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Down for the count...am I finished?

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Posted by: Debi16

I really need some prayer. I thought I was doing so good, now I just wonder why I am still hanging on. This will be a long post so I apologize in advance. As most of you know I have been standing for my marriage...we have been separated for 9 months now. No end in site, apparently. Well, God has been giving me scriptures of Sarah being barren, then having a child, and Hannah finding favor of God and bearing Samuel. Over and over. Well, I am sterile (had a tubal after my second son, I was very young and regret it now) and I do wish I could have one more child. I am thinking...it's impossible, but God is so powerful. I finally put all my faith and trust in Him and believe. Well, my cycle is really late, I am nauseous, etc. and I am just ecstatic, overjoyed and I can't stop praising the Lord!!! When my hubby was here Sat., he put all the facts together and I finally told him. Maybe that is where I went wrong.

He has a son already and he loves children...but he was not happy. He told me why does this have to happen now, that he wanted to move away and live his life, etc. But then he says he jinxed himself because he was thinking his son should have a brother or sister. That makes me think he is considering being with someone else and having children because he knows I am sterile, apparently he has been thinking about a family with SOMEONE!!! Overall, we still got on well because I shut up and was loving to him as usual. He was just really upset about it. I told him it didn't concern him, it was my responsibility and I would raise it myself, that I was super happy even if he wasn't. He just kept acting like I ruined his whole life!!! I wish I had never told him!!!

Well, God took my miracle! I am devestated !!! I can't stop crying and I am so depressed and wondering why God would be so cruel. It's not satan's doing so please don't tell me so! God promised me and promised me...I did not ask him for this child, though I did praise and thank Him every minute for the miracle! Then He took it!!! Why would He do that to me??? What did I do wrong? I thought His word could NOT lie!!! I feel lied to and betrayed. By my precious Father!!! WHY, WHY, WHY???? Please someone tell me why? God will not answer me. He is ALL-POWERFUL, He made this child, why would He take it? I don't understand at all and I am just floored, flat on my face, I don't know what to do. I am angry and God knows that but I am so much more hurt that I trusted and He let me fall. I don't even know why, I could deal with this better if I KNEW!

So that brings me to my stand. Is that a lie too? Will He take my husband away too? Is He just playing with me, punishing me for my sins. I asked Him how that could be if He forgave all my sins, and I do believe He does. Why is He torturing me? satan did not do this...he has no power to do so. God did this to me and I am so confused and HURT!!! I don't want to see my hubby at all right now. I am feeling so much hate for him, thinking he wished it would all go away and God listened to him!!! I love him but I hate him. I prayed God would give me total forgiveness for hubby...I can not do it, myself. I need His help.

I am staying obedient to God. It is one of the hardest things I have done because I have never experienced such pain, losing this baby!!! My heart is shattered. If He wanted to test my faith, there are many more ways to do it, than this!!! I want to tell UB to get out of my life...I feel like God will never change him and he is such a loser right now. He has not even called to check on me...he does not know about my losing the baby. I don't know if I should even be here this Sat. What would you guys do?

I keep trying to reason why God would do this...maybe there was something "wrong" with my child, etc. but God is so powerful, how can that be? I even told UB that God would not give me such a miracle, and then it be a bad thing...but look what happened! Why would He create an imperfect being when He TOLD me He was giving me a miracle child!!! Does anyone know why this happened? Surely God knows I can't trust easy and this would not help my faith in Him!!! He PROMISED me!!!!!!!! Why was it a lie!? And where does that leave me? I don't know what I can believe anymore and I am terrified to keep believing Him for my marriage. I can't take any more! I CAN'T!!! When will He decide to rip my husband away from me? And He still is giving me scripture on the barren women having a child! I am terrified to even hope for that again. I cannot go through this again. I don't know when this pain will go away.

I talked to a Christian friend and he is stumped why God would do this. So if anyone knows why, please tell me. Evidently God thinks I didn't deserve His miracle, for some reason. I want to know why and I will continue to plead with Him to tell me. Please pray for me, I am doing a lousy job of it. I can pray for UB and others but when it comes to myself, I just can't.

The scripture He gives me over and over is Hebrews 11:11 "By faith, Sarah received power to conceive though she was past the age, for she thought that the One who had made the promise was worthy of trust." and Samuel 1: 19-20 "When Elkanah had relations with his wife Hannah, the Lord remembered her. She conceived, and at the end of her term, bore a son whom she called, Samuel, since she had asked the Lord for him."

