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Ya know any good christian jokes?

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Posted by: cgirl

I need to laugh sometimes. How about u?

And Jesus said, “Who do you say that I am?”

And they answered: “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma in which we found the ultimate meaning of our interpersonal relationship.”

And Jesus said, “What?!”


Posted by: MASZOO

I liked that one

If you go to the home page of this site there is a link or whatever called "cartoons", there are several very funny jokes there.


Posted by: cgirl

A christian school teacher had injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

He was transfered to a public school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, all the kids were watching him knowing he was a christian, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with grading papers.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap constantly, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that school year.


Posted by: cgirl

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five double-spaced and written in a large font in bold letters.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and looked like freshmen.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning-cold.

New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to
abuse * romans.gov.


Posted by: cgirl

Adam and Eve: "Almost Paradise"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Samson: "Hair"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
The Three Wise Men: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"


Posted by: manda

cgirl - that song list joke is very funny. it cracks me up. here's another one. no offense ladies - just kidding.


After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
and Abel.

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked,
"What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home.


Posted by: cgirl

lol that was funny manda, here's another
***************************************
A little girl blew the dust off and opened the big and old family Bible with fascination. She looked at the old pages as he turned them. All of a sudden, something fell out of the Bible, and she picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages of the old Bible.

"Momma, look what I found," the little girl called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" her mother asked.

With astonishment in the little girl's voice, she answered:
"I think it's Adam's suit!"


Posted by: JG

[B][COLOR=navy][SIZE=3]Have any of you been to my joke page on this site.

If you are on a modem it will take a loooooooonnnng long time to load but it is worth it

Menu left side
In the news
cartoons


Please let me know what you think.

By the way anyone can post there.

submit-news
topic laughing is fun

fill in the rest..


Jerry




Posted by: talena

LOL....I LOVE THE CAT PICTURE!

How long did Cain hate his brother?
>As long as he was Abel.

This is a riddle:
What is greater than Jesus, more evil that Satan, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you will die??

(When asked this question only 17% of Stanford University seniors knew the answer. Yet, 80% of Kindergarten children had the answer right away.)


You have to guess...I will tell the answer later.


Posted by: cgirl

LOL * Talena. I know the riddle, I heard it in church the other day, so I won't give it away
************************************************** ****
A preacher and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait a minute, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people fell asleep. When the taxi driver drove, people prayed.'


Posted by: manda

"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,"
announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting.

But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"


Posted by: cgirl

lol * manda
***************************
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy blow, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air
then opened its mouth to swallow him. As the man started falling, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as
the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down
from the clouds.

"Whoa, hold up man. I thought you didn't believe in Me?"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two
minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Then the Atheist continues, "God, please help and let the Loch Ness
Monster become religious."

God replies, "Alright, alright, So be it."

The scene starts up again, atheist falling.

The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food you have so graciously provided."


Posted by: manda

all i can say is... Hahahaha - you are cruel! just kidding. stay cool, c-girl! : )


Posted by: cgirl

You have just received the "Christian Computer Virus."

Because we are Christians, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.


Posted by: cgirl

During Sunday School Johnny learned how God created everything, including human beings, and they explained in class how God made Eve from Adam's rib.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Poor thing, Johnny what is the matter, are you sick dear?"

Little Johnny groaned and replied, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


Posted by: manda

here's another one:


Jamie asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Jamie said.

"But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

--------------------------------------


Posted by: Dreamweaver

This isn't really a joke but I think it's a cute true story:

One day last month I was driving my nine year old grandson to school. I was broke and he was wanting to order a book from the book fair, it was the last day. The book was five dollars, it really broke my heart to tell him that I just didn't have any money. As I drove on to work I prayed to God and asked him to somehow let me come up with some money by the end of the day to get that book for that precious little boy. After work he walked to my business and came running in excited. He said, "Mimes (which is what he calls me), There was a drawing and I won. It was for five dollars toward any book that I wanted, so I got my book." I said, "Well, thank you Lord. See, Julian prayer really does work." He looked at me very curiously and said, "Well, I wasn't praying Mimes, I just had my fingers crossed!" When I stopped laughing I told him "Well, that's okay because I was praying for you."


Posted by: cgirl

That's so cute Dreamweaver. I remember when my kids were toddlers...

My son saw the moon in the middle of the day, and he told me, "Look the moon is lying, it's not night time!"

