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Just dropping in, speaking my heart I guess.

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Posted by: Kristie

I just wrote a email to Kimberly in response to one she sent me. I wanted to come post here as I know how it is when a sister or brother drops away, you wonder how things are going. I thought I would just post the email I sent to Kimberly here, so the rest of you can see where I am at in all this as well. If any of you can read this and pick up on anything you feel you need to point out, or if you get a word from God about any of it, anything, please post and tell me what you feel, think, what God spoke to you. I am seeking earnestly Gods will and many times that is found through others. Many times things that you are not seeing in yourself can be revealed through others who can look in from the outside. All I can do is seek, and hopefully things will unravel and be disclosed over time, the reason I decided to post this here. It may bring some enlightenment that I direly need. Love you all and hold you close to my heart and in my prayers. Men, keep praying for each other..get back united with one another, take hell by storm for one another, and maybe all this ugly stuff being handed out by satan can be stopped before it gets anywhere. Hugs to all of you! Will post the mail in a separate post below. :-)


Posted by: Kristie

My dear sis, I wish I knew how to advise you. I still feel so inadequate in advising anyone of anything. I am still so confused on how I got to where I am, as it is the last place I thought I could end up. Anything but here in adultery once again. I have even come to a point of pondering if this is a reaping on my part. You reap what you sow eventually, everyone does and it does not matter how much you transform in Christ, what you have sown will bring a harvest in time...as long as this earth exists there will continue to be sowing and reaping for man, the Bible says so. I wonder if things I sowed way back before I was walking right with Christ are bringing a harvest in my marriage with Kevin. I wonder if this is just not my plight...my punishment from here on out for things I have done.

Here I am, as you know...someone who would stand firm and rigid in the fact that you should not divorce for any reason, you should forgive and let God take care of it, as He will heal the situation. I believe that still, but I know that unless Kevin is transformed in Christ, completely, indwelled and so full of the Holy Spirit that he eats, sleeps and breathes Jesus day and night, he will do this again and again and again. Along with that understanding, I know that I do not want anymore of it, period. I also know that unlike before, as there is nothing new being prayed for here being the transformation of my husband into a Godly man filled with the Holy Spirit, I know there is nothing casual about time anymore. Meaning, I can just keep on praying and waiting on God to transform him. I cant, I need to see changes right away...because it was just last Sept. thru November that he cheated on me, living with the OW when I kicked him out. Six months! Six months later he does it again! Six months that I was praying for him, our marriage, anointing everything. I anointed his clothes every day and hedged him off from adultery, rubbing anointing oil into the crouch of his pants while I prayed a hedge. I anointed for the first time his van, all the seats inside, praying against adultery..and that is exactly where he was doing it, on the anointed seats! It is like the opposite occurred! I almost feel like a fool anointing anything anymore!

Jentzen Franklin from Kingdom Connection says that if a man does not get totally cleansed from the demon spirit, and he mentions specifically the demon of adultery in preaching this..although it pertains to all demons, and then he be filled up with the Holy Spirit...(the empty place that remains when the demon is driven out must be filled with the Holy Spirit so the demon cannot come back with seven others, because the demon will come back and check the man to see if he is still empty and if he is, the demon will come back in with seven more in tow). Jentzen says that if the man is not transformed by the Holy Spirit, then each time he will get worse. Where he was was committing adultery one time a week, the next time he will be committing adultery twice a week. I think this runs along the line of with Kevin, the times in-between his indescretions are getting much closer. So I do not have time to pray and pray and wait and wait..waiting will just get me a case of adultery again, and I do not want anymore of it period....I am done, no more! I have prayed and prayed that if God is not going to transform him right away, if this is not the end of the battle, four years now, and total victory is not at hand, then to please just let me go from it because my heart cannot take one more blow, not one!

That rotten satan would love nothing more then for me to be angry with God, blaming Him for not protecting me, because I thought that I was protected, I really did, and that this could not happen again..God would not let it...but it did, and satan wants me to blame God. But...one thing I will never do is blame God, this is not Gods inadequacy in protecting me, this is my inadequacy somehow. Maybe I do not really know what God wants for me, maybe He wants me away from Kevin. It seems like everytime I question that, God quickly shows me otherwise, but maybe I cannot even tell the voice of God from the voice of satan. I am the inadequate one, not God. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, but it is me and not God..I am sure of that. So, you see this is my position, I am not sure anymore of myself. All I know for sure is, my husband is messed up, and the way he is right now and has been, he has no concept of loyality, or love for that matter. He is a schemer for his own desires, a worker of iniquity, a liar, and seems to have no conscious about any of it. I got the cell phone bill yesterday to see that the Monday all this came out and he was crying to me on the phone, he was calling us both, me and the OW, one right after the other. The next morning, when he convinced me to let him come home and just hold me, and told me that he had cut it off with her the night before (of which she claims that he asked her to come spend the night with him..he denies it, but I know she is telling the truth), he got out of our bed, left here and immediately called her on the cell phone, then he went to the town she lives in and found her in the bar and pulled her out and they went to talk. She tells me that the talk was all about he was done with her and she needed to try to reconcile with her husband as well..but why did he go after her after he already cut it off and was done? You ask him about these things and he just plays dumb..never remembers what he did or why, and on this he just says that maybe he felt bad..that is why he called her and stopped to see her that day. He did tell her it was over, but according to her, she asked him if he quit her because she would not come out and spend the night with him when he asked her to do so the night before, and he replied that things may have been different if she would have. He denies all of this, says nothing of the sort was said, but I know it is true..he is a master liar, he lies about everything and holds to his lies until he is forced to the truth because the proof lies in front of his face for all to see and be witness to. Seems to me, now that I can see the phone logs, he was playing both ends from the middle those last two days. He was making sure he kept her lined up just in case I was done with him for good this time. Now..anytime I ask anything, like questions on the phone log, he is quick to blame me..we immediately resort back to my indescretion with Rick and what about that?!! He has no concept that yes, I cheated on him one time..as he admits, he pushed me to it, but there is no good excuse for it..I messed up, I sinned and I will reap for it, did, but I can say it was one time and I learned my lesson good! This is five times he has cheated on me..more actually..four full fledged affairs that have lasted 3 weeks or longer with individual persons that he has sworn undying love to and made plans to be with for life, and I know of at least two prostitutes that he admits to. So that is six women total for sure, and I guarantee you there are more that have not been disclosed..he will never disclose them, they are just shuffled under the rug so to speak..if they did not get found out, he got through them without getting caught..he would never ever tell or admit them. He has never really paid the price for any of them..just gets forgiven and all is made well for him. In fact, he is rewarded more then anything else, because I forgive and I go out of my way to be a good wife to him so he will not wander anymore.

