy is intentionally wanting to cause sabatoge. I have a customer the past few days who keeps emailing me telling me what they want and asking me to send them a invoice so they can just pay it. I keep responding and asking her specific info I need in order to know what her total will be. It has been getting frustrating because I keep getting emails in return again asking for the invoice but not obtaining the info I need and once more I ask for it. I finally just guessed at it and sent her an invoice day before yesterday. Then I got another email from her yesterday that real aggitated saying that she has asked me to invoice her she knows three times if not more, why will I just not send her an invoice. It was then that I realized that she must not be getting a single one of my emails I have responded to her, nor the invoice because it also goes out in my email address. I thought she was just being a difficult buyer and she thinks I am not answering her at all.

Point here, this is email! Second point, this is email and the devil is in the middle of it! That is a biggie I would say. Maybe he did respond to the ones that are deleted but you never got them, how hard would it be for the enemy to intercept them and send them to cyberspace wasteland? There could be so many maybes..and that is the key, you are guessing here, you really do not know and you really cannot bank all your bets on what is in his box. What you can bank your bets on though is God, and that He is in control if you let Him be.

So, what you do...you give it to God, let go of it, and you speak nothing but postive into your situation. When you go to that funeral and people ask about him, you tell them the reason he went back home, his mother is sick, and that is all you have to tell them. But if more is asked, then you tell them what you want God to do for you, meaning you want God to fix your marriage, bring him back home, give you a good life together, so you speak it as it already is, because that is what He says we are to do.

Mark 11:22-25
Have faith in God, Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

So...husband is back home because his mother became ill, and she needed him, and he will be home again when she is stable enough for him to leave her. What a nice son, making such sacrifice for his mother, and a man that is that good to his momma is a good husband too! Yes, you may be a bit sad because he has been there for some time now with her, and you miss him, but you two have a lifetime together ahead and he may only have a short time with his mom, so he is where he needs to be for now.

It is very important that if you fully trust God for restoration that you do not respond to others who make inquiry with doom and gloom and marriage trouble and it may be over, yada yada, that just gives the enemy to make it just what you say it is, and shows you doubt God to restore you. God will restore you and bring him back, or take you to him, whichever is best, so you claim your marriage as good, and all is well, and it will be so!

Meanwhile, be very aware that when you do not know the facts of what is going on with him, then you really do not know...God knows, and I lecture a friend of mine every single day on the phone to not make judgement calls when you cannot see the other side of something because there could be very very good reason for what is happening that is nothing even close to what the enemy has you fantisizing up in your head. I found out how true that is when my dad died. When you have hundreds of people praying for healing, claiming it, and he dies anyway of something else that was not even what he was there, and happened due to neglect of another, you sit there stunned going "Whats up God? Where are You?" There is no logic to that..and the enemy is fast to tell you God is a liar, that He just went against His own word. I sought God because I know better then that, but I was angry and needed to know why, what happened. God showed me, while we prayed for healing, dad was praying for mercy, he wanted to die. God had to honor both requests so my dad was stuck in a state of not being able to go either way, complete healing or worsening and dying. Then unknown to all of us at the time, one night 20 days into this and dad just lying there suffering, we all prayed for mercy for him. The next morning we were told he was not going to make it and they removed the life support and let him die. It was in talking later, trying to make some sense out it, why God would allow this when we were so faithful, I stated that I for the first time the night before prayed for mercy instead of healing, and the others mouths all dropped and each of them stated that they had done so as well. We knew then what happened, in doing so, we had all come into accordance with one mind with my dads request. We released him and God was able to then answer his prayer...mercy, to go on to Heaven with the Lord.

So, you see, things can look one way in the natural and seem to not be able to be any other way, but there is always another side, the one you cannot see but that God can, and whatever it is you can bet is the answer to the situation and it is not even close to what you think is going on.

Seek God for the answer. Ask Him to reveal it to you, give you a dream of what He needs you to know so you can understand what He is doing and work with Him instead of against Him.

Matthew 10:26-32
So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, and speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.