And when my daughter had a tummy ache and she said, "Mom, I have a stomach egg (ache), I ate too much groceries."

And the different ways they said love you when they first started talking. My daughter would say "lub you", and my son said, "la loo".

My daughter 12, doesn't want to marry when she gets older. She wants to be a teacher or singer. But my son 9, wants to marry after he finishes college to be a scientist or bulldozer driver. He said he will go away for college and come back home to find a wife. And he will have 4 kids he says, two boys and two girls. Kids...they always make me laugh


Posted by: cgirl

Top 10 signs you aren't reading your Bible enough:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."


Posted by: cgirl

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!


Posted by: jayrock

ok, ok....here's one my pastor told when I was little...and it goes something like this.

The preacher was looking to buy a mule from a local farmer. The farmer told him, "yep, he's a good old mule and obeys every command. If you want him to go just say 'Praise the Lord'. To get him to stop, say "AMEN'". Well that seemed simple enough.... So the preacher got on the old mule and started..."Praise the Lord"...the old mule got a life of it's own...and started trotting...."Praise the Lord!" the preacher exclaimed and the mule began a galloping. "Praise the Lord!!" the preacher shouted....and the mule was going at a terrific pace...right toward a cliff... The preacher....noticing the dilemma....fumbled for a second...then screamed "AMEN!" The old mule came to a dead stop...just inches from the edge of the cliff...

The preacher exclaimed, "PRAISE THE LORD!"


Posted by: cgirl

LOL jayrock, I haven't seen that one.

There is a teenage Bible now. It was funny to see the lingo in that one. Like when Moses said to Pharoh before they left Egypt: Like, we so out of here man.


Posted by: cgirl

In a recent Round table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.

The Pentecostal Preacher spoke first and said "At conception, of course!".

The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth".

The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".

They had to nudge the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the cat they left behind dies!".


Posted by: cgirl

A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end
"Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail, Amen".


Posted by: cgirl

Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
We Need To Talk - God
Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
Don’t make me come down there - God
Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
Follow Me. - God
Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
My Way Is The Highway. - God
Need Directions? - God
You Think It's Hot Here? - God
Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! – God


Posted by: teachandsing2002@aol.com

Quote:
Originally Posted by cgirl
You have just received the "Christian Computer Virus."

Because we are Christians, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

[COLOR=red][FONT=arial][SIZE=5]

That is hilarious. I have never heard it before. I am going to share it with all my friends.


Posted by: cgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by teachandsing2002****.com
[COLOR=red][FONT=arial][SIZE=5]

That is hilarious. I have never heard it before. I am going to share it with all my friends.


There's mo where that came from...

Lost chapter in Genesis:
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling blue, so God asked him,
"Hey Adam, what is wrong with ya?"
Adam sighed and said "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This woman will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will clean and always agree with every decision you make. When you ask what's bothering her, she will never say "nothing!". She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. And she will never ask you to take out the trash nor will she ever want to change you.

Adam said, "Wow! What will a woman like that cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.


Posted by: cgirl

A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men drove by. One of them looked to the other and said: "Now that's what I call faith!"


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Quote:
Originally Posted by cgirl
A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men drove by. One of them looked to the other and said: "Now that's what I call faith!"

haha that's funny


Posted by: cgirl

I gotta million of 'em

Speeder's Hymns

45 mph...........................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph...........................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph...........................Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph...........................Nearer, Still Nearer
85 mph...........................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph...........................Lord, I'm Coming Home
over 100mph...................Precious Memories


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Quote:
Originally Posted by cgirl
I gotta million of 'em

Speeder's Hymns

45 mph...........................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph...........................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph...........................Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph...........................Nearer, Still Nearer
85 mph...........................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph...........................Lord, I'm Coming Home
over 100mph...................Precious Memories

where do you get all these all I can find is pics to try and make someone laugh are you making them up more more please need laughter right now the Joy of the Lord is my strength


Posted by: cgirl

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.


Posted by: cgirl

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds. (Eek, don't show this to Freddie)


Posted by: cgirl

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

WARNING: To prevent buring, you need exposure to the Son.

Be fishers of men. You catch them, He'll clean them.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.