I do not get this whole thing! But I will not blame God. Again, maybe this is my lot in life for things I sowed. I keep asking when is Kevin going to reap what he sows, and how is he going to reap. He cannot reap by me, I will not cheat on him again to reap him back what he sowed..then I reap again, and we have a never ending circle of sowing and reaping that gets us both straight into hell. So then, how does he reap? The only thing I can think of as being a reaping of sexual immorality is HIV. Pastor told us this past Sunday about a young lady he knows, she was 18, just getting out of high school, good Christian raised girl and walked right with the Lord, virgin saving herself for marriage and all that. A guy that she liked convinced her to go on a senior trip with him out of state. On the trip, the guy worked on her relentlessly to get her in bed, and she finally succumbed to his attempts (of course, she put herself in the devils playground thinking she could be strong enough to resist him, but it never works out that way..this is why we as Christians cannot put ourselves into those spiderwebs of the enemy. Anyway, she gave in, one time only..had sex one time, the very first time in her life mind you. When it came time to leave, get on the plane, the guy gave her a note and told her to not open it until her plane takes off. She waited til she got in the air and opened the note. There she read a short message of "Congradulations, you now have aids." So..here we have this young good Christian girl who was tempted by the devil and lost the fight, just one time, and she reaps a death sentence from the sin she sowed. We all know with certainty that we reap from what we sow, the Bible states it, and if we sow good we reap good, if we sow bad we reap bad..and typically, as logic would have it and God is a very logical organized God..we reap in relation to what we sowed..meaning if we sow sexual sin, adultery, we will reap the consequences that go hand in hand with the sin...loss of marriage, sexual diseases, etc. The punishment must fit the crime or some may be so blind that they cannot connect the dots..the punishment to the crime...so they know that what they are suffering is because of what they did. Some would not connect the dots either, my husband probably wouldnt! I guess there would be no question in your mind if you committed adultery and then came down with aids, you would know why you got the disease, just as that girl knew what got her the disease without a doubt. So what about Kevin who is a worker of inquity, who cannot seem to quit committing adultery? He ruined one marriage with it, and is now on the second marriage and ruining it with adultery as well..where does it end for him? This is what I keep asking God. I always felt that the loss of his little girl was the reaping he suffered for the adultery in his other marriage. He has not seen her since she was 3 yrs. old, and I have believed that he will not see here either..because that is what he has reaped for the breaking of faith with her mother, which was also a sin of breaking faith with the child in my mind..she is the biggest victim to what her dad did. When he used to talk about it all, I would tell him that I personally felt that he cheated on his little girl as well, betrayed her, sacrificing her for a sexual fling because the fling got him the divorce which separated him from his child..therefore it hurt her..and he needed to realize that when he has a child, to commit adultery is not just betraying his spouse, but his whole family really because it costs the children as well.

There was a time that after the adultery incidents with me, I would beg God to forgive Kevin and not reign a punishment down on him, because to do so would inflict me as well, as his wife, and to please not let me suffer that as well as the pain of the incident itself. This time, all I can do is ask when will he suffer the reaping of his sowing? Why do I feel this way is the important question. Have I truly forgiven Kevin? I feel that I have, otherwise I do not think I could stand being near him let alone being his wife right now. But I know that any unforgiveness on my part will hinder anything with Kevin and our marriage, so here I am in that quandry as well..not knowing for sure. What I do know is this, I know Kevin and I know from experience all these years that the only single thing that seems to really truly frighten Kevin to a point of making a real change that actually takes root in him for any length of time, is sickness..the threat of death. He smoked for years, but when he started having what he thought were possible heart attacks, he quit real quick and without much hestitation of suffering, but with joy even..just to be free of the death sentence of having a heart attack. Kevin is very self preserving, and it is safe to say that the one person Kevin does love more then anyone else, is himself. A threat to his well being and he is quick to act. I find myself just thinking and praying, whatever it takes Lord God, because all that really matters is his soul going to Heaven, and if it takes dying to get him right and rooted once and for all with the Lord, then so be it, because the way he is going now..he is headed to hell, that is for sure. Better death and saved, then living and hell. I have even told God that I will die too, I will accept the death sentence of aids caused by his sin, if it will get him right with God from here on.

So, yes, here I am again, willing to die for my husband, whatever it takes, just get it done Lord! So...do I not forgive him? I still do not know for sure, seems I do not know anything for sure anymore, not sure of the voice of my Lord or what I should or should not be doing. The only one thing I am sure aobut is the fact that I do not want to be cheated on again, not one more time, and I do not care how that has to be arranged, even if it is giving up this marriage. That is a fact for me...my greatest hearts desire..to not be cheated on again, and it now supercedes the up til now previous greatest desire of my marriage being healed, my husband being made right..although it goes hand in hand with that..he must be made right to keep adultery from happening..but I will choose to leave the marriage if that is not going to happen in him versus staying and praying through another round of adultery. This is a first for me in this vigil, thinking about myself, praying for myself and my well being. I do not care about my body, the physical self, I will die to get Kevin to Heaven, but I do care about my heart and I cannot withstand another blow to it. Take my life, but please protect and preserve my heart God! The mystery fact is, is God going to change Kevin, transform him before he can hurt me again? I believed God was protecting me this last time, that Kevin could not cheat on me again, he could leave and hurt me, but not cheat first and then leave. I was wrong, God did not protect me from that for whatever reason..sometimes I wonder if He has protected me..maybe Kevin has aids and I do not...that being the protection God sealed about me..like they say that sometimes our requests come in a different form from God. But...I need to know that without a doubt, I will not get cheated on again...I need to know my heart is safe. I need God to show me that, without a doubt. It has been what, two, three weeks since the incident came out..June 21st was the big day of revelation. I see no change in Kevin, he is smoking away on his cigarettes (the habit he took back up along with the last adultery!) and his pot. Is still cursing like a sailor here and there, is still watching worldly shows, listening to worldly music..is still just being this worldly flesh person and there is no sign of change. The only sign of change I have witnessed is, he went to church on Sunday morning, the first time he has went to church since this happened, and he went to the alter during alter call and got a seed offering and planted it for a prayer request. It was a thing we did where Pastor had sunflower seeds and he asked the congregation to come get a seed and plant it on the alter for a need, trusting that the seed would grow and prayer would be answered. I did not see my husband do this, as I was busy planting and praying over a seed for his transformation, but my best friend saw him go get one and return to our seat where he knelt and planted it in the pew (she said there was no more room at the alter, that she and him were the last ones to go up and she had to do hers at the pew also, but she just laid it on the pew...Kevin buried his in the seat of the pew). Funny thing, everyone elses seed, including mine, was picked up by the cleaning crew, but Kevins seed is still there in the crack of the pew seat. I left it there, felt maybe there was a reason for it. I was tempted to dig it out and bring it home, pray over it, but I just felt that I should leave it where it is, right where he put it in prayer. I find myself wondering what he prayed about...thinking it is probably anything but us and getting himself right with God. Probably prayed for a music career or to see his daughter, or to protect his son, anything but him or us and this mess of ongoing messes. I have not been praying much for our marriage, not seeking prayer from anyone else for us, most of the time just praying over others. I anoint the bed every day and say Gods will be done, transform Kevin into the man You need him to be for Your service and good, not mine. I am afraid to pray for much, after praying for what I have and the opposite happening..it gives you a sense of "If you do not ask for it, then you cannot be let down and the devil cannot point the finger at God..that just praying Gods will is enough..Gods will in all things is the best thing anyway, the only sure thing."

