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Lost
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Posted by: deblost
Reading through the prayer for restoration of marriage and the other posts relating to it brought a new perspective to my situation. My husband wants to leave me after 18 years of marriage. Yes, there has been termoil - yes, he has cheated on me. Yes, he has put myself and my children through emotional and physical abuse. But god help me, I still love him. I guess this is god speaking to my heart, for other people in my family think I should let him go after all the pain he has caused myself and children. My husband does have alot of issues - he just keeps saying he can't change. I have been praying day in and out that even just a little something will change in his heart, but he just keeps saying he doesn't love me and wants out. I have actually tried many times to harden my heart to keep my sanity - but I just come right back to all these feelings that I have. I am sure this is God speaking to me - but why does he not speak to my husband? Do I continue praying and have faith? What if he does walk out that door and I am not prepared (i.e., having a job - I am basically an at home mom now) and then not able to support my children? I am so, so lost in all of this. I know God abhores divorce - will he hate me if I try everything - praying, couseling, etc.- and he still walks away and files for divorce? Even if I constest it, I am sure at some point the divorce would go through. I have always been a Christian, and thought he was one too - I hope he still is- (I hope this is a grip satan has on him right now - I felt a bad force walk in about 4 months ago and it scared me. Then, he asks for a divorce-) and that God can cleanse him - make him see that our family belongs together for eternity. It just seems that all the signs I have seen are not pointing that way, no matter how much I pray and have faith in God. Is there ever a time where maybe someone has married, their spouse has abused them so - so much that God decides that the spouse needs rescuing from this abuse - that maybe if the abusing spouse will not change, that God decides it is time for the abused spouse to find someone who will be kind, gentle, and a true Christian? If anyone has any thoughts, please let me know. Thank you for this forum, for the prayer that is posted by Kristie - God Bless
Posted by: JeriRose12
It's time to let him go. The Bible plainly says:
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (I Corinthians 7:15)
There is no reason to say he is still a Christian; his actions show otherwise. "Christian" means "follower" of Christ, and he is definitely not following Christ if you examine his behavior. A good tree does not bear bad fruit.... So, in order for you and the kids to live in peace, it is time to let him go.
You are responsible to God for those children's lives. If they are being phsically abused, you must get them to saftey! Rather than asking if you should stay, you need to get the children away from this man any way possible. Our Heavenly Father would not want those children (or you) treated with violence. Jesus said if anyone offended one of these little ones it would be better for him to have a millstone hung around his neck and to be thrown into the sea. Your husband has broken his marriage vow and has neglected his children. You do not have to stay. The Bible says it's OK to divorce in your case:
32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:32)
I am not in favor of divorce. God said He hates it. But what He really hates is the hardness of heart that sets into a person who then wants to get divorced. But He did say that divorce was permitted becasue of the hardness of heart:
4They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
5"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. (Mark 10:4 & 5)
10 Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another?
11 Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. 12 As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD cut him off from the tents of Jacob [d] —even though he brings offerings to the LORD Almighty.
13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. [e] So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself [f] with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
(Malachi 2: 10 - 16)
So do you see how it starts? BREAKING FAITH. Which your husband has done. You have done all you could -- and more than you are required to Biblically. So, rather than feel guilty, let him bear the guilt. You have every right to get out of there. In fact, because of the hardeness of heart, it seems divorce is the honorable thing for him to do. Set you free, so you are not bound to the marriage vows you made.
You said you were seeing a different perspective in here. I don't know if you meant that you should stand for the marriage and stay there or what.... but here is the BIBLE perspective. Many do not get this correct. They think the marriage is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. No, GOD is the most important thing. You have to love God more than your mate. God ALWAYS comes first. Many, get this mixed up, and they will want to save the marriage at ANY cost, even the cost of their soul or their children's souls. Your relationship with God MUST be protected. What good does it do you to gain the whole world -- your marriage -- and lose your soul? It would be better to let him go and live in peace, as 1 Corinthians 7:15 says.
My Sister is going through divorce right now, and she still loves him. But he was violent with one of the children and other behavior that could not be tolerated. I know, from first hand knowledge, that it isn't easy. She is going to counseling, and that is helping her a lot. The counselor explained to her that she had to "get her triangle straight." She had put her mate up in God's place. She let him control her rather than letting God control her. She constantly tried to "fix" the marriage. She did everything she could to make him happy. His happiness has to be his OWN repsonsibility. Basically, she was trying to be God to him. Only God can satisfy your mate. No matter how hard she tried, she could not please him. She was co-dependant to an extreme degree. I'm sure you are, too. Well, it's time to get free of this man and begin healing. It was only in the last couple years that my brother-in-law (I fully believe God is going to bring him back to his wife and childre AFTER he is delivered) got really strange. But she dealt with his control from the beginning, and she got very good at walking on egg shells to keep him happy. BAD IDEA! Anyway.... She is beginning to heal from the years of verbal and emotional abuse. You need to do the same. You need to become WHOLE (as does your husband) so you can have the chance at a happy marriage. Two halves do not make a whole (marriage). It takes two WHOLE people to make a marriage.