Posted by: cgirl

Christian Pick-up Lines

"Nice bible"
"I would like to pray with you"
"You know Jesus? Me too!"
"God told me to come talk to you"
"I know a church where we could go and talk"
"How about a hug, sister/brother?"
"Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."
"Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"
"Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"
"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
"What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"
"I am here for you."
"The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," So...hows about dinner?"
"You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."
"You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"
"Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"
"Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?"
"Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"
"Do you believe in Divine appointment?"
"Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"
"Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."
"My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."
"Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."
"What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."
"You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian."


Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

those are all great haha amen


Posted by: woofytoyou

Quote:
Originally Posted by ANOINTED WARRIOR
those are all great haha amen

Duck Joke

Three women died tragically in an automobile accident. They were
Christians though and all landed at the Pearly gates. St.Paul greeted them and told them they cannot and should not step on any ducks
or they will be very sorry.
The first lady didn't make it, and stepped on a duck. St. Paul came
right away and chained a very very ugly man to her ankle. He said,
that is what you have there for eternity. The second woman seeing this, determined not to step on any ducks. She lasted awhile, then
she stepped on one. St. Paul zoomed down right away as he never
missed a thing, and chained a very ugly man too, to her ankle for eternity as well.

The third woman made it WITHOUT stepping on any ducks for 3 solid
months. Then St. Paul came by and chained a very handsome
looking man at her ankle , and she said, what did I do to deserve
this? And the very handsome man said, I don't know what you did,
but I stepped on a duck.
Woofy
time to laugh.........


Posted by: czynka

LOVE IT < LOVE IT < LOVE IT.....

Specially the one about the ribs !!!! LOL !!!!!


Posted by: cgirl

I know, they're silly. There's a lot of single folks here, and I thought this would help them talk to the dude or dudette they're interested in. lol


Posted by: cgirl

Speaking of ribs...

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


Posted by: cgirl

Recently the Pope decided that he could save some expenses at the
Vatican by learning how to drive himself. That way they would not
need to pay for a driver everywhere he went.

The following month, there were two motorcycle police in Washington
D.C. who were on traffic patrol when they saw a white limousine
blasting down the expressway.

The younger wanted to catch the speeder, but the older one said,
"Forget it. It's probably some big shot politician who will just
get the ticket fixed."

Not to be discouraged, the younger gave chase. He returned a short
time later, rather more quiet then when he had left.

"Well, did you write the citation?" asked the other officer.

"No."

Was he some big shot, like I told you?"

"Yeah. I think he was."

"I'll bet he was some Senator or something. Right?"

"I, uh, don't think so. I think he was bigger than that."

"You telling me that was the Vice President?"

"No, I, uh, he was bigger than that."

"Don't tell me you stopped the President!"

"No. I think he was a lot bigger than that!"

"Just who do you think is bigger than the President?"

"Well," replied the younger, "I couldn't see who was
in the back seat, but he had the Pope driving for him!"


Posted by: cgirl

Following a sermon on lifestyle evangelism, the wife in one family thought they had better do something to witness to their neighbors. So she invited their less well-to-do next-door neighbours to dinner the following weekend.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home. So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say." There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, "just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, do we have to have those people over here for to dinner tonight?"


Posted by: cgirl

An atheist complained to a Christian co-worker, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; . Every religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's an unfair discrimination!"

"What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied, "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years man."

"I don't know what you're talking about..." the atheist said, "So when is this special day honoring atheists?"

His friend replied, "April 1st."


Posted by: czynka

LOL !!!!!

LOVE your jokes CGirl.....keep 'em coming !!!


Posted by: cadbetts

What did Noah say after the last animal loaded onto the ark?
"Now I've herd everything!"


Posted by: cadbetts

O.K. this is a long one but it's worth it. It's called...

FROM SECRET FAULTS

Lin was a young 12 year old asian boy who just met Christ. His family was very poor so he had to worked as a servant for a gentleman who had two teenaged sons. Lin's duties included kitchen work and making the soup everyday.