He had given me the Hannah verse alot when I first started my walk with Him. I gave up hope on it and concentrated on praying for my marriage and hubby. I am so sad. So confused and so afraid. I feel like my whole life is just slipping away from me. I was really concentrating on keeping my eyes on Him and letting Him lead my life. I thought that was what I NEEDED to do!!! I thought it was where I needed to rest. Am I misreading Him? Am I displeasing Him? Why did He do this to me? I wish He would answer me. Can someone help? Jerry, maybe? Kristie? Please, someone who knows the Lord closely, because I feel like I don't know Him at all anymore. Thanks and bless you all!

Debi

P.S. A friend told me he seems to lose his miracles when he tells someone about them. I though the Lord wanted us to tell of His great works??? It does seem to happen that way...I was fine until I told my hubby. I told my brother, too. Did God take my child because I told???


Posted by: flowerchild

Dear Debi:

I do not have the exact words, i may not even have the right words (we met tonight in the chat room). i cannot imagine how you feel and i am so sorry that you are going through this difficult situation. had you been tested by a doctor? are you sure you were pregnant? sometimes when a woman wishes to be pregnant more than anything she will develop all the symptoms (morning sickness, tender breasts, feeling hungrier than usual, etc) without actually being pregnant. are you 100% you were pregnant? i just needed to ask b/c maybe you thought you were but you were not.

if, on the other hand, you had a blood test that confirmed your pregnancy, then i am so sorry for the loss. i cannot imagine what you must be going through. i do know you will go through a mourning period and anger is part of the grieving process. i have also wanted to get pregnant before and it did not happen. once i thought i was (i had the "symptoms") but i was not. i feel that if it is God's will it will happen. if not, i have always wanted to adopt, bring a child that is already here into a happy/loving enviroment.

i also understand being away from your husband. my husband and i have had a rocky road and are separated. we are going to reunite in about a month or so and give our marriage another try. be patient and know that the Lord has forgiven you. know that He loves you and would never do anything to hurt you. trust inthe Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understanding. i know it is tough. i have been there. feel free to pm me if you want to "talk". in the meantime, I ask our father to heal you, give you strength, hope, love, increase your faith and help you make it throughthis difficult time. DO NOT GIVE UP, YOUR MIRACLE MAY BE AROUND THE CORNER!!!!!

sending you a tight hug,

flowerchild :-)


Posted by: Delight



Dearest Debi,



Even this might be a long post so plzz bear up ;0)



My heartiest prayers with you dear sis. And I wanna assure you right at the beginning that the Lord would take you through this into peace and into miracles that you may say with wide open eyes and a smile that is so wide you could eat a banana sideways…



“Lord, did I really deserve this???? How can this be so wonderful!!!!”



I rejoice with you over the scriptures that Daddy Almighty has been giving you as you say “over and over” generally when the Lord speaks His words of hope IT HAPPENES!!! AMEN!!! And it happens whether we like it or not.



Just becoz Zechariah doubted, Lord didn’t take back His announcement of John the Baptist's birth…



Just becoz Sarah laughed so much hearing that she would conceive a son from Abraham Lord din’t hold back His promise…



You can comfortably TAKE HIM AT HIS WORDS.



So if He has told you once (even JUST ONCE) that He is gonna heal you. HE WILL BRING YOU TO THAT MIRACLE. AMEN.



You know why?



Because HE is FAITHFUL. Even when we are unfaithful He remains faithful Coz that’s HIM!!!



“Just because they broke their promises, does that mean God will break his promises? Of course not! Though everyone else in the world is a liar, God is true. As the Scriptures say, "He will be proved right in what he says, and he will win his case in court.” (Romans 3:3-4)



When Gabriel appeared to May that was the first and the last instance the Bible reports her having such an encounter before the death of Jesus.



Lord told her JUST ONCE that it is HIS SON she is conceiving and she had to take Him for His word and cling on to it. He didn’t send her another angel to confirm it.

she may have had thousald questions like you do when He was sentenced to a brutal death


But why do you think the Lord gives you the same promise again and again?



That’s becoz Daddy knows that His lil daughter is going through a rough time and she needs to be assured again and again.



He cannot just wait to ring you up again and again and tell you that He loves you so crazily and WILL heal you. He wants to see that wide smile.



Even in normal life we like our family expressing their love even when we know they do love us a lot.



You know what? He did the same thing to Abraham…



He promised the same thing again and again…



He pointed at the stars and promised, He pointed at the sand and promised?



You know why He pointed at just these two?



Coz that was all Abraham could see in the desert. During day time all he could see was miles and miles of sand and in the night stars…so everytime he looked outside his tent he saw and was reminded of His promise



So every time you see a mom and a baby he would remind you of His promise.



I agree with flowerchild when she says about “symptoms”. So do make sure and also remember whatever it is, it cannot alter a single letter in His promise.



My precious Debi, I know that if you were actually pregnant and lost your baby you would feel so very betrayed and cheated. And your anger and hurt would be all mixed up and throw you totally off balance.



