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Don't know what to say or think anymore......

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Posted by: Forgiven1

***I apologize, this IS pretty LONG! Don't bother reading it if you don't care to, or don't want to take the time! Thanks! I WILL understand if you choose not to.***

My life has seemed SO much like a series of constant failures, heartaches, pain, confusion, and worries everyday. So many times I am overwhelmed and so weary from crying out to the Lord God, and praying, and doing my best thru Him to trust and believe. I try to be 'still' and rest in Him and His promises, and the Enemy uses this time to attack all the more!

I feel like a totally worthless 'puke' anymore (Pardon the crude expression). I would LOVE to send some really wonderfully POSITIVE, uplifting and encouraging postings this way!!!!! The spiritual warfare in my daily life is a BIG and very UGLY one for sure this past year or so and showing no relief in sight!

I do know that our Loving God is SO much more powerful and capable than ANY problems or situations......... So that leads me to wonder daily........

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO THINGS STAY THE SAME AND GET WORSE IN OTHER AREAS IN SPITE OF A 'NEW' OUTLOOK, AND TRYING A BETTER ATTITUDE OF FAITH DAILY? IS THIS 'NORMAL'? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING THAT I HAVE OR HAVEN'T DONE????

I CRY OUT TO GOD IN HUMILITY AND REVERENCE, FOR SPIRITUAL DISCERNMENT AND GUIDANCE, AND STILL I RECEIVE NO ANSWERS, AND NOT MUCH PEACE OR JOY THAT I CAN EVEN DETECT IN THE SLIGHTEST.

The gates of heaven seem to be lead-filled and my knocking and pleading and praying haven't yielded any peace, growth, comfort or any answers as far as I can tell.

I am confused as I ever was concerning my dear estranged wife Sara Lynn and the fact that she has gotten on with her life (supposedly) so well with the O.M. and her friends and I haven't heard one single thing from her in about 11 months now.

The pain is just as great as the day my dearest Sara moved home over 1,000 miles away after only 2 mos. of marriage and no real answers from her or anybody as to "WHY??"

I call out to the Lord for HIS answers, blessings, comfort and for a 'sign' if I should fight for this marriage any longer or not. I pray that He would reveal if it is HIS will for me to 'get on with my life'.

The way that I read in the Bible about God HATING divorce and basically abhorring it, I almost can't see that he would want me to feel that way (giving up), but what ever is HIS WILL, I fully want to accept it!

I can't deny it, although somehow I think that I used to inside. I REALLY wanted to hate Sara, the O.M. and everyone who was involved in the destruction of this fragile new marriage! I feel like I want her to be punished greatly for all that she did to me and what she put my parents through.

Ya know what though? I CANNOT bring myself to feel this way or to hate her in the slightest, even though many times I would LOVE to! I forgive her daily as Christ forgives me!

I pray SO much for her and the others that she calls 'friends', for their salvation and conviction to repent fully to the Lord God and that Sara Lynn would allow the Holy Spirit to open her spiritual eyes and ears once and for all.

Sara was a 'new' follower of Christ for about 1.5 years when we met. I wonder if I may have contributed in some way to her back-sliding and entering in to her 'old' lifestyle again, even though we prayed together a lot out loud, and read in the Holy Bible together and made beautiful plans of serving in Ministry one day together!

I have no clarity or discernment about anything. I really do want to give up on everything and everyone. I pray many times for death in my sleep to overcome me. NO, I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I AM CERTAIN OF THIS! I dread falling asleep, plagued with dreams, I dread waking up perpetually tired, and exhausted to face yet again another day of identical things in SO many ways!

Its so sad that I have NO peace, comfort, happiness, and everyone EXCEPT my dear sweet mother and father (who are experiencing some health problems and financial hardship too!) have pretty much so abandoned me and I have NO contact with anybody.

I am really pretty much so VERY happy, upbeat, positive and very much a 'people person', and I can put on a GREAT game face so nobody knows that I'm hurting. (Except for the small handful of folks that I trust) I'm not being phony when I do this, but I believe that God wants us to put on our best face for Him to help others is what I try my best to do everyday!

The 'old' barcrowd is always available, but I don't want to go that route ever again! Know what I mean?

Former 'friends' that I really trusted in as Christian Brothers and Sisters avoid me like the plague. Co-workers still treat me okay to my face, but then stab me in the back, and stir up trouble and lie behind my back. (That really makes me look forward to going to work everyday, and even trying to think about witnessing).

I guess I'm still pretty darn fortunate to have a job though. I truly am grateful! I don't want to get caught up in complaints!

I DO praise the Lord God for HIS Grace, mercy and blessing daily in spite of everything else! THANK YOU GOD!!!