If you do not seek Gods wisdom and revelation on your spouse's condition, the enemy will make sure he gives you all of the scenerios that he wants you to think are the conditions, and you can be sure they are only conditions of deceit and destruction. You have to know by now that it is all he ever shows anyone..but God tells us that he is the master of lies and deceit..so why would you settle for his answers or what he is showing you and suggesting. Do not make any judgements, seek Gods answers, and stand of the promise that this is your husband and God will restore him and the marriage if you seek Him to do so and remain faithful in hope that He will do exactly what He has promised.

God bless you! Speak what you want it to be as if it already is! Blessings of the mouth from you, nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Posted by: Praying For Restoration

Precious Lord God,

I lift thornygrace up before you.

Oh Lord, come and comfort her. Wrap her up in your arms, and fill her with your Holy Spirit and your peace. Lord, she doesn't know how she is going to endure this pain, so we ask that you would take it. Please take not only this pain tonight, but the future situation of the funeral as well. Lord, I ask that you would go before her. Please Lord, give her great grace to be able to move through the moment of anyone asking her about her husband. Give others discretion, wisdom, and compassion to know not to ask her a lot of personal questions. Let them imagine how they would feel, and to behave with kindness.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen


Posted by: thornygrace

Quote:
Originally Posted by Copper
hey i'm chatting, come on!
me

Kim, I tried and tried. I had gotten into the chat room after the second try and was there for a bit. Then I lost my connection to the internet. We had an electrical storm so I think that is what happened. Thanks for being there even though I got blocked. puny s. can't stand Christian fellowship and support.


Posted by: thornygrace

Thanks ladies for your support.

I have not been able to sleep all night. At one point I was almost asleep and was having a dream about when I was a kid on the 4th of July.... real nice memory kind of dream. Then I heard Lula, the family member who died say my name right next to the bed.

I jumped about three feet off the mattress.

I know that this is imagination or even s's attempt to mess with me.

I used the "Jesus Prayer" (which is like saying the rosary: "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me, a sinner" repeated over and over to quiet one's mind.) It is a tradition in the some Eastern Orthodox churches (a fairly new tradition I believe.) I had done Catholic Catachism and used to say the Rosary and I know how calming that can be, so I tried this tonight and it worked.

So did singing praise and worship songs and going through the different threads here were we have listed bible verses.

I am awake at 4:30 PM but I am calmer. It is clear that I have been attacked.

I am going to tell people that Zack is due home in June. I have had "June" in my head related to his return date since March. If they ask where he is, I'll say he is still with his mother as now I know he is back there working his old job.

Our relationship started as email pen pals and we had over two years of this before he came here to marry me. (I had visited him in Europe twice also.) There was never any communication problems during most of this except when he went through a phase when he seemed to deliberately misinterpret everything I said which led to us breaking up. (Then as I said above, we reunited.) But now there is hardly any communication between us. I am afraid to say anything and for whatever reason, he is saying almost nothing as well.

If he can't learn to communicate we will never make it. Please pray for my husband to understand that he needs to communicate better.


Posted by: Copper

thornygrace, i'm having a hard time today as well.
i don't wanna let go,
i don't wanna let go of my husband, you know,
i miss him already,
he has been not home all week, it is like he is dodging me,
gosh,
i wish the Lord would have at least kept him at home.
how am i gonna make it,
i know how you feel,
i do.

i love you, just wanted to say i missed chatting with you last night,
i'm sorry.
i feel like giving all of this up.
what is wrong with me?
anyway, have to get to work,
just wanted to say i'm so sorry i missed your chat.
luv you, kimberly


Posted by: thornygrace

Kim, I think for me it is "the time of month" and I am even more emotional than usual. (Sorry guys that are reading but this is a fact of life for us with the greater amount of estrogen.)

But his deleting an email greeting that I sent him without reading it is a clear indication that he is avoiding me. This hurts so much more than anything else.

And today I realized that I have really screwed up lately with him. I have been sending emails that say: I am committed to our marriage and am forgiving you and so forth.