My prayers are with you that you can release him. It may be the only way he will ever come to an end of himself and get right with God. If he is having affairs, yet you let him come back, he has no incentive to change. Don't enable him anymore. Set standards and boundries for your home, and when he breaks them, tell him he has to leave.
~JeriRose~
Finding YOU in 2006 
Posted by: kcpickles
Dear Lost,
I have some real concerns that some people may be telling you the wrong thing. I too am in turmoil in my marriage and I personally am in counseling, my husband is not. I know that the hurt can be and is overwellming. Please, Please be carful of who you listen to. God hates divorce and in your case it would be possible for you to make that decision, but if you forgive him then it is a different story. It sounds like you still love him and only God knows if he is a christian. That is truely not your concern. You can only control what you say and do and according to God you are to love and honor him. Bless him when ever you get a chance. If you felt something bad came into you house then give that to God COMPLETELY and don't take it back. God is more powerful that you and I and even your husbands will. Pray that Gods will will be done here in your marriage what ever that may be. Remember God is will is always for your marriage to be completely whole. It truely only take one to start to make the difference but you need to stay commited and hand it over to God and get out of the way for him to do his work. Sometimes it may take going as far as divorce but it is not over until God says so.
As for your and your children's safty, only you can make the decision of what to do. You know what is going on. I pray that things won't escilate to a point of something happining.
My prayer for you and your family.
Oh Father God, I pray that your hand is in this marriage and that you guard them from anything that may come from the dark side. You are a God of miracles and you want us out of the way. I pray for your will for this marriage and for this man to be brought to his knees befor you. Give him back the all the love and more that he had for his prescious wife and family and restore them completely. What ever it takes. I pray that you give Lost the strength and courage for her to walk out what you are trying to teach her and let her be a great example to her children of what trusting you is all about. You promise never to give us more than we can handle and I believe that. Father I pray that she will feel you loving arms aroud her at all times, especially when things are hard. Don't let satan take this marriage. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Please if you have any questions you can always email me * kcpickle**hotmail.com
I have been through more things than anyone can imagin and would love to share how God has gotten me through. Remember that when God allows things in our life, he is usually trying to teach us something or we will be using it for his glory. Never stop praying and know that even when we can't see what God is doing, it doesn't mean that he isn't working.
God Bless you
Your sister in Christ
kc
Posted by: deblost
To the two that have replied, thank you so much for your support and prayers. To clarify something, the physical abuse is not something that has happened on a consistent basis and to my knowledge hasn't happened in a long time - and happens when he loses control of his temper. Most of this abuse has happened when I wasn't home. My oldest was afraid to tell me, and confided in my mom instead. I think she was afraid that if I confronted my husband that I would suffer the abuse as well. If I had seen the abuse first hand, I would have left. But, finding out years later from when - after he had already stripped my self worth from me through severe emotional abuse- it was hard to pick up and leave - he swore he would get professional help - but he never did. I will be taking into consideration everything you both have said - and am still praying to God that he let me know what his "will" is - so that I do the right thing by God. I feel it is about what God wants for me, for my husband, and for our children. What happens here will affect them and their lives too. Wow, I didn't think 2006 would start out so miserably - but I do know that God is trying to teach me something through all of this - I am trying to pay close attention to even little things - I do know I need to and have now been communicating with my husband way more effectively - I am not afraid of him anymore - I have lived on eggshells everyday of this 18 year marriage. Never knew which side of my husband would come home each day- it was scarry. I do hope that if God intends for this marriage to last, that he brought us to this valley with good intentions - to lift us up together from it with a renewed love, a greater appreciation of each other, and a closer relationship with him. Also, a stronger family (even though I have always thought we were a good family) - If his will is for me to be with someone else because he knows my husband will not treat me better in the future, then I hope he will reveal that to me at sometime. It is hard to be in limbo - I know I can pray and that does help and I do have faith, but emotionally it is VERY draining and some days hard to get up and start the day. I do plan on going to counseling - my husband is willing to go because it is the "right" thing to do but has admitted he is not "eager" to go - do I hold on to that and thank God he is willing to go - or am I wasting my time, getting my hopes up to be most likely let down again and go through all I am going through again? I am not sure I could handle that. I do pray that God will help me with that decision and point me to the right answer. I do know, though, that I do need to go myself. Thank you again and anymore advice is much appreciated. 
Posted by: kcpickles
Dear Deblost, always remember that God is in control. Even in your husbands decision to try counceling. Only God knows the outcome and trust in him. Don't worry about what might happen as you can't control any of that. TRUST GOD, TRUST GOD, TRUST GOD. I sent you an email. Please contact me if you need to. My phone is on 24/7. I will be there for you.
Your sister in Christ
kathleen