There have been a few people that I have bumped into who pretty much think that I am crazy for even wanting or believing that Sara and I could or should be brought back together with any hopes. Especially for any hopes of serving the Lord God together for His kingdom.

I honestly believe that all the prayers that have gone up to our Heavenly Father would have softened her heart in some small way, and that I would have had some kind of communication with her by now.

The Enemy has Sara SO full of hatred, bitterness, and resentment towards me, and I will NEVER know really what I did that was so bad, or unforgivable to her. I loved her too much. Is that possible tho?

This is the most that I have typed or had the energy to type in a LONG time. (Again, I'm sorry for this being so long!) This is just an accumulation and a dire need to 'vent'!

The constant loneliness and depression, being rejected and spurned no matter how much I reach out to people in faith and in Christ's Love have pretty much taken its toll on me. Just a small bit of appreciation, satisfaction, or some real inner peace would help so much.

I want to crawl into a hole and just disappear forever. I don't feel like living any more. THIS certainly is NOT living, and the health, and finances, and other situations within my family haven't improved much either. (Not good since I am the 'king of Worry' to begin with! I would pay top dollar to stop being plagued by this. Been that way since I was VERY young.) No excuse, I know that.

I am awaiting upon the Holy Spirit to heal this in me, as ONLY HE can, and to heal Sara Lynn from her past hurts and anger, and our families too!

The GMA (Gospel Music Association) Retreat in The Rockies (music clinic and singing competitions) that I prayed and trained long and hard for (Aug. 1st thru the 7th, 2004) has fallen through completely. Lack of funds, and other situations that never came through for me. My hearing is still at a deficit in the left ear (after a surgical procedure), and my voice isn't 100% either. Other health problems persist as well. I DO trust that it will ALL heal in God's plans.

I see and feel the Enemy laughing once again, at what a JOKE that he tells me daily that I am, and since my marriage failed by his evilness, and deceptions, he is doing his best to show me that music ministry or anything else, he is going to attack me all the more, and break me down.

Nothing is pleasurable, enjoyable or adds any 'fire' or fight/excitement in my life. Everything's a constant drain and all I want to do is sleep. The medications for my blood pressure add to that I am certain. I am nauseous so much of the time am my head has throbbed for over a month. NOTHING helps it at all. I trust and pray that it won't be anything serious in nature.

I do my best to put on a face and spirit of 'happiness' and genuine love for others everyday, and go out of my way to help the hurting, and troubled, and I do my best with the power and love of Christ Jesus to put a smile in the hearts and on the faces of people that I see or meet for the very first time. I wish that feeling would remain inside of me as I do try to 'give it away' and share it, in the name of the Lord Jesus daily. It seems to fade from me so quickly and even tho I claim God's promises the darkness and depression enter in once again after a day or so.

Did you ever seem to have such a dark and painful period in your life that never seemed to improve no matter how much you relied upon and trusted in the Lord God to bless you and provide for you???? Have you ever felt like it even hurt just to take in a breath, or simply move a body part???? I'm sure many of you have.

This is SO UNREAL! This ' Winter Season' of my life is approaching 14 months. (More months than that in other ways!) I honestly have fought the 'good fight' through Jesus Christ, and would have a hard time believing that things would not have improved much by now if someone would have told me this.

Thank you to those of you who are always praying and caring for me and for the others the way that you do. God WILL bless you greatly I have NO doubt. I am SO ashamed. I feel as though I am purely rambling and complaining and 'dumping'. I guess I have gotten really good at this. Sometimes I really just need to 'vent'. Thanks for allowing me to do so.

NOTE: Thank you in advance for refraining from emailing me just to criticize or condemn me, or lecture me. I have gotten far too much of it all my life and I don't need it. I am extremely humble, and have a low self esteem already!

Take care and God Bless you and your family and friends this very day! In Christ Jesus, I humbly thank those of you who care for me and pray for our families and these situations!

I BELIEVE that God WILL restore and reveal great and mighty things to me for HIS honor and glory and to share in my testimony of HIS Greatness and faithfulness to others.

Respectfully,

Your Brother in Christ Jesus

--Brian L.

P.S. I WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT BACK TO THE MESSAGE BOARDS TO READ YOUR POSTS AT ALL!!!! IF YOU HAVE WORDS OF KINDNESS, ENCOURAGEMENT OR PRAYERS THAT YOU WOULD CARE TO SHARE, PLEASE EMAIL ME IF YOU GET A MINUTE! THANKS.

creative at actcom.net


Posted by: ninababy73

Brian, I will be praying for you, your marriage,yours and your parents health. May you feel a swift move of the Spirit in your life. God Bless you.