Last night for the first time, after watching many go before me, I moved to the front for prayer...felt pressed to do so, yet a resistance to not do so..to just leave things be and not seek anything in this situation, not sure of what to seek even. Indecision is the condition I am in most days, feels like a very subtle, light touched so as I cannot be sure if it is real or not, tug of war going on with me. I am being pulled this way, then that way..but it is so subtle that it is barely acknowledgable...like maybe in slow motion. Anyway, I ended up stepping up, and then was not sure what to say..so I just quietly said my marriage and my husband. The entire congregation prayed over me. Lisa, a lady I used to be very close to because she has also suffered marriage attacks, but I have been a bit estranged from here of late due to a disagreement with her husband about a religious belief, cried and hugged me and held on to me the remainder of the service. Real soon after they prayed over me, God gave a message in tongues and the pastor intepreted. I always listen very closely to a word coming from God, but this time I was caught up in a wave of emotion I guess for lack of better word, I have been subject to long deep bouts of crying from the depths of my heart, doesnt take much even. When he finished translating, Lisa whispered in my ear that God said to tell me that the message was for me. I thought, "great..another one that was directly for me and I did not hear much of". It was something about He would move the mountain and still the waters. I am in turmoil, I imagine that is apparent in my words. I have admitted freely that the enemy assaults my mind daily with pointing out things about my husband, that he did this or that for the lover and not for me, things he said to her that he has said to me, things he lied about, and etc. One of the saddest for me for instance is that Kevin has always asked me not to give up on him, and I am the one person who has never given up on him, except God, but this was something the OW said he kept asking her also..to not give up on him. That hurts...I have never given up on him, but he asks some woman that he does not even really know, that he is betraying me with, to not give up on him...what is that? Just like he tells them all he loves them, so what is love to Kevin? The words "I love you" from Kevin mean nothing to me anymore..he is too free with them to just anyone, and that is a hard thing to bear..how can he express love to me when it seems words are all he is good at but his words mean little? As for satan attacking me mentally...also the last time we made love, he blatently and abruptly filled my mind with a image of Kevin and the OW. I just as suddenly burst into tears which startled my husband of course and he reacted then, scared and upset. I have not dreamed in a long long time, but dreams invade my sleep now, sometimes nightmares, but nothing really bad, just enough to make me restless. I have suffered from tension headaches daily for two weeks, sometimes turning into full fledge migraines. I feel emotionally and physically drained as well. I guess it is safe to say I am oppressed. How can I not be when it seems the only things I can count on are unsure. I cannot count on my husband of course, used to, but that was a joke, an illusion as I call it..a fairytale world that did not truly exist in reality. But I could always count on God..but now I cannot even be sure of what He wants from me, what He is saying to me. If you are not sure of what Gods will is for your life, then you end up going with the flow and the flow can be a bad thing that comes and bites you..the flow can be satan in disguise. A Pastor told me that if you give it to God and want Him to make decisions for you, then you do absolutely nothing and wait on God to do what He intends for you. So I do nothing...just flow along, and then wham here I am. Did I miss something along the way..did I somehow depart from the path God was taking me down..and got separated from His will somehow? I prayed that if my husband was cheating again that God remove him from our home once and for all. On the 21st, Kevin packed his things and left, he was cheating. Seems like God answered that prayer pretty clearly, doesnt it? But then Kevin wanted forgiveness again, and let back in, did not want a divorce. So what is Gods will now? Was letting him back in against Gods will? How can I know the answer of Gods will if He is not handing it to me as easily as He did the disclosure of the adultery and removing Kevin. What now God, what about Kevins wanting forgiveness and reconiliation again? Your word is all I can look to, and You say I have to forgive the same transgression over 400 times a day if I want forgiveness from You. You say that You hate divorce for any reason. You tell us a story of a man that You told to go marry a prostitute, and she kept going back to prostitution and finally she ended up on a auction block for it, and You told the man to go buy his own wife back off that auction block and be with her, despite all of her indescretions of adultery. If I am to follow example according to Your word, then I too must forgive Kevin and take him back as my husband. Unless I have a different direct without a doubt word from You on the contrary, then I have to follow Your written word.

It is this I am going by in trying to stay in Gods will, but am I missing something? Did I miss something the last time, when God was doing all those actual manifestations of His will that were easy to see, and I took Kevin back that time according to what God was telling me. Just to come to this again? I do not understand, and I do not want to make any mistakes because I do not want to ever be cheated on again, which again brings me over and over to the bottom line....that I do not want to be cheated on ever again..the only sure thing I know. What do I do, when the only sure thing is what I do not want..but I do not know how to accomplish it with assuredness. The only one who can assure me of this is God, He is the only one who can make sure that I am never cheated on again...but I trusted Him for that this last time, I prayed day and night against it, I worked out my faith in it..and despite all of that..here I am right back in it again..so what now? Where do I find sureness in anything? Its like being in a suspended state..frightened, and you start asking for things that will assure that it cannot happen again..like Kevin reaping disease for his sin..something quick to stop him in his tracks...if Kevin had such a disease, he would never have sex again, he could not do that to anyone, give them something deadly. Its just crazy...like a out of control desparation in a very controlled calm manner, which probably the calm only stems from the depression and oppression actually. Does my confusion show all over the place by any chance?!