I know it’s difficult honey. But plzzz don’t try reason out … “maybe there was something "wrong" with my child”



Don’t try to answer His wisdom with your lil mind. It’s going to destroy all the energy.



Lord is not so cruel to give you and take it off. So I am sure the miracle is on the way.



Lord told Abraham to sacrifice his only son the son he loved so much. Why didn’t the Lord go ahead with the sacrifice and let him have another?



Coz Abraham owned that miracle. And Lord is not heartless to have a human sacrifice made. He knew how Abraham felt about the son.



You think He doesn’t know how Debi feels? ‘Cmon Debi. He is your Father. The one who says…



“Debi, I would give up whole nations for you… coz I love you” (Is 43:3-4)



And I want you to remember one more thing Debi… Your Daddy gives you miracles not becoz you deserve them but simply becoz He loves you. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON.



He stopped Abraham from sacrificing his ONLY son out of His mercy but offered up His ONLY SON for you and me even before we were born. How much is that love?



Do you think the One who loves you so much would hurt you and destroy His promises?



"So that brings me to my stand. Is that a lie too?" NO



"Will He take my husband away too?" NO



“GOD, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. "I hate divorce," says the GOD of Israel. GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies says, "I hate the violent dismembering of the "one flesh'” (Malachi 2:15-16)



"Is He just playing with me, punishing me for my sins.?" NO



“I, am He Who blots out and cancels your sins, for My own sake, and I will not remember them.” (Is 43:25)



You know what I think? I think the Lord has told satan



“Have you seen Debi? Have you seen how much faith My girl has?”



and just like in Job satan has asked for permission to test you. And don’t advice God on what other ways to test you. ;0) He created you and knows you more than you know yourself.



But remember that satan cannot readjust His promises. A promise is a promise whether you are angry with Dad or not.



Satan will try to get all your attention off His promise. He will try to talk you out through your hubby’s words… his expressions of disappoint, his thoughts of building another family… he’ll try all his means.



DON’T FALL FOR HIS LIES.



At such times everything would seem dim. But just keep your eyes on His promise coz it can’t be dimmed.



Lord will give you the grace to forgive your husband… and honey you are going to be pregnant not becoz that makes your hubby happy or sad but becoz He knows you are a lovely mom and He knows He can trust you with His kids.



Motherhood is not an option honey… it’s a privilledge.



Lord changed Joseph’s whole life with a Baby… He’ll do a miracle on your hubby for sure.



"Please pray for me, I am doing a lousy job of it"



I think you are doing great Debi and even more I can see that He is doing great miracles on you.


And No just becoz you share your miracles with others they don’t get cancelled. Daddy doesn’t enjoy embarrassing His lil daughter.

May the Lord surprise you today!!!!


My Jesus,

I thank you for Debi and creating her so wonderful. I thank you so much for trusting her to go through this fire. I thank you that you are walking through it with her. I thank you for your promises for her and reminders again and again. I thank you already for the miracle baby that she is gonna have. I am sure you've already named him/her and planned her life...

I thank you for the gift of faith you've given her.

Lord I surrender all the "I don't know"s in Debi's mind. Lord she can rest coz you KNOW all that she doesn't.

Lord I thank you for planning to restore her marriage. I thank you that you are standing with her through it.

I thank you for building a larger than life testimony with her life and marriage.

Lord, wrap your arms around Debi and hug her. Let her 'feel' your loving presence in a tangible way.

AMEN.

"I am the Lord the One Who heals you" (Exodus 15:26)


Posted by: focusongod

Dear Debi,

First off I must say, The advice that Delight has given you couldn't have been put any better!!!! Take those words of wisdom and hold on to them and allow most of all for God to hold you during this time because you are his little girl and that is what daddy's do best.

Sometimes we feel as though God is punishing us and really all he is doing is preparing us for the wonderful blessing that he is about to bestow on us.

I am so sorry for the loss you are feeling! I was going to say that all you have to do is ask for help and I will be there! But a true friend will be there for you whether you ask or not. I will see you tonight.

