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Depressed and in extreme RAGE

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Posted by: DespondentSoul

Dear Friends,

I am going to ask the Lord to censor me. The reason is because I have a lot of foul thoughts- some of them, if I were to express them, would make you all think I am really crazy. I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW BADLY I NEED PRAYER RIGHT NOW. I don't know for sure, but I must be under heavy heavy attack from the devil. There is not really any other plausible explanation. I am morbidly depressed and intensely angry right now.

Some of you know me, and know how long I have been alone. Others of you are spectacularly unfamiliar with me and my current life. Let me explain if that is the case.

I have been single and lonely for ten years. I am only 29 years old, and I am still very very young, but I feel like an old man in terms of the mental pain the aloneness has caused me.

I am mentally ill. I wish I weren't. I wish there were a diplomatic way to express that brutal truth without using the terminology that I have chosen to employ. I hate admitting the sad truth of my mental illness, for so many reasons. Even some of you who are self-proclaimed "Christians" will conveniently dispose of any trace of compassion and will label and judge me. You may find that you are one of the people of whom I speak. Do not despair. I understand that it is natural to fear the unknown. Many people are ignorant of the plight of the mentally ill, and sometimes, people stigmatize the mentally ill with terrible stereotypes. I have a very sharp, intelligent mind, and I have clear, lucid thoughts. I do, however, suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Severe depression, no less. Those illnesses do not make me "insane". I am a sane person. Sanity is a term in law that refers to the inability or ability to determine right from wrong. I have severe OCD...be that as it may, I am very much aware not only of my life, my surroundings, and my condition...but also, of the labels that society unceremoniously places on those people who have to endure the torment of mental illnesses.

Ok. Now you have a little background on myself. Now, lets begin with my day today.

I attend a small Church that is local. I will not name it. I will not be specific in some references that I make, to not only protect the innocent and show them common respect...but also, some of the things that I will allude to are between the Lord and myself. Some things, in my opinion, need not be divulged.

Ok. I went to my College group setting today. We have 'sunday school' together. Today was very unstructured. We ended up discussing drinking and smoking, and whether or not it is bad...or if it may cause other non-Christians to falter. After all, we have, as Christians, higher standards for our lives. Me personally, I do not drink nor smoke. I do listen to heavy metal though. Don't judge me for it. Can you honestly say that you never do anything that may be questionable? Don't say that, because if you do, you know you are lying. I am too smart to believe in such fairy tales.

Anyway, I just felt inordinately out of place today in class. One kid, we'll call him "Fred"...I always smile at Fred and say Good morning...and so forth. He usually responds with a short answer...sometimes a sarcastic one. Today, when I asked how he was doing, he told me "As good as I can be".

Up until today, I thought he was cool. But now, I have lost patience with his irreverent and ********py attitude. Here is the reason.

A youth pastor, who evidently did not know my name, asked "Fred" if Fred knew my name. Fred said a couple of things...something to the effect of "Oh I don't care what his name is. I don't keep track of those things". I felt disrespected later as I thought about his comments. Now keep in mind, I have been attending my Church for over two years now. No, I don't go every Sunday. Maybe every other Sunday. I thought it was rude and unChristian for him to be a punk and make those comments. After all, I have been civil to him on every occasion I saw him.

Then, others in the room admitted that they drank. Fred said he smokes and drinks to the point of intoxication. I was slightly disgusted. But then I remembered that I like Metal music, so I think I have no right to throw stones. They have their vices, and I have my own.

But I cannot explain the strange feelings I felt. I felt alone, rejected, like I didn't belong there.

At the end of class, I wanted to walk with this girl...lets call her Grace. I asked if I could walk with her, and she sort of gave a slight nodding gesture. As we walked, I asked questions...nothing taboo of course. Just normal banal questions to try and get to know her. I asked about her college courses...her musical talents...etc. But she seemed to be distant. She never smiled at me at all. She acted like she didn't care at all. And then, when we got inside the Church, she was talking to some other people who were evidently 'more important' than me. She was acting aloof and cold. Is this normal? Do girls who like guys act indifferently towards the guys? I have a horrible sense of knowing when a girl likes me (or is not interested)...but I think she does. Well, I THOUGHT she did. Could she have been acting snobbish because she likes me, and is nervous? Or was this just snobbishness? I felt rejected and sad. You don't understand how lonely I feel at times. The pain is so intense that it feels like someone is wrapping sharp, rusty barbed wire around my heart. My heart LITERALLY HURTS IN MY CHEST. THE PAIN IS MANIFESTED PHYSICALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY. I was so hurt. But, I am an extremely hypersensitive person. How, may I ask, am I supposed to change being sensitive? What if I am sensitive due to genetics? That is biological in nature, and there is not a chance at all that I can change my own biology. On the other hand, if I was not BORN sensitive, I could possibly be callous and not give a damn what anyone thinks. But how can I do that? Besides, how can I have that sort of attitude yet still walk in Love? Tell me, please.