But..anyway...you can see why I am not a good judge of anything when it comes to Tom. I do know a demon when I see one, but I am not sure how long your condition is going to last...and what exactly you should or should not be doing in the meantime. My instincts of what I used to know and feel is that you need to let him go..leave him be, let God have him and cut yourself out of the situation so God can work, and let God guide him back to you when all is done and it is time. I do know in my heart that is the right thing to do in your case. I guess I am just struggling with when it will really all end, for me, for you, for any of us. God will save your marriage, that is without a doubt, it is in His word and His word is truth that we can stand on. How much more do we have to go through to do so is the question. Bob and Charlyne Steinkamp made it to the end, the completion, but I keep seeing myself and so many others keep going down the line to hit the same condition again. Here I have been using a woman in church as a example in lifting up my own marriage to God the past couple of months, reminding God that He is no respecter of persons and what He has done for her and in her husband, He will do for me and Kevin. Her marriage was broken also, and God restored them, her husband came to church, gave his life to God, got filled with the Holy Spirit (which here I have been saying is the key to total and forever change..now I have to question even that), and was down front with the rest of us spirit filled Christians praising and worshipping, it was a blessing..made me cry, and I wanted that too...and used her and him as a couple to approach God for the same. Well, she was broken in tears last night and went up for prayer. I knew it was her marriage and asked her afterwards. Her husband has become violent again and is beating her up and threatening to kill her, she is seeking a lawyer today to file for divorce. This was hard for me, that this man was so filled with the Spirit and walking with God like he was, just to be back to square one again. How many times do we go back and forth, how many times do we do it over and over, how many times are we supposed to? How many times is it going to take for them to root for good? Are we destined, is this our life lot, to spend the rest of our lives hurting and praying our spouses out over and over again, just to reap what they sow it seems, and they recieve a pardon for every offense? That is truly how it seems sometimes, they sow, we reap the bad harvest..the pain of it, and they get a pardon and rewarded with love and mercy. When does it end? I used to wonder about those people in this battle who have prayed for years, two to five years or more for restoration and it never seemed to be in sight..why did this go on for them so long, whereas I would see restoration in three months or less. I used to think that if it was not happening for them it was because they had not accomplished something in God that they needed to before the victory could come forth. Now I do not know. How much better is it really to have a victory in a short time just to end up right back in the battle again not long after, either way it drags out for years. Maybe instead it is those of use who have the fast reconciliations to end up back at square one are the weaker people, we cannot hold out for the long vigil, we have to be fed in intervals with a manifestation of hope. Because one thing I have always admitted and still do, I am not long vigil person, a year maybe and I am moving on believing this is just not meant to be, and if it is, God will put it back together despite where and what I am down the road..time to give up and go on for now. That is me. I am not meant to be alone, God forgive me, but He Himself talks about people like me in His word, that we are best to be married. For one thing, I am disabled. I may not look it, but there is so much that I cannot physically do, like cut the grass or lift things over 25 lbs. I need a male here to survive it seems. I need a provider as well, help financially, and I am the kind of person that needs that emotional support of a mate. I just am who I am, God made me this way, so this one is His fault. :-) I do not see myself alone for over a year. I commend all those that do it though..that kind of dedication is awesome and I have always felt like God would really really bless that dedication when the victory comes...it will be a Bob and Charlyne marriage when the victory comes, and not a Kevin and Kris marriage that keeps returning to flounder like a fish that keeps jumping out of the fish tank. I know that God will heal any marriage that someone will stand for, that is a fact, it is His promise in His word, and there is no disputing it. I guess it just comes down to the price one is willing to pay for it. Maybe for some, the price is extraordinarily high, I dont know. I feel like I am sold out, nothing left to give...maybe a tiny tiny piece that is just keeping me alive..that little tiny piece of heart that keeps it beating and if it gets wounded it will stop beating completely..that will be the more then I can bear part that is not supposed to happen according to His word. That's the point I feel I am at. You are just completely at the mercy of God...and you have always been completely at the mercy of God..but not it takes on new meaning I guess, now it feels like real life and death conditions. I truly am terminally ill of the heart, it feels like it is barely pumping, struggling to do so, and just one little negative touch will stop it completely. Four years and six known adulterys later...it is on some serious life support and I lay here wondering which way it is going to go..will I be completely healed somehow or will I recieve that last negative touch that will cause death. When you are in that place, be it physically or just emotionally..you literally are laying in Gods hands and at His mercy and it all takes on new meaning to you. For the first time you are able to desire just to get it over with, whichever way it must be this time and not much concerned with how it will be..that it will be the way you prefer it be, but whatever way...just let it be over. I guess that is why you can truly from the very depths of your soul and heart say, "Gods will be done". I never begged for Gods will to be done, but I am now. Gods will is a very intimidating concept to most. I know that I always said Gods will be done, but deep inside I wanted Gods will to be the same as my own, and would go on a vigil to match it all up, find in black and white that it is the same. Easy enough to do when it comes to salvation for someone and marriage reconciliation. We all know that God wants people saved more then we do! We know that God hates divorce, so it all matches up real good and works. But..this is different...you do not have to reach too deep inside yourself when you know your will lines up with Gods, and we manage to not reach in to deep when it does not..still evading this point of really knowing how that feels. Well, I must say that God has me there, a new level, not so sure if it is a higher one or a lower one though. I guess it is higher, it just feels really low and deep emotionally and there is a great many tears involved. God keeps speaking to me about my Alabaster Box. This is something He has been saying to me since this came out on the 21st. My Alabaster box and the treasure within is my tears. Every tear I have shred is in that Alabaster box. Funny, about a year ago I was given a message from God by a prophet that simply said, God says He has seen and counted every tear that you have cried, and holds them precious. I guess all of this means, if you go by scripture, that my tears are my treasure that I give to God. Mary Magdeline kept all her money she made from prostitution in her Alabaster box, and back then..she was paid in precious oil for her services, that was money. She brought her Alabaster box to Jesus after He saved her from the crowd trying to stone her, and she opened it and poured her treasure, the precious oil, out on His feet. The apostles were horrified because the oil came from acts of sin, but Jesus chastized them to let her be, that she gave her greatest treasure, all she had, to Him, to honor Him. I just recently heard that story about a week ago, after God spoke to me about my Alabaster box and my treasure inside was my tears. Three things have been driven home with me day after day by God, one is my Alabaster box full of my tears, another is demon spirits called spiderweb spirits that lure a person, who has given their life back to God, back to old things of the past..people, places, that are not of God. These spider spirits lure them in, them thinking they are strong enough to do so and not fall into the old traps, then the evil demons move upon them sucking them all the way back in. God was telling me to warn Kevin of these spirits back months ago..but of course Kevin does not listen to me, and it is like I told Kevin, he does not even know when he is staring satan in the eye..which is exactly what he was doing with the OW came to our doorstep and offered herself to him sexually...satan was using her, it was satan himself on our doorstep entricing my husband..and he was able because my husband put himself in the spider spirits web by going back over to his old music buddies house on Sunday mornings to play instead of going to church, this is where he got to know this female, she hung out there. It was a set up of the devils and he seems to walk right into them with ease. The third thing God has been driving home with me is that everyone reaps what they sow. He is driving this home the hardest with me, to the point that I have questioned if I am reaping something I sowed myself in this. I am sure God is answering me concerning my questions over will Kevin ever reap what he has sown, or will he always be what seems like rewarded, because only reaping will get him broken in Christ. On the morning of 6/27 I awoke to asking God about Kevin and reaping what he has sown, why does he get away with sowing and never reaping so it seems. I came into my computer soon after asking this and there was a email that said this, just as I have copied and pasted here:
Galatians: 6:7-8 7.Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

That is how God has been answering me on this pondering about Kevin and his iniquity of repeated adultery. I wish God would be as clear about His will for me in all of this. As you can see, I am not much help to you in your situation. I would pray the same for you. I know that God will restore your marriage, I have no doubts about that. I just do not know what is the best advice for how to handle things in the meantime, what will yield you the easiest and surest route to the victory, a lasting victory. I do not want to see you be like me, victory and loss again, over and over and over. I do not know why it has been this way for me, I am sure there is a reason, God has allowed it to be this way for a reason, and if God is behind it, I can be assured it was for the good. Still..I would hope to see you be more of a Bob and Charlyne situation. I have to question if it is myself, my own actions in my situation, that have caused mine to be a win, lose, win, lose situation over and over again. I do my best to just listen for God and obey Him. I thought that this is what I have done throughout this entire thing. I know there was time I struggled and I knew why I lost ground and faced defeat again, I knew instantly why..my failure that brought it about. This time I am clueless..truely clueless, and I guess this is why I am so wounded. I was doing my best, serving the Lord, in obedience, walking in faith and peace and joy. I was strong and I was doing so well, and I have side swiped by satan. I cannot find a failure in me in this, any place that I may have dropped the ball..I was diligent and faithful to the battle. I guess that is what has left me dazed and confused. If that is not working, then what will? I have no idea and I do not know which way to even turn. I am immobilized I guess you could say. Am unsure of what God wants me to do now. Again, all I ask is to please not let the tiny piece of heart I have left take a blow..no more blows of adultery...remove me from this first..take this cup from me is what Jesus said...but your will not mine be done. I feel at that point...life or death..and it is Gods choice..and I am just waiting for the answer so I can go forth to it.

Hugs to you sissy...know this has not been much help to you. Praying that it does not become something you can relate to in the future. :-)


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

From the Lord to you


My child I long to show you my ways but you are fearful that if you go down the wrong road it may be disasterous, but know this my love I will be with you as you go down that road and will not forsake you, I will lead you as you begin to take the steps needed to grow during this time of maturing in me.. Know this do not fret what is in the unknown for I am there and have already made the proper arraingements that need to be made..when you dwell in the unknown you are dwelling in fear and doubt, but when you dwell in me I will make known unto you the unknown in my timing as is needed, nothing is ever to late or early but exactly right when I have planned it and ordained it to take place, I am not a God of chance or maybe's but a God that is faithful and one who will stick to his words when spoken...


