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Pastor Jerry - Please help me with this question
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Posted by: Writer4Hirer
Pastor Jerry:
I have been asked this question and thougth I would pass it along to you in the wife's own wording. I know this lady is a Christian & has lived up to her married vows. This situation has been quite upsetting. She feels that the government promotes divorce, instead of encourages marriages to stay together. Can you advise me how to answer her?
She write:
I left my husband over a year ago due to his emotional & verbal abuse as well as his physical threats of bodily harm (placing his hands to my throat and threatening to kill me, pulling back his arm and fist threatening to hit me and much more...). I lived in fear, his temper was very volital and just saying "what a beautiful day is is" could set him off into an unpredicable rage where he would physcially shake all over his body, do deep knee bends, twists and turns during his anger and scream at me. This went on for 11 years beginning the day after we were married. After much prayer, I felt that God had released me from my husband -- not from my marriage.
About 8 months after I left him, he was diagnoised with Aggressive MS, which has been aggressing quickly. He had been told that he might have it prior to our marriage, which I found out about after the marriage, however, he showed no signs of it and due to his extremely negative personality (which didn't show up until after the marriage), I just thought it was that coming out in him.
Now he is at the point where he needs to apply for disability, however, because we are still married, they want to take my income into account along with his current income. If they do that, he won't qualify. If he waits until he can no longer work, they will still consider my income, yet he will have no means of support by then.
I do not want to go back to him, because he has done nothing to help his anger management, negativism or emotional problems by seeking counseling or any other means of improvement. Basically, I am afraid of the man, yet I still love him.
Today he was telling me that if he were to be able to get disability we would need to get a divorce. I am quite sad over this prospect, however, I want to do what is best for him at this juncture.
What are your opinions on divorce in this situation. Or should I reconsider going back to him?
Thank you.
Writer4Hirer
Posted by: akabezalel
Tell her to look into Legal Separation. That is not divorce but their finances would be separate. She can talk to a lawyer for free or real cheap if she goes through the lawyer help line... she will need to look in her local phone book for the number... Just living apart is not enough, she needs to be separated by the state... in other words she needs a piece of paper.
Posted by: Rachel R
If I understand you correctly, he knew that this disease was a possibility before he married you.
Is it possible that the fear, the helplessness, the hopelessness and the fear of the loss of control of his life could explain the gigantic anger issues?
I am NOT excusing him, I am just wondering if the two are related.
My Dad had a dangerous temper and I used to wonder if getting that angry didn't damage your body. (He was angry, but not at me...)
Of course, that doesn't speak to your problem.
I do know that in many states you can get complete financial separation without divorce. My daughter got one as soon as she could when she discovered divorce was inevitable so that he couldn't spend his way through her money while they worked through the divorce.
The good news might be that the MS people, and they are an extensive organization, may be able to help with some information on applying for disability.
Might be worth checking on.
I am so glad you left. That was such a good decision.
I am also glad you survived to leave. You took a lot of chances for a long time with a person completely out of his own control.
Please, under no circumstances, consider returning to this situation.
Your life and his are at stake. If he kills you, he will go to prison, MS or no MS.
Divorce is a huge decision, but you may have to make that decision to qualify him for help.
What an incredible experience you are living through.
My daughter works with a Women's Shelter Program, and it is sad to say that rescuing women and children from violence and abuse is truly a growth industry.
Lord, thank you for preserving her life.
I pray that her husband will be saved, healed and delivered.
Rescue them and let freedom flow through this situation.
Please help her know just what to do.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Posted by: Writer4Hirer
I think that his anger issues stem from being beaten from head to toe by his Father when he was growing up. So severly that he had bruises over most of his body frequently. His Dad had no reason and in the past few years apologized for his treatment to him, however, that only helped a bit.
In addition, he was in Viet Nam and was put on the "could be eliminated" team -- do to the fact that he had a choice, 10 years in jail or 4 in the Army -- he chose the 4. From what I understand, they trained him to do things that are unspeakable. Then when he got out, those like him were all put together on a base well apart from the rest of the military. They were given all they wanted to drink and eat and were seen once a week by a counselor -- after a month or so, they were set loose in society.
My understanding is that as a child growing up, he was always negative and angry. I do believe that the anger has triggered the MS to increase and that when he was left by his wife, that added stress caused the MS to fully act out. However, he had choices and to this day has chose to not take them, i.e. go to counseling & stop drinking.
Prayer is needed badly for him and for the wife, as it hurts her deeply to see him go through this and to think they may need to get a divorce. I know she will still consider herself married, regardless, unless the day comes when either he is physically unfaithful, which is doubtful with is condition or God chooses to take him away.
I really believe he has a lot of satonic demons in him and really needs God instead. He believes in God and follows him in his way, but is not sold out to him. I would not say he is a Christian even as he doesn't have that belief system.
Posted by: Jamvan01
Dear Jesus i pray that you give this person the wisdom and courage to make the decision that is right for them. I won't give an opinion since i have never been in that type of situation before. I was living with an older brother who kept threating to beat me up. He came close one night throwing fists at me but didn't hit me. He had his chance. I am now 100 miles away from him and have never regretted the choice to move. Anyways its not about me lord. Please help this person with enough courage and wisdom to do what's right for them in their particular situation. In Jesus name Amen.
Posted by: sonrise
MS does have a spiritual root and the root is self-hatred and self-rejection. Depending in the severity of the hatred and rejection and will influence the severity of the MS. I was diagnosed with MS three years ago and have tackled the issues. I have been excerbation free for three years. I took God's truths and applied them to every area of my life.
Your husband slso walks in bitterness. Bitterness is a principality; under it and answering to it are seven spirits that reinforce that bitterness:
1. unforgiveness
2. resentment
3. retaliation
4. anger
5. hatred
6. violence
7. murder (physical, with the tongue, or verbal abuse)
Given your husbands's history it would have been very dangerous for you to continue living with him and you did the right thing in removing yourself from the situation. You also need to protect yourself legally which a legal separation will do. A divorce will be something that you will have to decide for yourself with the Holy Spirit guiding you.
Hopefully this information will give specific areas for you to pray for your husband. blessings!!! sonrise
Posted by: Writer4Hirer
Regarding the question of the husband with MS and his separated wife. Thank everyone for their prayer and Godly wisdom. I will pass it along.