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My relationship needs saving. Help!

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Posted by: penelope ann

Hi, I need intercession, please. My boyfriend of 18 months is an alcoholic. He is a decent spiritual man, but he is prone to occasional abusive patterns of behaviour, constant drinking out with his family of men, selfishness and childish game playing. Im exhausted with this, I finally cracked on Friday. Ive been decorating a house I bought, and had a shock when the ladder went through the floorboards while I was up it. I was injured, shocked, texted him and told him this, and he didnt respond. Later his response was nasty, and uncaring. I live alone. Id had enough of feeling I couldn't rely on him so I told him he should find someone who he genuinely loves and evokes a sense of respect and friendship in him.
This seemed to bring him to his senses. He apologised the next day, texted me and asked me out for a drink. When I said yes, he then phoned me babbling in a drunken fashion, asking how I was after my fall. I asked him if we were meeting up, and he then said that that was how he had felt half an hour ago, but now he was too tired, and had gone to his mother's. I felt he 'd conned me into forgiving him, conned me into creating a window of opportunity for him to be abusive again. I hung up on him. I then received a text telling me he wasn 't in his mother's as he'd said a minute ago but in an Indian restaurant, and that he'd phone me later on.
I told him he'd left me no choice but to end it, although he in fact had, his behaviour being so irrational and so contemptuous of my feelings. I am so so confused about what this behaviour means and would welcome any guidance or insight. We get on so well when we are together, it doesn't make sense to me.
I feel scared about what to do. I'm 36, wanted to marry and have children to this man. I ve never encountered a man I ve spiritually bonded with before, or who shared by faith, even though some aspects of his behaviour leave a lot to be desired, through his drinking habit, mainly.
I ve stayed loyal, true to him because of my faith. I feel that as soon as men work out that I m a Christian then there s a bit of taking for granted going on. Since he s a staunch Christian, that shouldn't enter into it, but it does because I don't think he came to the faith in his own heart, but through the dominance of his mother.
What do I do? I always read that the people who act nastiest are hurting most and need the most love, and I have given it to him constantly, though now Im at breaking point.But where do i draw the line between giving unconditional love Im supposed to and looking like I m accepting abuse, or wasting time with someone who ll never love me?

Please help. PRAYER or advice?

PENELOPE ANN
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Posted by: Ericsmom

I would never tell you to stay or go.

I've studied the cycle of abuse & there are 3 stages. You know it is coming (egg shell stage), the abuse comes, and then the I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again stage.

Interviewed 3 women who had lived in abuse for several years. One woman's story - her father was a preacher and she believed that she was suppose to stay in their marriage. They had 5 children. She says when you're living it, you don't realize that there are 3 stages and it's endless. Our text had stated that sometimes the abused do something to make the abuser abuse. This statement had caused me to do these interviews as my class project. This lady agreed with that statement. Ex. her parents were coming over and she wanted to continue to let them think that things were fine. They were in the egg shell stage, and she knew he would be sorry and act very nice to her while they were there if he hit her. So she wore something that she knew he didn't like so he beat her up. Only when he broke her back, did she leave him. She had not wanted to ruin his career -He was a preacher, also.

Abusers are both - male and female. They are in every social economic class of folks. Abusers abuse because of the power and control they have over their victims. Often when the female is abused, the children are also. What sets an abuser off? Anything. You can wear a pair of slacks when you "suppose" to know to wear a dress that day. But next week it could be that you wear a dress when you "suppose" to wear a pair of slacks.

Hopefully this will give you some information to consider.


Posted by: penelope ann

Thanks for your advice. The problem is more complex than that, since my boyfriend does not ever hit, & when he is actually in my company he always shows reverence, and the games he plays (usually on the phone, or texting, making or breaking arrangements to see me etc) are hard to interpret since he seems to have a terrible short term memory problem, due to his endless drinking.

There isn't a three stage pattern. I would love the predictability of any sort of stage or pattern, but there really isn't one. The only one there is is that he alternates excessive loving romantic behaviour with pulling away, then being excessively loving. EXAMPLE. He ll buy bridal catalogues, and talk about marriage incessantly, and declare undying love, treat me with utmost respect, then on the phone the next day, break an arrangement to see me very casually.

I ve always put this sort of thing down to fear in him of being hurt, since i don't think he recovered from a certain relationship in his past. Plus he has suffered from sexual abuse by a respected church man and friend of his father. He dismisses this as never having affected him in the slightest, but surely it must have. He is deeply religious, and very, very sensitive.

Plus he is a joker, (life and soul, funniest man in the room) who is eccentric and his personality is generally prone to thwarting the expectations of others, and conventions wherever he can. His determination to drink and have fun at all costs is due to the fact that he hates his job so much, though he ll make no attempt to change this situation. He is a talented writer, and i ve offered to support him financially while he does his writing, but he seems so caught up in the endless pleasure of permanently drinking, socialising, he is unable to make any sort of plans to do anything with his life. I can't even plan a weekend with him. He claims he is not having fun, that he is terribly alone, but he is never ever on his own, for a moment. He lives with his mum, works for his family firm, and is out every single night drinking with them.

What can he get out of living like this? He is 39, has never married, though endlessly claims to want to marry me, I don't see it reflected in his lifestyle or in prioritising us.

I feel Ive reached a point where I don't know if I can carry on, since he is so neglectful of us, and i hardly see him.

Please pray for a breakthrough. Ive asked him for some truth but it s not forthcoming. He just keeps saying he is alone, and we are all alone in this world. What does he mean?

i need clarity, please pray. The hurt he s causing seems so unnecessary, we are so happy when actually together.

PENELOPE ANN