Love You,
Focusongod


Posted by: Kristie

Debi,
I have no clue what is going on right now, I have wondered if the rapture is about to happen even with the way things are happening. You know what happened to me two days ago, and like you I sit here and wonder what the heck happened because I faithfully without fail prayed over Kevin daily and anointed everything, the bed, the vehicles and every article of his clothing with adultery prayers hedging him in, but quite obviously all the effort I put forth did nothing, no hedge was up, hedges that I know go up from this prayer and anointing from previous experience of doing such and he was totally blocked, said so himself and could not figure out why. But this time, not only is he not blocked by the efforts, the female came to our very door it turns out while I was gone and propositioned him for sex, someone that he knew vaguely as a girlfriend of one of this friends he hangs out with at the place where he goes and plays music on Sunday mornings instead of going to church. She knew the first girl he cheated with and this was a whole set up deal it turns out..by this woman because she knew he was cheater and she wanted him. So I like you am sitting here asking God why..why did He allow this to happen again after I have been so faithful and diligent in service to Him and in my faith, why did He not protect me as His daughter, why did He ask me all these times to forgive Kevin and pray for him and take him back, just so he could do this again. How could He have let us renew our vows/convenant just to stand passively by and let Kevin break yet another one, why, why, why? What have I done except be His faithful servant? I sit here today typing up divorce papers. Kevin is here, his things are not, he had moved them out, and I will not let him bring them back in because I am not sure what is going to happen. I told him that it is up to God, but I am no longer praying for this marriage, so if he wants this marriage, he better get on his knees himself because God is the only hope he has of changing my heart right now..which is hardening. I forgive Kevin, I love him, but I want no more..enough is enough. I am a paralegal and used to do divorce papers for people who wanted to do self divorces, and I am now typing up my own after 12 years of being together. I am going to have them ready to file. I will not let him bring his things back in because I want to be able at any time to just call him on the cell and tell him not to bother coming home today. And I just tell God that it is totally up to Him now, that if He wants me to stay married to Kevin, then I will see the greatest movement of God in Kevin that I have ever seen, and it will not be because I am on my knees, I have been on my knees for three years now, for this..so I am not getting on my knees for this anymore. If this is Gods will for my life, His will be done, and that is all I have to pray..His will, whatever that may be and I am in the ready to file for divorce in the event that is His will. God knows my heart and knows me and knows I have done all in my power under Him to save this marriage and I cannot do anymore, God has to do it now or let it go...He knows best.

But...I know the devil wants us to be angry with God and blame Him. He is very busy trying to make things look like they are God. I just went through this in January when my dad laid in the ICU on a vent and I had created a huge cross that hung from the ceiling to the floor with printed out prayers for healing from all over the world. The church united for his healing also. I told everyone, my family members who are not saved, all the staff in the ICU, other families there, that God was healing my dad, that God would show them all and he would walk out of there. I had my mother convinced, she was as expectant as I and I was leading her closer to God with it, and then he died. I stood there stunned and looking like a complete fool, what testimony could come from that..my brother even mocked me the next day about my religious beliefs. It was just three months before that, that I had this very exact thing happen with Kevin...all the prayers and faith, and I caught him with another woman and we separated and he moved in with her...I said then the very exact words you have said here..if all this was a lie, God and all He told me, then I may as well die because if I do not have God, if I cannot believe in what He tells me, I have nothing. My pastor and his wife sat with me for two days trying to convince me it was not all a lie. I was dying in front of them, because I believed God was a lie. Then my dads death three months later, then my son running away three months after that, and believing God would bring him home and he has yet to do so and no signs that it will happen, and now this...9 months after the last time he did this, 6 months after renewing marriage vows, 5 months after the death of my father, and two months after my son leaving home over all of it, here I am again back to the same thing I sat in 9 months ago...so yes, I here you...it seems God is out to destroy me sometimes..nothing is making sense, especially after a prophet of God told me in January that I was going to have a blessed year...blessed is right...my dad dying, my son leaving, my daughter pregnant again and this baby state bound, my husband cheating yet once again, my finances down the tube...I am so blessed! I pray I am never cursed in that case.

So, I hear you sister...but somehow, I still cannot believe God would do all this to me..or even allow it. Instead of believing God could do this, I have to ask if it is just me, do I not know God like I think, do I not hear God like I think, am I totally and have been totally off course on God, has satan played me like a puppet from day one. Like I said, I am in spiritual ICU on a ventilator because I cannot breathe myself, and if I have been off course all this time, then I just want it to die and not walk out...like my dad, because I do not ever want to come back here again to this point. I sit here and I think that if this is all a illusion of the enemys, then he has managed to halt two ministries, mine and Kevins. But God knows what is going on, and only He can fix it and make it clear, and He will just have to do so because I love God and I have done my best, but I will not move another inch without knowing if I am just playing to the devil or if I am truly walking with what God wants. He is going to have to show me at this point if He means for me to go on...because with this one, I am really too bruised and battered to care even. Only He can make me care again, and if that is His will, He will do it, if it isnt, He wont and these papers will be filed and I am walking away from this for good. I asked Him to take Kevin out of here for good if he cheated on me again, and maybe that is exactly what he did and the devil is trying to keep Kevin here to further destroy me, I dont know. That is why God must do this one way or the other, that is the only way to know for sure, and I just refuse to let myself care one way or the other right now.

I will pray for you..cant pray for myself, so maybe I can at least help you. God bless...