The son's were very unkind to Lin, one day they balanced a bucket of water over the door. As Lin walked through...Ohhhhh water all over his head. But Lin tried to remember that he was a Christian now.
--He didn't say a word-he just did his work and made the soup.
Another time the sons nailed Lin's shoes to the floor. When Lin went to slip his shoes on...Ohhhh he landed right on his face. But Lin tried to remember that he was a Christian now.
--He didn't say a word-he just did his work and made the soup.
Finally the sons were so amazed and convicted by Lin's behavior they cried out, "Oh Lin, please forgive us for the way we've treated you. We have been so unkind but like a true Christian you've never repaid us for our evil ways." Lin spoke with broken english but in great relief, "No more nail shoes to floor?" "No Lin," said the sons, ashamed for their actions. Lin said, "No more water on head?" "No Lin," said the sons.
Lin said, "O.K. then no more spit in soup." :-\

Psalm 19:12 "...cleanse thou me from secret faults"


Posted by: cgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by cadbetts
What did Noah say after the last animal loaded onto the ark?
"Now I've herd everything!"














.


Posted by: cgirl

lol







Posted by: ANOINTED WARRIOR

Quote:
Originally Posted by cadbetts
O.K. this is a long one but it's worth it. It's called...

FROM SECRET FAULTS

Lin was a young 12 year old asian boy who just met Christ. His family was very poor so he had to worked as a servant for a gentleman who had two teenaged sons. Lin's duties included kitchen work and making the soup everyday.

The son's were very unkind to Lin, one day they balanced a bucket of water over the door. As Lin walked through...Ohhhhh water all over his head. But Lin tried to remember that he was a Christian now.
--He didn't say a word-he just did his work and made the soup.
Another time the sons nailed Lin's shoes to the floor. When Lin went to slip his shoes on...Ohhhh he landed right on his face. But Lin tried to remember that he was a Christian now.
--He didn't say a word-he just did his work and made the soup.
Finally the sons were so amazed and convicted by Lin's behavior they cried out, "Oh Lin, please forgive us for the way we've treated you. We have been so unkind but like a true Christian you've never repaid us for our evil ways." Lin spoke with broken english but in great relief, "No more nail shoes to floor?" "No Lin," said the sons, ashamed for their actions. Lin said, "No more water on head?" "No Lin," said the sons.
Lin said, "O.K. then no more spit in soup." :-\

Psalm 19:12 "...cleanse thou me from secret faults"


This is funny to God be the glory for the Joy of the Lord...


Posted by: cgirl

I thought this photo was funny...



http://community.webshots.com/photo.../74413206rObHAw


Posted by: faith rising

My Grandmother sent this to me. These are children's questions for God:

Dear God:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.


Posted by: cadbetts

Those are adorable Faith


Posted by: faith rising

One day a very respected scientist spoke to the Lord and said:

"God, thanks for everything you did, you know the ark, parting the water, all of the miracles. Well they were pretty cool, but we don't need your help anymore. We now have cures for certain kinds of cancer, we can go to outer space, we have robots doing human's jobs, and now we can clone animals and humans, so thanks for your help, but you can go now. We have it under control now.

God responded with OK son, I have a challenge for you, and if you can do what I am challenging, I will leave you alone and let you run the show.

What is the challenge God?

I want you to make a human being out of dirt.

Sir, the scientist responded, I accept that challenge! He then bent down and picked up a hand full of dirt.

God said, No son, get your own dirt!


Posted by: faith rising

Here is another joke my old pastor told me:

There were three women who all died and went to Heaven on the same day. Once they got there, St. Peter met them at the gate and said "Welcome ladies!" While you are here, you can do whatever you want, but there is one condition."
"What is that the women asked?"
"Under no circumstances are you to step on any ducks."
Well there were ducks everywhere! The first week the first woman stepped on a duck. St. Peter showed up with one of the ugliest men she had ever seen, and they were handcuffed to eachother face to face for two months.

The second week the second woman stepped on a duck and the same thing happened to her.

Nine months had passed, and the third woman hadn't stepped on a duck and St. Peter showed up with the most beautiful man she had ever seen. They were handcuffed face to face like the others. She asked him what she had done to deserve him. He said, "I don't know what you did lady, but I jut stepped on a duck!"


Posted by: akabezalel

Timmy was a five year old boy.

His mother loved him very much.

A worrier, she was concerned when he started kindergarten about his walking to school.

She walked him to school for a couple of days, but one day he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day.

He wanted to be like the "big boys."

She had an idea how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl Marcy set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy.

She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that a lady was following them every day all week.

Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

"Well, who is she?"

"That's Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much."

"And the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."


Posted by: cgirl








Posted by: cgirl

A woman pulled up to a red light behind another car. The driver of the car in front of her was talking on his phone, and shuffling through some papers on the seat. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice he was still talking on his cell phone. The woman began pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move.