Posted by: Kristie

I guess then I need prayer to not fear the unknown, the unknown being that is Kevin going to cheat on me again if I stay and stand for this marriage. I am going to take this, that the Lord says here "that if you go down the wrong road it may be disasterous, but know this my love I will be with you as you go down that road" as a confirmation that His will is for me to stand for this marriage still and not leave Kevin. Has to be the road God is speaking of, because it is the standing and staying with Kevin that I fear will lead to the disaster of adultery again and destroy my heart for good..versus the alternative of walking away and finding someone new, a Christian man, who will be good to me and this will all be in the past, the pain will be put away and not a part of my life anymore. When I look at staying...that fear of disaster to my heart waivers threatening over me. When I look at walking away, it looks like peace and the possibility of happiness with someone new. And, as I said, I just want Gods will in this, I am totally obedient to Gods will, whatever it may be, stay or leave, all I ask is that God protect me this time from adultery, no more adultery please God, no more, no more. I petition God that He release me and take this cup from me if it means more adultery, that is my heart, no sense hiding that because God sees into the depths of mans heart, and this is what He sees in mine..no doubt about that..no more adultery, anything but that, I am begging God for that.


Posted by: shalu

Oh Kristie, I wish I could just give you a big ol HUGE HUG! I can't say that the Lord has given me a specific word concerning what you have written, concerning Kevin and the adultery...but I read something the other day and as I reread it today, I felt a leading to post it here and share it with you. The Lord has used you to help many hurting and He sees your heart and your desire for obedience to Him and to His word. He is there with you as you are crying out to Him.

Psalm 25:3a No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame...

{WatchWord} CROSSING OVER
Sandy Warner
Jul 14, 2004


CROSSING OVER
The demonic floods have risen in the lives of My people. These have broken through boundaries like a swelling river of mud. Some of My people have fled the demonic raging, some have become engulfed and carried away, and some have stood and taken the brunt of the onslaught. It is enough says the Lord.

Even now, I AM calling the remaining priests to take their rightful intercessory place for the safety of their loved ones and STAND. I AM not calling you to aggression, I AM calling you to stand and believe. In unity, you shall stand in faith against these floods and see My mighty blast of wind blow back these demonic floods.

In one massive unit across the great divide, I will bring My people safely to the other side. As My people walk through this great Jordan porthole of time, I will reveal to them their heritage which has been covered by the floods. This inheritance has not been fully known since the day of Adam.

So do not grow faint in your journeys, dear ones. I have promised you new beginnings. I will renew your hope and your calling. I will open your eyes to witness your God of miracles Who will roll back the floods on your behalf. Yield all to Me and I will bring you safely across to the other side.

Josh 3:14-16 NKJV
So it was, when the people set out from their camp to cross over the Jordan, with the priests bearing the ark of the covenant before the people, and as those who bore the ark came to the Jordan, and the feet of the priests who bore the ark dipped in the edge of the water (for the Jordan overflows all its banks during the whole time of harvest), that the waters which came down from upstream stood still, and rose in a heap very far away at Adam…



