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Solitude

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Posted by: DespondentSoul

Dear Friends,

I guess I am no different from everyone else, in that I have my ups and downs. I am usually content most of the time, but today, I feel lifeless.

Please understand, God has been generous to me many times before. In some places in my life, I am prospering. But in others, I am not- or at least, that is how it seems.

I am sad today, because I have been bored for a long time, and I just want some fun in life. It's been a long time since I had any fun.

Please pray for me. What I need is a financial breakthrough to come soon. Also, I sometimes feel very lonesome- lonelier than the sound of a train's horn off in the distance, in the deep of the night. I am solitary by nature, but no one can live without others to help. I am single, and I know that it's better for me to be single and in pain, than to be in a relationship that is toxic. Still, I long to be held again. I want to be someone's treasure.

My shoulder, left arm, and back have been hurting off and on- I think it is spasms.

My OCD is sometimes out of control- as are my numerous phobias.

I know the truth is that God is blessing me in his own ways- and evidently, those ways are things that I cannot see. I love the Lord. Tell me, am I not helping myself? I mean, I suppose 99 percent of you do not know me well enough to make that assessment. I have the somber feeling that something is wrong with my life- but I do not know what 'it' is.

I also have a serious problem with anger. My blood pressure gets dangerously high at times.

I am confused. I don't know what to do with myself. I sometimes feel so lost and lonely that I want to pass on from this world and ascend to heaven. But, I am trapped in a corner. I can't take my own life, for my family would never be the same. They would be scarred forever. So, suicide is not an option. Also, I do not want to go to Hell by committing the sin of self murder. So, I have to endure extended phases of misery. It really does not amuse me nor enlighten me. What good can come from the stagnant kind of pain I feel in my heart? I am so desperate. I ask the good Lord sometimes why I have to suffer- and I wonder what he would say if I were in the same room with him. Where is the honor in agony? Is this a rite of passage? I mean, when does the hurt end?

My heart is aching today. Rain pours from the sky- falling like hopeless tears from ailing angels. The weather isn't really helping me to feel glad.

Please, to those of you who do care, know that I am not going to harm myself. I promise you that. I do not make promises unless I really mean them. Yet still, I feel cold inside my inner void. My life has become a desert of shattered hopes.

So, with tears streaming down my soul's face, I await the good Lord to offer his aid.

Before you draw conclusions about me, please know that yes, I am taking medications for depression. Obviously I am depressed...

...and yes, I am- er, I WAS going to Church. Something happened there that really hurt my feelings, and now, I am sad because I don't know if I can go back there again. I feel shame.

I was serving the Lord very strongly until a few weeks ago. I was sent to a mental hospital, which was totally unnecessary. That made me very angry as well, and has also contributed to negative feelings and thoughts.

I mean, if I wasn't serving the Lord, then I can't. My friend said that I wasn't serving him- or at least inferred that I am not serving Jesus. I was disturbed, appalled, and hurt by that implication. I have tried so hard to serve God, even though I have severe Obsessive-compulsive disorder, and I have limitations on the things I can do for his kingdom.

I just feel despair on all sides of me.

Please pray for me my friends- and kind strangers. Please help me. Please pray for at least one of the above written problems I explained. I thank you for your assistance.


Yours truly,

Blade- Also known as Despondent soul


Posted by: christythompson

Blade, God loves every part of you. You are wonderfully made. You are a blessing and have alot to offer. I know God has a plan for you. You have a kind and generous spirit. You do serve the Lord. I am sorry your feelings were hurt but forgive that, let it go, and go on. Let it go.....God knows your heart and isn't it him who you serve? Of course!!! so be at peace. I am praying you find a deliverance ministry to be set free. Satan doesn't like the thought of letting you go, because he likes to keep you in this cycle of torment. It is time....for a change....for a full deliverance. I pray God will help you find that ministry. Bless You, with love