The woman went ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dashboard.

The light turned yellow. The woman blew the car's horn repeatedly, as she yelled and screamed curses at the poor guy.

The man finally noticed the commotion. He looked up, saw the yellow light, and accelerated through the intersection just as the light turned red.

The woman was beside herself, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rage she heard a tap on her window and looked into the face of a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman told her to shut off her engine and step out of the car. The woman obeyed, speechless at what happened.

The policeman then arrested the woman and took her to the police station where she was booked and placed in jail.

After a couple of hours the woman was escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer was waiting.

The policeman handed her the bag containing her belongings, and said, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and screaming and cursing. Then I noticed the *Choose Life* license plate holder, the *Follow Me to Sunday School* bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed that you had stolen the car. Have a blessed day sister!"


Posted by: cgirl

A new pastor moved into town and went out one
Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to
one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to
the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took
out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in
the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card
in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis
3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in
to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the
garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."


Posted by: KingdomWarrior

*How Old Am I?*

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles
from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am
I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called
upon said, "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you
arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and
he's half nuts . . ."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt*****/cleanlaugh


Posted by: Lorica Lass

Q. Why did Abraham leave to sacrifice Isaac when he was 12 years old?
A. Because if he had waited until Isaaac was a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice!

----
A very sinful man died. The brother of the man came to the a preacher and showed him a sizeable check for the Church building fund, then said, "When you speak at the funeral, if you will say that my brother was a saint, you can have this check."

The preacher accepted the check. At the funeral, speaking of the dead man, he intoned, "The departed was a complete scoundrel. He was a liar, a thief and a cheat. However, compared to his brother...he was a saint!"

----
A little boy was having dinner at a friend's house. When the family bowed their heads to pray the boy looked obviously confused. The mother then asked him, "Don't you pray before you eat at your home?" The boy replied, "No, my Mom's a pretty good cook."


Posted by: talena

Quote:
Originally Posted by talena
LOL....I LOVE THE CAT PICTURE!

How long did Cain hate his brother?
>As long as he was Abel.

This is a riddle:
What is greater than Jesus, more evil that Satan, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you will die??

(When asked this question only 17% of Stanford University seniors knew the answer. Yet, 80% of Kindergarten children had the answer right away.)


You have to guess...I will tell the answer later.



SO SORRY GUYS, DID NOT MEAN TO LEAVE YOU WONDERING THIS LONG....
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS ....

"NOTHING"

But you all knew that NOTHING was greater than Jesus, right?


Posted by: cgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by talena
SO SORRY GUYS, DID NOT MEAN TO LEAVE YOU WONDERING THIS LONG....
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS ....

"NOTHING"

But you all knew that NOTHING was greater than Jesus, right?

A ha! I knew it!


Posted by: cgirl

Cat video. . .


Posted by: cgirl

Hmmm. . .I can't see the video I attached.

How can I do this?


Posted by: faith rising

Church Bulletin BLoopers



Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out! and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things

not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.

She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:

"Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend

him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement

Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"


Posted by: cgirl

My pastor told this one before ministry time one Sunday.

I used to ask you to bow your heads for prayer, but you only have one head.


Posted by: faith rising

First, let me say, I do not have anything against blondes. I just thought this was funny, and clean. I hope you enjoy it.


Posted by: cgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by faith rising
First, let me say, I do not have anything against blondes. I just thought this was funny, and clean. I hope you enjoy it.

I just now read this...so hilarious


Posted by: akabezalel

I nearly choked when I read this one!!!

Jerry preaches on this very thing alot!!!

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.

He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.

He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me.. I'm drawin' disability!"


Posted by: faith rising

There was a little boy who was on his way home from church one Sunday. He was sitting in the backseat of the car sobbing. His parents turned around three times and asked him why he was crying. His father finally had enough, and pulled the car over.

"Son, why are you crying?" "I am not moving this car until you tell us why you are crying"!

"Daddy, the preacher told us in church today that he wants us to be raised in good Christian homes, but I want to stay with you guys"!


Posted by: angelofthelord

I am always open to new jokes. I like clean jokes and once in awhile jokes about blonds. But I was brought up that we Christains should never make jokes (good or bad) about our religion. It is bad enough the pagans, occultists, and atheists do it, but for christians to tell jokes that include Jesus, God, the saints, heaven and so forth, I was told they are sins & that telling them is wrong.

