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Lonely, I cry alone

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Posted by: DespondentSoul

Teardrops are falling from my lonely eyes.

Please pray for me, friends. My predicament is somewhat difficult to explain, but I will try, in any event.

I am finally getting it right, for once. I am seeking perfection. I am finally doing the things that a Christian should. And yet, my life is swarming with pain- in particular, mental pain, and spiritual agony.

I have a desire for a nice car, and also, to have some degree of financial wealth and prosperity. But it seems like it is always out of reach. No matter what happens, good fortune seldom seems to come my direction.

Because of past heartaches with cars, I now have specific goals that I wish to attain, and they are far fetched. I am not even employed right now. I am on disability for OCD. But, I honestly do wish to work. I am seeing a new doctor, and I may be able to return to the work force soon.

I have very extreme depression, and anger. Any of you whom are familiar with Bipolar disorder may know about the extreme poles of mood swings...well, my depression isn't bipolar, but it is similar to it, in that I have extreme low valleys of sorrow, and high peaks of almost manic happiness that lasts only short periods of time. But the periods, the intervals of sadness, have become oppressive. I walk through Death Valley when I feel that familiar sting of despondency. I cling so desperately for dear life, even though my soul is so hurt that it wants to exit my body.

I know that it is all in God's timing, and that is not negotiable. But sometimes, do you not feel helpless? I mean, I have no illusions. I am not a god. I am not even a prince. I am just a small man in the forest. I am scared like a lost, little animal.

You know, I should be appreciative of all the blessings the good Lord has bestowed upon me. In my own way, I am. I had a very healthy and happy childhood- but wasn't it Paul who wrote that he became a man one day, and had to shelve childish things? The same applies to me. I still feel like a little boy, because time has warped by so rapidly. I am going to be 30 years of age in January, but now I must be a man. I must take responsibility for my own life.

There is such a divide between my dreams from when I was young and the current, bleak realities of my life, that I despair. I always thought I would become someone of consequence. I always dreamt I would become a prince. But it never came. I have failed my life. In a short time, I will grow old, and my life will be over and gone. I will go to my grave a sad, lonely soul- and questions unanswered will remain- alone they shall mourn a fragile mind.

Please pray for me friends. I love you all. God bless you.


Yours truly,

Blade


Posted by: MASZOO

Blade, my heart goes out to you. I have been and will continue to be praying for you. Just keep in mind that there are many people out there who go through what you are going through now. I have gone through the loneliness thing also. And 30 is not old, you are beginning the prime of your life. There is plenty of time to get a nice car and whatever else you desire. Hang in there.

Don't forget,
I'm praying for you!