I gave a lot of money at Church. I gave 15 percent of my income. My Mom only gave ten bucks, and she earns five times what I earn every year. Why is God not blessing and blessing me with money? Is he blessing me in OTHER ways that I cannot see? Well if that is true, maybe you can appreciate my feelings. I feel like I am giving and giving and giving but not seeing any harvest. That really really stabs me in the core of me. Its like I am being overly obedient, but God is choosing to either not bless me, or I am tying his hands somehow.

He has blessed me in the past, and very nicely. But now, I desperately need money to get my car back on the road. My car is just sitting and rotting, and I have fun driving it. So now, I am deprived of that fun. I sit for hours every week bored because I do not have a job nor am I in college now. How do I get my money, you ask? I do not want to tell you unless I can trust you. Just know I do get money. I always give at least ten percent to Church.

Of course I was angry and sad today during Church. The Lord likes a cheerful giver. Does that mean my giving was in vain? Does that mean I have to force myself to 'act' happy when I am being tortured inside? Does this mean that God will refuse to bless me simply on the basis that I must be cheerful when I give ALWAYS WITH NO EXCEPTIONS? Who in the heck is Always always always happy? Do you understand why I am so angry? I am so confused. I mean, why is God going to split hairs and bless my person to my right in the pew who happily gives ten cents, and I gave him 125 dollars, but I am sad and disappointed because I am horribly lonely?

To say that I am mad is like saying that a conflagration is a small flame.

I am sick of being lonely. I am afraid of some kinds of food because of the obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it has ruined my social life completely. How can I meet a mate? I thought that Church is where you should meet a mate. What the hell am I supposed to do? I could go to a bar, but I don't smoke or drink. I do not like dancing. I am weird and eccentric.

All of the amateur psychologists who have given me advice before have said that I need to accept myself. No one on earth fully accepts themselves in all aspects all of the time. Don't give me that B/S. I want to know how to make my life happier. If that means being single, so be it! But I am not happy as I am single now.

You need to understand, I am saved, I am born again, and I tithe, and I go to Church, and I serve the Lord here by praying for people. I know I am not a Saint for that. My point is I AM DOING SOMETHING. However, I am not reading the Bible at all. Would absolute MIRACLES rain upon me if I started reading the Bible again? Is that the key I am missing here?

Not all whom wander are lost. Mark MY WORDS.

In Church, I wander around looking for friends to talk to, and this nerd said to me "Oh, you look like you are lost". I was only trying to find someone to love me. How can I walk in love, when I hate people's selfish nature? How can I love people when they are snobbish, self righteous Buttholes?

The girl...you know, Grace...she attends a local Christian college. It has seemed to me that all the people who go there are snobbish. Another girl...lets call her Bonnie....she acted Snobbish towards me too. She had rich parents. I guess she thought I was not good enough for her. Boy is she in a dream world. She must think her own filth doesn't stink. It makes me frown. No wonder Christians get a bum rap. HEY LOOK I know I am no perfect vessel. I know that. But come on, what is up with these girls? Are they intimidated by my intelligence? What? What is their major malfunction?

The girl Bonnie did something rude to me another time. I had just met her, and was talking about a nice Church I used to attend. That Poo Poo head got up while I was talking to her!!!!!! And she walked AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In this one area in particular, I have been stalemated for far far far far far far far far far too long. I keep having bad luck with girls. They run away while I speak with them, or just ignore me. You know when you are at a party and the person you are talking to keeps raising up their head over your shoulder as if they are looking for someone else who is AHEM 'more important' than YOU? That is how I feel about these situations with which I have had to deal. Understand?


By the way, I did not yield to the temptations of profaning. I could have, but I chose to be more sophisticated. You're welcome.

So, help me- Pray for me. Pray for me to get help from the Lord. I NEED HELP FROM GOD. I AM AS SERIOUS AS THE GRAVE IS COLD.


Posted by: savesomesorrow

Lord, I pray that you will be with this lost soul whose depression has caused him to see things not as they truly are. Lord, I pray that you will protect him from the devil, I pray that you will cast the devil out of his life. Lord, I pray that you work Your Will in this young mans life and deliver Him from the life he now leads. Lord, I also pray that you will bring him healing, ease his depression and lessen the the degree of OCD, Lord I pray that he can lead a more normal life. Lord I pray that you will help Him as you have helped me in a similar way. Lord I pray that you will bring positive people into his life to show him love, compassion and understanding. I also pray that you will bless his tithe and return to him as promised in scripture. All this in Jesus name I pray, Amen.