Posted by: StarChilde

Ok... first of all... even though it is not impossible to get pregnant with having your tubes tied...the odds of it happening are VERY HIGH! I also had my tubes tied after having KaeLyn because the pregnancy was hard on me,plus I am in my 40s. I have had problems with my cycle also... and had ALL the symptomes of pregnancy, thinking that I WAS pregnant... but I wasn't. The body is wonderfully made, and the mind can play into the body wants and desires... it is called psychosomatic. So even if your cycles were 100% accurate... wanting a child that badly, and the stresses of being apart from your husband, and thinking he wanted another child... yes, it has been known to happen. And also... yes He promised Sara a child even in her old age... but let's not forget... Sara did not have her tubes tied. And EVEN tho, it CAN happen... sometimes our interpretation of God's word is not to be taken literally.

Now if there was a test taken... let me say..those tests are not 100% accurate. That is why it says to see your doctor is the test is positive, so that it can be determined if it is accurate or not. In my case, in 1984, THREE TESTS, and 2 of them very sensitive tests, said that I was not pg, when I was.

Your husband's reactions weren't easy to take either I am sure. His replies to you, didn't help the stress that you were already feeling. His saying that he wants to go somewhere and live his own life.

I wouldn't say that God took your miracle, because it was not 100% established that you WERE pregnant. God is NOT cruel... and you done nothing wrong. I will tell you this... if you WERE pregnant, and lost it... then there is a good chance that there was something wrong, as normally, a healthy fetus will not abort. The slightest thing being wrong can cause it to happen.
God's word does NOT lie... you have to remember that.Sometimes interpretation of God's word can be taken differently than how God means it though. That is something that needs to be taken into consideration. And sin in the world, can cause many things to turn out differently than how we want... IF you were pg, then there was a reason why this happened... no consolation to one who is grieving... but hon, God KNOWS everything. And HE CAN SEE THE BIG PICTURE! You might not ever KNOW why all of this happened... pray for God to reveal the truth to you... the entire truth, without ANY interference from the enemy.

You need to look at ALL the sides hon... it is possible that wanting to be pregnant so badly, and all of the circumstances together...caused you to be late EVEN with ALL the symptoms of pregnancy... even if you have never been late ever! It is possible that all of this happening, thinking you might be pg, when you in reality wasn't, was something satan will use against you... I mean look where you are now... in a way you are doubting God. Wondering if your stand for your marriage is a lie... wondering how God could take away the most precious baby... wondering how God could be so cruel... it is NOT God who is a liar.. it is satan who is the father of ALL lies... and what better way to knock someone off their feet than to hit them with something that they want so much, to take away something that they think is happening before it comes to full fruit... I hope that made sense.
Wishing someone was not pg if they are, will NOT make the baby go away... if that was the case, then there would be a lot less babies being born in the world! Even if your husband didn't want a baby, IF you was pregnant...all his wishing in the world would not make this sort of thing happen. God would NEVER take away a life, just because someone WISHED it away!

As far as your hubby... hon I don't know everything that has been happening there, as you know I have not been on here as much due to home obligations.I know though, that DESPITE what WE want, that all are given the choice of free will.I am not telling you to not still stand for your marriage, I am not telling you to throw that all away... I am saying that sometimes what WE want, and what we pray for concerning our spouses, do not always turn out how WE want to, just because they have a free will, the choice to make up their own minds, and do their own things.

I do know this... God loves you, and He DOES want the best for His Children. He wants you to trust in Him, REGARDLESS of what you are going through... even though it is hard... oh sister, we both know I have had my share of things going wrong... being attacked.... but I do know this... you keep on believing.. you keep on trusting, you just KNOW that God is there... and that He WILL help you through ANYTHING that you are going through...

Pour out your heart to God... tell Him you are angry with Him.. because everything that is going on inside of you... every emotion, every psychological thing, every physical thing... He ALREADY knows! And He is just waiting for you to come to His Love, and to take you into those loving arms, and let the balm of His love just flood over you through all you are going through...

I will use yahoo to send you my #...call me if you want to. I should be home all day, nothing planned anyhow, and if I by chance am gone, it won't be for long... if you want to talk, or need some prayers said... just call... and keep on trusting God... even if you hurt so much it takes your breath away... keep trusting Him, that He can see the WHOLE picture...when we only see it frame by frame. *Love to you~ and May God be with you through all of this in a way that you have never felt Him before, may this time be a time, where your faith and love and trust will be RENEWED, and you come through all of this with a stronger walk in the Lord, than you ever had before! It's taken me quite awhile to write this, so perhaps others have sent in more replies... if so I didn't overlook them... I am not always able to finish posts quickly, having so many things calling me away at home.

God bless you my sister and friend.