Click here for specific rhema behind this Word to Ponder:
http://www.************/Groups/ViewM...roupID=EB005Z4Z


~~~~~~~~~~~
Words to Ponder are summaries of prophetic revelation, punched with the word of wisdom and written under inspiration. [Sandy Warner: swauthor**usa.net / website: www.thequickenedword.com ] Permission given to forward or post.


Posted by: Kristie

Thank you for that word, because it does help, as I believe that very much. Many of us have been remarking how the enemy is coming after all of us like a flood, so I definitely agree with this word...and it is comforting to hear the Lord speak on it with hope. I do feel like one of those who has stood and taken the brunt of the flood, and I have said so many times since the 21st that this is enough to God, please let this be enough..and now prophetically, God is saying it is enough. I will claim this rhema word and I will believe that God is coming forth finally and is going to blow the enemy back. I know I have stood faithful and strong against the dark powers, I have taken beatings from them repeatedly and still stood in obedience to God, to His will, and I know God honors me for that, I have been prophetically told that God holds me precious in His sight, and that was one reason this was so hard to understand..I know I am a daughter of Zion and I thought He would shield me. But, one more hit by the enemy was worth seeing God come forth and blow the demons backwards, driving them out once and for all. I claim this for all of us, because I know that my brothers and sisters here on this board have stood strong and united, and I tagain hank you for bringing the word to us. Here is a big hug right back to you and again I know that one of the greatest blessings I have had come of all the trials I have went through with Kevin, is finding this board and all of you, getting to know you and share with you, and stand united with you. That is the greatest blessing to come of this...and just goes to show that God uses all things for good. :-)


Posted by: Debi16

Oh Kristie, I wish I could take your pain. I am in the exact same situation!!! Either we are due a miraculous happening or else we are both destined to live out lives miserable because of these irresponsible, immature boys we married. They are so alike...very sexually addicted, selfish and self-serving. UB cheats on me with his heart and mind, which hurts just as much. Adultery is adultery.

I believe I am reaping what I have sown, I really do. I also want to know, when is UB going to reap what HE has sown??? It seems he goes about his merry way, having his freedom and perverse life, and he has me to come to on the weekend. I feel like God told me to be unconditionally loving, so I have let him come around, when lately I really want to just tell him to shove off! satan puts alot of garbage in my head about UB's selfishness and shortcomings. My 1st hubby was bad, but nothing like this guy!!! UB takes the award if there was one for being a horrid hubby/person! I am working on total forgiveness...God HAS to help me with that. There is some of it I have totally forgiven, but there is some I have trouble with.

I am in this whirlwind of confusion and doubt. Like you...I wonder what God's will IS for me and if I have been following Him or satan. It was driving me totally insane so I really had to stop it, put it in the Lord's hands and trust He will do His will in my life, whatever that may be. Most days I do okay...like a zombie, moving through life trying not to feel. Then I have the days I want to give up and beat UB senseless (wouldn't take much beating!!!! ) for ever having hurt me and put me through all this when I have only ever tried to be a good, loyal, loving wife. I know it is satan working in him, not really the UB I fell in love with. But he is the flesh covering that hideous creature ruling over him!

I read this thread and I felt the holy spirit giving me this scripture about forgiving:
Matt 18:22 Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times".
It just came to me immediately when I came to this thread.

When I am ready to just let UB go and get on with my life, God always seems to pull me back to standing. I have been praying a novena (St. Rita) and asked if saving my marriage was His will, to send me a rose some way. That very night, there is a preview of a show on Court TV, with a rose. Not to be easily swayed, I say "coincidence" but several times this week, there has been roses in my path in some way or another. I am not getting excited...I am just leaving it to God.

My whole life and hope revolve around my precious Lord. I am just trying to live my life alone while God does all the work. I cannot accept UB unless he is a new person in God. I can't live my life while he disrespects me lusting after everything that moves! I can't live with the selfishness, the bad language, and the moodiness and lack of responsibility. Only Jesus can change him!!!

I am a mater...not a dater. I want a life mate. I am tired of being alone. I need a partner, a best friend, a man who adores me and wants to share a life with me. I truly hope it is with UB. I believe it IS, but my "faith antenne" is broken so I just pray for his salvation and destruction of his sin, the removal of the sin to be over-filled with the Holy Spirit.

I cannot do this again, not for anyone. And I can't do this much longer. Aug. 1 will be 11 months. How long am I expected to wait? My life is lacking in alot of ways while I wait for him to be "healed" by God. Maybe I am fooling myself. For all I know he is hanging on to me until "something better" comes along. If he truly loved me, he would be willing to change and to work on this marriage. He loves himself and that's the bottom line. I think if I were like his first wife and encouraged him to be his usual lustful, perverse self, we would have a perfect marriage. Then I think maybe this is what I get for divorcing my 1st hubby. Reaping what I sow.

So Kristie, we are twins in this stage of our marriages. I wish I knew why. I wish God would make it abundantly clear what He wants and when it will happen. But faith is waiting on the unseen, so here we are...waiting.

Hey, a big part of my confusion comes from seeing alot of 2nd marriages under fire. You know Charlene thinks only 1st marriages are "covenant". That put alot of thinking into my head and I start believeing because this is my 2nd, maybe God will never let me have happiness. I see so many in the same predicament. I think even if I let UB go and find the "perfect" guy, that IT will be a disaster, too because it is not the 1st. To make matters worse, I then think...."But God PROMISED me to heal my marriage", :"His Word does not lie", and I think this is the very first time I have ever known Him personally and walked with Him. Which flip-flops into my thinking that maybe I AM delusional, that God never told me those promises, that I am desperate to heal my marriage/hubby. So then I give up, but then I feel God will pull me back to stand. It is a vicious cycle and I drove myself near to a breakdown!

Before anyone comes to tell me to believe and trust and hold onto faith...I AM, believe it or not. I am fighting the depression and thoughts and have collapsed in Jesus' arms...letting Him fight any battles for me. I have tried to disconnect from the whole drama, and just live for God and His will, no matter what it is. I totally TRUST Him, because I am SURE that He loves me and wants the best for me. I will obey Him, in any case! I just had to let Kristie know she is not the only one in this position of questioning the whole of her life and God's will for it. For some reason I am in the same season. That is why I believe it IS for a reason! It's not a coincidence...it can't be!
I am drawing near to Him and He is giving me peace and joy. Despite my times I cry and get down, overall I am doing well. Our Lord is MIGHTY and He is TRUE!!! That is what we cling to in this time. satan can't turn us against our Father.

Kristie, hang tough, sweetie! I will keep you in deep prayer. Bear the pain (like in childbirth) and let God birth whatever He will! I can't accept that He wants us to bear all this pain for naught! I, too, am not one to wait a long time and I question if that is a problem. But then I know God will not do anything before it is HIS time. So what has come to pass for us, is for a reason. I know I can't bear another abandonment from UB, I won't tolerate it. I also know it is going against God's will, so I battle with that. I want to obey!!! Ugh, it is so very hard! Maybe that is what He is trying to teach me...obeying at ALL costs. He led me to scripture to that effect...about making no promise or vow to God that I couldn't keep...it is better to NOT make a vow at all, than to break one. Too late...as I have broken my first marriage!!!

Anyway, I do hope that I haven't discouraged anyone. Understand that I am still standing...due ONLY to God!!! I am just airing my weaknesses. I have been so very strong, too, so it goes with the territory. Anyone with marriage problems, I urge you to draw near to God and sincerely let Him do His will! If He truly hates divorce, then we can be assured He will heal us and our marriages. I HAVE to believe His Word!!! We have to live our faith no matter how much satan tears us down.

God bless you Kristie! I will keep you in prayer. Take care of yourself!
Debi


Posted by: youngscarlet

Kristie,

I don't have a long post like some of the others. I am simply writing to say how glad I am to have some word from you. I feel as you do, questioning how many times we have to go back and forth as my own "saga" continues. As I was reading your post this scripture did come to me, "No longer will my words be delayed." I can't quote the scripture in it's entirety or even tell you where to locate it. It is one that was given to me a few weeks ago and that portion of it came to me as I read your words.

Know that I am continuing to pray for you. I have not stopped in your absence. "I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm."

Much love and many blessings,
Scarlet


Posted by: Kristie