I can't send him neutral email as he might think I don't care at all. I can't stop sending him any email either. And the oter email style: confronting him for being so selfish and immature and asking him just when does he plan to start working on improving how he is as a husband doesn't seem like such a good idea.

I would send him chatty emails that just discuss my everyday life.... but my every day life is so sad and pathetic.

I seem to be able to post right now. But I have a worm on my computer and for some reason I can't seem to get it off with my Norton Antivirus.

Sunday is the family funeral so I won't be on much then (but probably will be on later.)

I am meditating as a form of prayer right now. I pray in my head and then focus on relaxing and then visualize God pouring a white light through me and healing my broken heart. Then I visualize different things that are on my mind and picture the problems getting resolved in a good way.

This is a technique I have used before and it helps me to calm down and "see" that God is in charge. I am not crying so much since I started doing it but I am still unusaully depressed.

But this too will pass.


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Relax seeing Jesus holding you in his arms and him speaking of the love he has for you it is in these times he is holding us up and we need to let go and let God make a way where there is none, let him part the red sea in your life as you walk through the path he makes for you to walk on.. get on your boogy board and ride on the waves of his strength during the storm when you do you will be taken to new heights in him in the spirit realm...


Posted by: WeRFamily

Thorny, I am seeing something here that I don't know if you have seen yet. You said your relationship started and matured via email correspondence. Isn't that the most logical place s would try and trap you? He knows right where it hurts. Please don't play into that. Father, we pray a hedge of protection around Thorny and her husband. We pray that you would come to their defense as You promise in Your word. Lord, we know You are all powerful. You let us see that through Your word and through Your many mercies. Jesus, intercede to the hearts here. Lord, all we are asking for are the same things You said we could have, in Jesus name. Amen!


Posted by: shalu

"I would send him chatty emails that just discuss my everyday life.... but my every day life is so sad and pathetic."

Oh Senta, I know how you have been going through so very much, while I haven't been posting much lately I do come to the site and pray for those here so know a little of what you have been going through. And when I read your post I just got the overwhelming sense of sorrow, of a sense of loss.....and when I read how you described your everyday life, it just brought tears to my eyes, to describe your life as a child of God as sad and pathetic. Oh how your Savior yearns to hold you and give you what your husband is not giving to you at this time. Allow the Lord alone to be your All in all, not depending upon your husband to give it to you but the Lord alone, trusting that as you continue to lift your hubby up to Him, He is doing a great and wonderous work.

Start calling out unto the darkness, the mist and the fog and declaring things that are not as though they are. Start declaring a victorious life, for there has to be something positive to write to your hubby about. Make a list of all the blessings in your life and add to them daily, hourly if need be. Start praising the Lord for the return of your husband, and maybe if it is too hurtful to go into his email, maybe you should avoid going there for awhile and give it all up to the Lord, not knowing what is going on right now, but God does and He will take care of it. What good has it done so far to go in and read the emails, even though it has been agreed by the both of you that it is ok. Satan has used it to cause intense confusion, so I would definitely pray about continueing to do that right now and just trust the Lord to work it all out, email, communication, finances, softening of your husband's heart.

Oh about a week ago, satan was attacking me hardcore mentally. Attacking me with lie upon lie upon lie. I KNOW that during those times that a tremendous breakthrough is coming, yet I could not shake the attack for some reason. All the sudden I felt the Lord tell me that my hubby was going to pull back, but not to freak out, not to chase, not to nag, not to do anything but leave it all in His hands. It was during those times that the Lord would orchestrate a face to face meeting but I was to continually lift my hubby up in prayer during those times. So while you feel your husband pulling away, trust that the Lord is making a way for a softening of his heart, a turning of his will to the will of the Lord. Pray about what you should do in regards to sending an email and what to say and speak words of victory into your situation....praises unto the Lord your God for the blessings He has given to you and the blessings He has in store for you!!! PRAISE YOU FATHER!!!