Posted by: Debi16

I am so blessed with all of your posts. I am just in tears! Glad ones, that you all care so much to reassure me of our Fathers love.

flowerchild... your prayer last night in the chat room was beautiful, thank you again. I am doing better, thanks to you all here.

Delight, wow, your words to me left me in tears. You mentioned Job and how satan asked permission to test him...well God gives me Job 34:31-37 alot. I think I should quit telling everyone that we should be more like Job. Maybe satan is testing my faithfullness to God. I am still God's child and no matter what, I always will be. Even through all of this...I still know that the best thing that ever happened to me was finally knowing God. Finally walking with Him and loving Him and hearing Him speak through His Word. I am so blessed by your post...you truly made me feel so much better. I will quit blaming Him and just praise Him for all I DO have.

focusonGod...bless you! I know you are there for me. I thank God for you all the time!

Kristie, God bless you, sweetie! I am feeling your pain. I am praying for you. Who knows (but God) why He is letting this happen when we have been so faithful and focused on Him. Maybe it IS like Delight said...He is letting satan try us to see if we will forsake our Father. I am so very confused, myself, wondering if I even KNOW what God wants from me and of me. Wondering if I am just following my own or satan's path instead of the Lord's. I can't imagine we are, because the Lord does love us and He would'nt let us stray from Him. The illusion is very real...if indeed satan is doing this. He had me very convinced that God is cruel, malicious and hateful. But how can that be? My heart tells me that is a lie...that Jesus loves me more than life itself. I am going with the heart, though my head is still doing the "why, why, why?" thing. I try to obey Him but He has been silent except for His Word (Bible). God be with you, Kristie. You are a strong and obedient warrior of God...please don't let satan steal that from you!!! I know you are hurting so badly right now, but hang in there! Men can be so stupid (and women, too, to be fair) and they don't see that they stand to lose something so precious! Selfishness is such a destroyer. My own hubby is caught up in his own needs...he doesn't see that he could lose me forever. He is sure I will be here till he grows up and wants responsibility. Well, that better be quick, because I, too, am ready to be happy in my life. I am a mater...not a dater, and I want a companion and life mate. I am sick of this teen rebellion thing he is doing. I will pour out my heart in prayer for you. I think I am ready for a fast, as well.

StarChilde., Bless you, you are such a treasure! I could not ask for better friends, albeit long distance ones. I need to run take my son to his friends but I hope you make it to the chat room tonight. God bless you all so abundantly!!! Thanks for all the boost...I am down but the only way to go is UP...Praise God!!!

Debi


Posted by: Debi16

Guys, I am so confused. I will give an update and I hope you all keep me and hubby in prayer.
This past week has been awful for me...trying to deal with my anger at hubby for not being there, working 6 days straight, and dealing with my emotions. I was not sure I even wanted to be here yesterday, knowing he would show up.

UB does come by about 10pm. He reads me so well and asks if I am okay. I say I am, but he KNOWS me. I end up telling him all that has happened this week and he shocks me to the core!!! I was talking to a friend, saying I would want him to comfort me if I saw him and I was unsure about asking him to do so. Well, he strides across the room to where I am sitting, straddles me in the chair, grabs me in a bear hug and lets me cry. He holds on for a very long time, telling me he is sorry, hugging me tight. Finally he gets up, pulls me out of the chair, sits down and pulls me onto his lap, holding me tight, I am still crying, and he kisses my tears away!!! Do I need to tell you how confused I am at this point? Why is he being so loving to me, being so compassionate? Yes, he LOVES me....he just refuses to admit it. He calls me "baby" and comforts me to the point I am astonished. I could not have hoped for better from him!

I eventually slide down onto the floor and try to talk to him about the comments he made last week, he gets defiant about it, tells me I always misunderstand him and that's why we are getting a divorce, etc. I know I should have just left the conversation alone, I messed up there. But how can he be so loving and then mention the big D!? He decides he will use protection when we are intimate, etc. I still am upset but wisely keep my mouth shut from that point on...esp. as I still see some of his "changes" aren't real. I hate his sinful nature of lust and perversion and I see satan trying to show me it still exists in him. So more prayer in that area for him! I am tired and he sees this and lovingly tells me let's go lay down. We talk for a while, we are intimate...he used no protection and did not try to prevent anything!!! So now I am confused even more!!! Why did he do that? He disregarded all he just said!