Thank you so much Debi, and YoungScarlet, my dear sisters in Christ who have been here for me. I was listening to Christian radio yesterday in my car, as usual, and a woman was giving testimony about how she had wanted a child & could not give birth. They wanted to adopt, but I guess many times when it looked like it was happening for them, something would stop the blessing. She was saying how her heart had been broken so many times over it that she had become very fearful..she said the words I have said about my situation, and that all of you have related to as well..feeling like I only have a tiny piece of heart left and if it gets broken, I will not be able to bear up, to take the blow..so it becomes a fear factor..no more, please just protect and do not take a risk. This is what really caught my attention with her story, those words that were describing my feelings as well, even if different circumstances. She said that again a adoption came up, it was a child from China, but she had already suffered the blow of impossibility because it was going to cost them $25,000 to adopt this child, which was totally impossible. God was telling her that it was not with Him..and He would provide the way. This is where she was feeling fearful..no more, could not take another disappointment, could not trust what she was hearing, if it was actually from God..because of the mountain it was before her. Like me, and most of us. So she said she just flat out spoke her heart to God and told Him that she had to know if it was from Him without a doubt, that she needed Him to without a doubt, in a human physical manifestation manner that could not be questioned or denied by anyone, to give her a clear sign that He was giving her this child, the means..and only then could she trust & have the faith needed to face the going forth with it. She said she just flat out laid it on the line to God, show me, and show me in a way that cannot be questioned...show me in a human way that is so clear there is not way I can misinterpret or second guess it. She said within 30 minutes, a man she did not know, walked into her office and stated that he and his wife had adopted a child from China, and that he would help her with anything she needed to adopt a child from there as well. That was Gods answer! She said she knew then, and her and husband set forth to obtain the money which was the impossible part. They went to their bank, and the bank denied them. They then asked their mortgage company for a equity loan, and was told that they had not equity, they only owned for three years. They then asked if they could get an appraisel an if it appraised out higher, then would they be able to. The mortgage company said sure, but it would never happen..never has, couldnt..impossible. They called an appraiser and he came to look. She said he asked her what they wanted the money for before he even started, and she told him. He did his inspection, then as leaving she said he stopped and at the door and said, "I never ask this, it is not something that I would do, never have & never thought I would, but how much do you need to accomplish this?" She said she told him half of the amount they needed, and he said he would write it to get that. She said that when the mortgage company got the papers, they called, and just like that they were handed a check for the total amount needed to go adopt the child..the entire amount needed mind you.

Well, in listening, I decided that I need the same from God. I need a direct answer from Him as to His will for me and Kevin, if I am to stay in this marriage secure that Kevin is being transformed and I will never be hurt again, it is done and over, the victory won...or do I go..move on from this marriage and Kevin. I need the answer in a way that is human, a physical manifestation that cannot be misunderstood or second guessed, tampered with by satan, and is without a doubt of God in a very understand and clear undeniable manner. This is what I am asking of God, just like this lady did concerning the adoption because of her fearful heart condition. God is no respecter of persons, and what He did for her, He will do for me, and I am seeking Him for this in my circumstances just as she did in hers, and He will give me what I need to know His will. I wanted to publicly make this request as you have been with me through this, praying for me, sharing my pain, as I have yours, and I will continue to share my victory in whatever form that may come...because no matter, if it comes from God, it is a victory..even when it may not seem to be..God cannot do the wrong thing, make the wrong decision...if He leads you away from one thing, it is because He is leading you to something better. Better means happiness again, joy and peace. I will have all of those things abundently if Kevin is transformed and what I have stood and fought for all this time comes to reality, but if that turns out to not be Gods will, and His will is for me to move on..I know in my heart that there is a different and just as joyous victory in that as well..I do not see it or know what that is yet..but it will be joyous..I know that. So...Father God, I plead that You know my heart and my condition, and You will give me the answer in a manner that leaves no doubt or ability to interpret falsely, that I clearly will know Your will for me in this matter, and I promise to obey Your will, whatever it may be. I love and thank You Father God..You are my only hope, the way truth and light that leads to everlasting peace and joy, Father, bring me wisdom so I may follow where You lead and I am able to stand strong against the enemy and finish this battle, whatever end that may be according to Your will for my life. I praise and honor You, all glory be unto Your precious and holy Name. Amen.

Debra, you told me about the roses, and then I heard this ladys testimony, and I knew that God would answer my request, and I wanted to share this because I know that I am not the only one who needs clarity to find peace once and for all, and what God does for one, He will do for another, for all of us if we ask. Love all of you..God bless..


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Hi kristie have you read this yet is awesome ((HUGS)) please read all is worth it..

THE VISION OF THE HARNESS OF THE LORD
~ By Bill Britton


THE HARNESS OF THE LORD


There is a terrific operation of the Spirit going on today to bring the
Sons of God into an absolute confinement to the perfect will of God.
This is the Day of His Preparation the day in which He is preparing the
channel through which He shall pour forth His Glory for all the world to
see.

This channel is His Body in the earth that glorious company of people
who are being conformed through much tribulation and fiery tests to the
Image of the Son of God. This is His "battle axe and weapons of war"
with which He shall subdue kingdoms and overcome all His enemies.

This is His "mighty and strong One" to whom He shall commit the work of
judging this world. This is His Overcomer, His "great army" with which
He shall bring the nations into submission. The weapons of their warfare
are not carnal, natural weapons but they are mighty weapons, mighty
through God to the pulling down of strongholds. These are those who
shall "be strong and do exploits."

But before God can commit this great and tremendous ministry into their
hands they must submit themselves to the discipline of the Lord letting
Him truly be the Lord of their entire lives. We have long since dealt
with the question of open sin but now God is dealing with the inward
rebellion of our own wills.

Some good Christians are not now being so dealt with for they are not in
this Firstfruits Company but nevertheless there is a real dealing of God
going on within those who are called into the High Calling of God. This
is a very real thing and is the work of the Refiner's Fire.

To those who are going through it some of its aspects are horrible but
very necessary and the end result thereof is glorious as we are brought
into absolute and complete submission to the will of our Lord.

It was in a minister's conference and convention in Tulsa, Oklahoma that
God gave me a vision which I want to share with you concerning this
harnessing of our own wills. There were more than 30 ministers present
in this particular Thursday morning service and God, the Father of
spirits, was present to deal with His sons, to correct them and
discipline them to absolute obedience to His will.

There was such a stern dealing in the Spirit that no one could go to the
pulpit and minister, there was a reluctance among the ministers to say
anything except that which was directly ordered by the Spirit.

And as those men of God sat there in the awesome presence of Almighty
God, some of them having many years of ministry, some missionaries, all
of them capable of getting up and preaching a powerful sermon, I was
impressed by the way they responded to the discipline of the Spirit. And
in the midst of this terrific dealing of God with our spirits, the Holy
Ghost gave me a vision ..

I SAW THE KING'S CARRIAGE

On a dirt road in the middle of a wide field stood a beautiful carriage,
something on the order of a stagecoach but all edged in gold and with
beautiful carvings. It was pulled by six large chestnut horses: two in
the lead, two in the middle and two in the rear. But they were not
moving, they were not pulling the carriage, and I wondered why.

Then I saw the driver underneath the carriage on the ground on his back
just behind the last two horses' heels working on something between the
front wheels on the carriage. I thought, "My, he is in a dangerous
place; for if one of those horses kicked or stepped back, they could
kill him, or if they decided to go forward, or got frightened somehow,
they would pull the carriage right over him." But he didn't seem afraid
for he knew that those horses were disciplined and would not move till
he told them to move.

The horses were not stamping their feet nor acting restless, and though
there were bells on their feet, the bells were not tinkling. There were
pom-poms on their harness over their heads but the pom-poms were not
moving. They were simply standing still and quiet waiting for the voice
of the Master.

THERE WERE TWO YOUNG COLTS IN THE FIELD

As I watched the harnessed horses I noticed two young colts coming out
of the open field and they approached the carriage and seemed to say to
the horses: "Come and play with us, we have many fine games, we will
race with you, come catch us." And with that the colts kicked up their
heels flicked their tails and raced across the open field. But when they
looked back and saw the horses were not following they were puzzled.

They knew nothing of the harnesses and could not understand why the
horses did not want to play. So they called to them: "Why do you not
race with us? Are you tired? Are you too weak? Do you not have strength
to run? You are much too solemn, you need more joy in life."

But the horses answered not a word nor did they stamp their feet or toss
their heads. But they stood, quiet and still, waiting for the voice of
the Master.

Again the colts called to them: "Why do you stand so in the hot sun?
Come over here in the shade of this nice tree. See how green the grass
is? You must be hungry, come and feed with us, it is so green and so
good. You look thirsty, come drink of one of our many streams of cool
clear water." But the horses answered them not so much as a glance but
stood still waiting for the command to go forward with the King.

COLTS IN THE MASTER'S CORRAL

And then the scene changed and I saw lariat nooses fall around the necks
of the two colts and they were led off to the Master's corral for
training and discipline. How sad they were as the lovely green fields
disappeared and they were put into the confinement of the corral with
its brown dirt and high fence.

The colts ran from fence to fence seeking freedom but found that they
were confined to this place of training. And then the Trainer began to
work on them with His whip and His bridle. What a death for those who
had been all their lives accustomed to such a freedom! They could not
understand the reason for this torture, this terrible discipline.

What crime had they done to deserve this? Little did they know of the
responsibility that was to be theirs when they had submitted to the
discipline, learned to perfectly obey the Master and finished their
training. All they knew was that this processing was the most horrible
thing they had ever known.

SUBMISSION AND REBELLION

One of the colts rebelled under the training and said, "This is not for
me. I like my freedom, my green hills, my flowing streams of fresh