Shalu


Posted by: Kristie

Quote:
Originally Posted by WeRFamily
Thorny, I am seeing something here that I don't know if you have seen yet. You said your relationship started and matured via email correspondence. Isn't that the most logical place s would try and trap you? He knows right where it hurts. Please don't play into that. Father, we pray a hedge of protection around Thorny and her husband. We pray that you would come to their defense as You promise in Your word. Lord, we know You are all powerful. You let us see that through Your word and through Your many mercies. Jesus, intercede to the hearts here. Lord, all we are asking for are the same things You said we could have, in Jesus name. Amen!


Thorny...do you remember what I said to you in a private last night..about email and the enemy..I think you just got a confirmation here via sister Wer that you are being decieved about the email thing. I would take this as a word from God...anything He gives you two times or more via different sources is a confirmed word. He laid the same word on my spirit and that is why I said to not trust the email situation, that you have no way to know what is really happening there, and the enemy has you guessing at it, and you may be way off track..he will do that to you!


Posted by: thornygrace

Ok Kristie, but it is hard when I go to his email in box and I see the messages I sent him there and see that he has read them and saved some and deleted others without even reading them. It is hard to see how I could be deceived about this.

But I will try to not assume that this is truth and look for how this could be a deception.

I think the biggest deception is that when he reads what I write he misunderstands what I say.

I sent him a very chatty email today. It was hard to think of what to say but I saw a movie I know he would like and I wrote to him about it. ("Mindwalk" about the ecological theories of a certain Physist... which is very interesting because without realizing it, the theory proves the existance of God!) I discussed my "self improvement" work but had to be vague because I haven't been to the health club. I'm too depressed. (Although I know it might help my depression to go.) And the mentioned the funeral tommorrow and said that I wished he would tell me what he wants me to say to people who ask about him.

Then I told him that I love him and want him to be happy and if he needs to be divorced from me to be happy I will understand. However, I can't file for divorce so he will have to come back and do that himself if that is what he wants. (I explained that I can't under oath say I want a divorce when I don't.) But I told him that if he wants a divorce and files, he will get it.

I supposed this might have been a mistake but I figure I am at least letting him know that I am not demanding that he stay in this marriage and explaining the way the courts are here. (Remember, he is not from America.)

I will work on another "chatty" email in my draft folder for a while and then in about a week or so I'll send it.

(Oh, I might as well admit, I offered to buy him airline tickets if he needed me to with my last big check from that contract I lost.)

(Some of you might have noticed in the breakthrough area that God has given me a new office space starting the first of July for only $100 a month!)


Posted by: Copper

father God, I come to you tonight praising Your Holy Mighty name, for giving me a blessed, productive day. Lord, I ask that you forgive me any sins i commiteted on this day, and that you would hear my pleas. Lord, I pray for my sister thornygrace, I love her so much, God. Lord I ask that you would just surround her with the Holy Spirit tonight, Lord and that you ould help her to see that s is the great deceiver, and that what she is thinking she is seeing is just not true. Lord, help her to make the chioce to not go into his email account any longer. Lord, help her to let go the rest of the way, the way you are teaching me. God, you know what i mean. Father, God, I pray that you wouild lift her up, lift her faith to new levels, and God help her to perhaps start to journal. Lord, my bestfriend whom has been through this, but you know she was in the other shoes, not our shoes, she wanted her husband back, and instead of writing him, she journaled. God, I ask that you place the desire to do this upon thorny grace's heart, and that she know with full grace and power of You that some day her dear husband will be able to read her journals. Lord, I pray that you send her some good friends, to lift her spirit, and I pray you send her three new hobbies, to use her time wisely with. God, make her productive and help her to continue to use her spiritual gifts in this time of peace. Lord, help her to just get ready for his return, and to realize that he is in the wilderness, but not for long. God, I pray this man is open to the Holy Spirit, and I pray that no matter what country he is in, no matter how 'comfortable' he feels in his home land, that he would realize he has made a covenant with this woman, and at the very least come here and take her home with him. Lord, you have said that our husband's are the leaders of our family, and I feel certain that thornygrace would follow her husband, if he asked. Lord, I pray all of thes things in Your Holy and Wpnderful name, and thank you for the breath of peace you have given me today. Thank you my Father, amen.