I cuddled up next to him and fell asleep and when we woke up this morning, he was in no hurry to leave. He still is very unsure of me in that he thinks I will cheat on him...how ridiculous!!! But he gives me the feeling he wants to get on with his life, he tells me he doesn't want ANYONE in his life (female) but I am feeling that it could happen. Is that satan working on me? When I pray, the Lord gave me Sirach 36:21-27
Though any man may be accepted as a husband, yet one girl will be more suitable than another:
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A woman's beauty makes her husband's face light up, for it surpasses all else that charms the eye;
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And if, besides, her speech is kindly, his lot is beyond that of mortal men.
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A wife is her husband's richest treasure, a helpmate, a steadying column.
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A vineyard with no hedge will be overrun; a man with no wife becomes a homeless wanderer.
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Who will trust an armed band that shifts from city to city?
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Or a man who has no nest, but lodges where night overtakes him?

and Sirach 26
1
1 Happy the husband of a good wife, twice-lengthened are his days;
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2 A worthy wife brings joy to her husband, peaceful and full is his life.
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A good wife is a generous gift bestowed upon him who fears the LORD;
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Be he rich or poor, his heart is content, and a smile is ever on his face.
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There are three things at which my heart quakes, a fourth before which I quail: Though false charges in public, trial before all the people, and lying testimony are harder to bear than death,
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3 A jealous wife is heartache and mourning and a scourging tongue like the other three.
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A bad wife is a chafing yoke; he who marries her seizes a scorpion.
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A drunken wife arouses great anger, for she does not hide her shame.
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By her eyelids and her haughty stare an unchaste wife can be recognized.
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Keep a strict watch over an unruly wife, lest, finding an opportunity, she make use of it;
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Follow close if her eyes are bold, and be not surprised if she betrays you:
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As a thirsty traveler with eager mouth drinks from any water that he finds, So she settles down before every tent peg and opens her quiver for every arrow.
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A gracious wife delights her husband, her thoughtfulness puts flesh on his bones;
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A gift from the LORD is her governed speech, and her firm virtue is of surpassing worth.
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Choicest of blessings is a modest wife, priceless her chaste person.
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Like the sun rising in the LORD'S heavens, the beauty of a virtuous wife is the radiance of her home.
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4 Like the light which shines above the holy lampstand, are her beauty of face and graceful figure.
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5 Golden columns on silver bases are her shapely limbs and steady feet.
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Is He telling me to wait and learn to be a "good wife"? At this point I am feeling so disconnected and confused. I have been praying for him to show me His will for my life and marriage. I want clarity and complete knowledge that it IS of the Lord. I am very confused about what I believe He has promised me. I am now thinking He wants me to let go of UB, that UB will never be faithful, and never grow up and be responsible. But when I pray, He gives me scripture of hope. So are those my own feelings or is satan putting them in my head?

If you all will do so...please pray for God to make His will for me totally clear and without a shadow of a doubt. I will follow His will, no matter. If He gives you a word for me, please share it, as I am kind of floundering in that area. I just want to follow His path and I am afraid of being disillusioned and tricked by satan. I am working very hard on seeking His face again and letting Him mold me into the being He wants me to be.

I am hardening my heart to my husband, again, and I feel sad but like I could walk away, no problem. I know it is a protective instinct...I throw those walls up against pain. I know it is not what God wants of me, but for now, I need those walls up. I feel like I am gonna crumble under the weight of all this chaos. God has lightened my load, I cried out to Him to relieve me of the burden, but I am living this life and it does weigh ya down! Prayers are welcomed! This confusion has GOT TO GO!!!

Thanks for reading. God bless!
Debi


Posted by: Delight

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!


That was a miraculous day don’t you think?

And Lord has practically swept you off your feet and you can’t believe it.

“Do I need to tell you how confused I am at this point?”

No you don’t have to.
This is so typical of all of us.
We pray for miracles but when the Lord grants it we almost step away thinking no this can’t be happening so soon… no this is not the way he is…

Daddy must be looking at you with both His hands on His head asking,

“My lil girl, didn’t you want a miracle like this? Why did you pray for this if you are going to be so shocked that you doubt it’s from Me?”

So don’t be surprised that Daddy surprised you so soon.


“Why is he being so loving to me, being so compassionate?”



Why do you think that just becoz how Daddy might be working on him is invisible that the work is not there?

Debi, it is through your husband the Lord soothes you and pours His healing on you. So thank Him for channeling His hug through him.

“I eventually slide down onto the floor and try to talk to him about the comments he made last week, I messed up there.”

You are right. You did mess it up here. But you won’t do it again.

“Love does not keep a record of wrongs” (1 Cor 13:5)

I have done this mistake quite often. Let the Lord teach him of his actions coz He is Daddy. And when you do that he himself will come and admit to you and ask for forgiveness.

"I still am upset but wisely keep my mouth shut from that point on...esp. as I still see some of his "changes" aren't real. I hate his sinful nature of lust and perversion and I see satan trying to show me it still exists in him."

Why are you busy hunting for changes in him?

Debi, the work that is done in him, the moulding, the pruning, all that is between him and the Lord. You just have to love him… or rather, let the Lord love him through you.