water. I will not take any more of this confinement, this terrible
training." So he found a way out, jumped the fence and ran happily back
to the meadows of grass. I was astonished that the Master let him go and
went not after him. But He devoted His attention to the remaining colt.

This colt though he had the same opportunity to escape decided to submit
his own will and learn the ways of the Master. The training got harder
than ever but he was rapidly learning more and more how to obey the
slightest wish of the Master and to respond to even the quietness of His
voice. And I saw that had there been no training, no testing, there
would have been neither submission nor rebellion from either of the
colts.

For in the field they did not have the choice to rebel or submit, they
were sinless in their innocence. But when brought to the place of
testing and training and discipline, then was made manifest the
obedience of one and the rebellion of the other. And though it seemed
safer not to come to the place of discipline because of the risk of
being found rebellious, yet I saw that without this there could be no
sharing of His glory, no Sonship.

INTO THE HARNESS

Finally this period of training was over. Was he now rewarded with his
freedom and sent back to the fields? Oh no. But a greater confinement
than ever now took place as a harness dropped about his shoulders. Now
he found there was not even the freedom to run about the small corral
for in the harness he could only move where and when his Master spoke.
And unless the Master spoke he stood still.

The scene changed and I saw the other colt standing on the side of a
hill nibbling at some grass. Then across the fields, down the road came
the King's carriage drawn by six horses. With amazement he saw that in
the lead, on the right side, was his brother colt now made strong and
mature on the good corn in the Master's stable. He saw the lovely
pom-poms shaking in the wind, noticed the glittering gold bordered
harness about his brother, heard the beautiful tinkling of the bells on
his feet -- and envy came into his heart.

Thus he complained to himself: "Why has my brother been so honored, and
I am neglected? They have not put bells on MY feet nor pom-poms on MY
head. The Master has not given ME the wonderful responsibility of
pulling His carriage, has not put about ME the gold harness. Why have
they chosen my brother instead of me?" And by the Spirit the answer came
back to me as I watched: "Because one submitted to the will and
discipline of the Master and one rebelled, thus has one been chosen and
the other set aside."

A FAMINE IN THE LAND

Then I saw a great drought sweep across the countryside and the green
grass became dead, dry, brown and brittle. The little streams of water
dried up, stopped flowing, and there was only a small muddy puddle here
and there.

I saw the little colt (I was amazed that it never seemed to grow or
mature) as he ran here and there across the fields looking for fresh
streams and green pastures finding none. Still he ran, seemingly in
circles, always looking for something to feed his famished spirit.

But there was a famine in the land and the rich green pastures and
flowing streams of yesterday were not to be had. And one day the colt
stood on the hillside on weak and wobbly legs wondering where to go next
to find food and how to get strength to go.

It seemed like there was no use, for good food and flowing streams were
a thing of the past and all the efforts to find more only taxed his
waning strength. Suddenly he saw the King's carriage coming down the
road pulled by six great horses. And he saw his brother, fat and strong,
muscles rippling, sleek and beautiful with much grooming.

His heart was amazed and perplexed, and he cried out: "My brother where
do you find the food to keep you strong and fat in these days of famine?
I have run everywhere in my freedom, searching for food, and I find
none. Where do you in your awful confinement find food in this time of
drought? Tell me, please, for I must know!"

And then the answer came back from a voice filled with victory and
praise: "In my Master's House there is a secret place in the confining
limitations of His stables where He feeds me by His own hand and His
granaries never run empty and His well never runs dry."

And with this the Lord made me to know that in the day when people are
weak and famished in their spirits in the time of spiritual famine that
those who have lost their own wills and have come into the secret place
of the most High into the utter confinement of His perfect will shall
have plenty of the corn of Heaven and a never ending flow of fresh
streams of revelation by His Spirit. Thus the vision ended.

------------------------------
INTERPRETATION OF THE VISION

"Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that
readeth it," (Habakkuk 2:2). "Harness the horses; and get up, ye
horseman," (Jeremiah 46:4).

I am sure that many of you who can hear what the Spirit saith to the
Church have already seen what God was showing in the vision. But let me
make it plain. Being born into the Family of God feeding in the green
pastures and drinking of the many streams of the unfolding revelation of
His purposes is fine and wonderful. But it is not enough.

While we were children, young and undisciplined, limited only by the
outer fence of the Law that ran around the limits of the pastures (that
kept us from getting into the dark pastures of poison weeds) He was
content to watch us develop and grow into young manhood, spiritually
speaking. But the time came to those who fed in His pastures and drank
at His streams, when they were to be brought into discipline or
"child-training" for the purpose of making them mature Sons.

Many of the children today cannot understand why some of those who have
put on the harness of God cannot get excited by the many religious games
and the playful antics of the immature. They wonder why the disciplined
ones run not after every new revelation or feed on every opportunity to
engage in seemingly "good and profitable" religious activities.

They wonder why some will not race with them in their frantic efforts to
build great works and great and notable ministries. They cannot
understand the simple fact that this Company of saints is waiting for
the voice of the Master and they do not hear God in all this outward
activity.

They will move in their time when the Master speaks. But not before,
though many temptations come from the playful colts. And the colts
cannot understand why those who seemingly appear to have great abilities
and strength are not putting it to good use. "Get the carriage on the
road," they say, but the disciplined ones, those in God's harness, know
better than to move before they hear the voice of the Master. They will
move in their time with purpose and great responsibility.

And the Lord made me to know that there were many whom He had brought
into training who had rebelled against the discipline, the chastising of
the Father. They could not be trusted with the great responsibility of
mature Sonship so He let them go back to their freedom, back to their
religious activities and revelations and gifts.

They are still His people, still feeding in His pastures, but He has set
them aside from the great purposes for this end of the age. So they
revel in their freedom feeling that they were the Chosen Ones with the
many streams of living water not knowing that they have been set aside
as unfit for His great work in this end of the age.

He showed me that though the chastising seemeth grievous for the time
and the discipline hard to endure yet the result with all the glory of
Sonship is worth it all and the glory to follow far exceeds the
suffering we endure. And though some lose even their lives in this
training yet they will share alike in the glory of His eternal purposes.


So faint not saints of God for it is the Lord that doth bring thee into
confinement and not thine enemy. It is for thy good and for His glory so
endure all things with praises and thanksgiving that He hath counted
thee worthy to share His glory! Fear thou not the whip in His hand for
it is not to punish thee but to correct and train thee that thou
mightest come into submission to His will and be found in His likeness
in that hour.

Rejoice thou in thy trials in all thy tribulations and glory thou in His
cross and in the confining limitations of His harness for He hath chosen
thee and He hath taken upon Himself the responsibility of keeping thee
strong and well fed.

So lean thou upon Him and trust not in thine own ability and thine own
understanding. So shalt thou be fed and His hand shall be upon thee and
His glory shall overshadow thee and shall flow through thee as it goes
forth to cover the earth. Glory to God! Bless the Lord! He's wonderful!
Let Him be Lord of your life, friends, and complain not at that which He
bringeth to pass in your life.

PLENTY IN THE TIME OF FAMINE

For in the hour when famine sweeps the land He shall feed by His own
hand those who are submitted to His perfect will and who dwell in the
secret place of the Most High. When terror stalks the land those in His
harness shall not be afraid for they shall feel His bit and bridle and
know the guidance of His Spirit. When others are weak and frail and
fearful there shall be those who shall be strong in the power of His
might and shall lack for no good thing.

In the hour when the traditions of the religious systems have proven
false and their streams have dried up, then His Chosen Ones shall speak
forth with the true Word of the Lord. So rejoice, Sons of God, that you
have been chosen by His grace for this great work in this last hour.

The fence which kept the colts in their own meadows and their own
pastures mean nothing to the team in the harness for the gates open to
them and they go forth pulling the King's carriage into many strange and
wonderful places. They do not stop to eat the poison weeds of sin for
they feed only in the Master's stable.

These fields they trample under their feet as they go forth on the
King's business. And so to those who are brought into absolute
subjection to His will there is no Law. For they move in the Grace of
God led only by His Spirit where all things are lawful but not all
things are expedient.

This is a dangerous realm for the undisciplined and many have perished
in sin as they leaped over the fence without His harness and His bridle.
Some have thought of themselves as being completely harnessed and
submissive to Him only to find that in some avenue of their life there
dwelled rebellion and self-will.

Let us wait before Him until He puts His noose around us and draws us to
His place of training. And let us learn of the dealings of God and the
movings of His Spirit until at last we feel His harness drop about us
and hear His voice guiding us. Then there is safety from the traps and
pitfalls of sin and then shall we abide in His House forever!


Posted by: Kristie

Thank you Annointed Warrior, my brother. I read it all. I pray I am almost ready to put on the harness. One thing I can say is I am conformed to His will, as I know that His will is best..and I am just more then ready for what is best, that is for sure. God bless you..and you do amaze me you know, never a complaint, never a prayer request, just a dedication to others. You are a awesome warrior of God.


Posted by: slpdx2

Glad to hear from you. You continue to be in my prayers.

All My Love,
Kris