Don’t you think more than anyone else God should get panicked over his sinful nature? Becoz He is holy and we are called to be Holy?

But if the Lord can love him… not just love but respect and honour him too (Is 43:10) we should also be able to do just that.

I know it would be hard… I know you would just wanna soak him in holy water until he is clean… but that is Daddy’s problem.

You do the praying and let Daddy do the answering…And let Him do it in His time.

“He still is very unsure of me in that he thinks I will cheat on him...how ridiculous!!!”

Let Daddy convince him of your faithfulness… Let He Himself recommend you. ;0)

“Is He telling me to wait and learn to be a ‘good wife’?

Debi, the Lord would never ask you to step away from your marriage and learn to be a ‘good wife’. But rather He would mould you into the wife He dreams you to be within the marriage. He would break you through situations (He already has) and form you.

So don’t think of stepping out and receiving the training and then once you become a perfect wife start loving your husband and moving in the marriage.

No Debi… he has already made you a wonderful praying wife… hasn’t He?

So He will do the rest keeping you within that covenant.

“I have been praying for him to show me His will for my life and marriage.”

His will for your marriage is that you remain married and that you would love your husband no matter what just like you promised before Him on your wedding day.

“I want clarity and complete knowledge that it IS of the Lord.”

When you have vowed before the Lord, it automatically gets Him involved within your marriage and make it a triangular relationship.

My precious sis, your letting go should not be based on his faithfulness… but rather, on Lord’s will. Let go of him into Lord’s hands so that what you cannot handle… Lord may handle perfectly.

Remember that Hosea was asked to marry prostitute. And Lord commanded him to accept back his unfaithful wife.

Just wait upon Him to guide you… and don’t block Him if He wants to send a lil love to your husband through you ;0)

Continuing to pray for you…


Posted by: StarChilde

Debi, I just got this in praying over your post again... you ask how your husband can be so loving, then do a total turn about... I keep getting the word doubleminded when I read your post. Is he a Christian?

Jam 1:8 A doubleminded man is unstable in all his ways.

I get this from Gill's exposition on the Bible about this verse:

Jam 1:8 - A double minded man,.... A man of two souls, or of a double heart, that speaks and asks with an heart, and an heart, as in Psa_12:2 who halts between two opinions, and is at an uncertainty what to do or say, and is undetermined what to ask for; or who is not sincere and upright in his requests, who asks for one thing, and means another, and asks amiss, and with an ill design; does not call upon God in truth, and in the sincerity of his soul; draws nigh to him with his mouth, and honours him with his lips, but his heart is far from him.

Such an one is unstable in all his ways; he is confused in his mind; restless in his thoughts, unsettled in his designs and intentions; inconstant in his petitions; uncertain in his notions and opinion of things; and very variable in his actions, and especially in matters of religion; he is always changing, and never at a point, but at a continual uncertainty, both in a way of thinking and doing: he never continues long either in an opinion, or in a practice, but is ever shifting and moving.


Posted by: Delight

That is some lovely advice starchild has shared.

Starchild thanx a ton for that coz it also helps me in a present crisis situation.

Yes let's pray for his unstble and fluctuating nature in his commitment and faithfulness.

Pray that his mind would recieve Christ's foundation.


Posted by: Debi16

Delight, bless you so much for your support! You have given me so much with your kind and wise words!
I do thank and praise the Lord for giving me such love and compassion from my husband. I needed it but was uncertain I would receive it from him, but apparently God is working behind the scenes on him.
I wish I could totally lose every memory of my hubby being bound by those perverse spirits. I know only the Lord can heal and release him. I try to love him and let God do his work, but it does bother me that UB is so lustful and worldly. That is the foundation of all our problems.
The Lord is breaking and changing me...I hope He will make me into a good wife. I have confessed my faults that I am guilty of in my marriage. I was not a great wife and I long to be.


StarChilde...wow, you have it exactly right. He IS doubleminded! UB is a fallen away Christian. He was born/raised Catholic but his family are all fallen away and all of them are very wordly and perverse. Morals run very thin in their family. They believe in self-gratification and selfishness. I want him to give his heart back to Jesus and to live a Christian life with me. If our marriage doesn't have God at the center, it will never work. I have decided I NEED him to walk with God, because I will never forsake the Lord again. I pray everyday for him and his family to know Jesus and to give their lives to Him and live right. They really LOVE their sin, though!!!

Thanks to both of you for posting and praying! God bless you most abundantly! (((Hugs)))!!!
Debi


Posted by: JG

This is Pastor Jerry and I am praying for you right now.
Dear Debi:

This is Pastor Jerry and I am praying for you and your marriage right now. God does not punish He loves.

Remember we really do care for you.

Pastor Jerry