Many will say, "Lighten up", but let me ask you, Can you picture Jesus or one of the apostles telling a religious joke..I can't.


Posted by: cgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by faith rising
There was a little boy who was on his way home from church one Sunday. He was sitting in the backseat of the car sobbing. His parents turned around three times and asked him why he was crying. His father finally had enough, and pulled the car over.

"Son, why are you crying?" "I am not moving this car until you tell us why you are crying"!

"Daddy, the preacher told us in church today that he wants us to be raised in good Christian homes, but I want to stay with you guys"!


. lol


Posted by: StarChilde

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelofthelord
I am always open to new jokes. I like clean jokes and once in awhile jokes about blonds. But I was brought up that we Christains should never make jokes (good or bad) about our religion. It is bad enough the pagans, occultists, and atheists do it, but for christians to tell jokes that include Jesus, God, the saints, heaven and so forth, I was told they are sins & that telling them is wrong.

Many will say, "Lighten up", but let me ask you, Can you picture Jesus or one of the apostles telling a religious joke..I can't.
I don't agree... I think I could picture Christ Jesus telling a clean joke about religion... after all religion is man's answer to God... Christ Jesus is God's answer to man. It is God Whom we are subject to, not man.A joke does not have to be demeaning to be funny.


Posted by: Rachel R

Here's one I grew up with. My Mother loved to tell it.


The Women's Missionary Society Convention was a success, but there was a horrible bus crash on the way home and the women of one of the groups were all killed.

In some kind of clerical mix up, they were sent to hell by mistake.

Very soon, Satan stood before God.

"You've got to get those women out of hell," Satan said.

"They are having sales and raising money. They're going to air-condition the whole place!"



And one of my Dad's, (who was a life-long Southern Baptist):

"A man died and went to heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. It was a fabulous tour and he was so glad to be there. It was so beautiful and everyone was happy and rejoicing and free. It was glorious!"

"But on the tour they came to a place where St. Peter said that they had to tiptoe past a long fence and be quiet until they were long past it. He could hear people rejoicing on the other side of the fence, but he did as he was told. When we were in the clear, he asked St. Peter why in the world that happened."

"'That is the Southern Baptist compound. They think they are the only one's here and we hate to break it to them.'"


Rachel R


Posted by: cgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel R
Here's one I grew up with. My Mother loved to tell it.


The Women's Missionary Society Convention was a success, but there was a horrible bus crash on the way home and the women of one of the groups were all killed.

In some kind of clerical mix up, they were sent to hell by mistake.

Very soon, Satan stood before God.

"You've got to get those women out of hell," Satan said.

"They are having sales and raising money. They're going to air-condition the whole place!"



And one of my Dad's, (who was a life-long Southern Baptist):

"A man died and went to heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. It was a fabulous tour and he was so glad to be there. It was so beautiful and everyone was happy and rejoicing and free. It was glorious!"

"But on the tour they came to a place where St. Peter said that they had to tiptoe past a long fence and be quiet until they were long past it. He could hear people rejoicing on the other side of the fence, but he did as he was told. When we were in the clear, he asked St. Peter why in the world that happened."

"'That is the Southern Baptist compound. They think they are the only one's here and we hate to break it to them.'"


Rachel R


Heyyyyyyyyyyy wait a minute....i used to be southern baptist! >: o(
but i liked it anyway, it made me smile, ty!



Posted by: Ready4Rapture

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, 'You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?'

The lady replied, 'Of course I do. It is the Bible.' He said, 'Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?'

She replied, 'Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.'

He asked, 'Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?'

The lady said, 'Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.'

'What if he isn't in heaven?' the man asked sarcastically.

'Then you can ask him.' replied the lady.


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? '3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7'.


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven'. Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: 'Please use other entrance.'


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

My friend replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the Secret Service branch. '


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

A friend recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he
prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging
her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?" (Can you see where this is heading?)
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.


Posted by: MarkSentMe

A pastor was walkig through New York City and went into a church. On the wall was a gold telephone. On the wall next to the phone was a sign "God's Hotline- $10,000 per minute". He asked the priest if that phone was for real. The priest replied,"Oh, yes, it's the real deal." The pastor left and walked on. He went inside the next church and sure enough, there was a gold telephone and a sign "God's Hotline $10,000 per minute". This was the case in every church he visited in New York. He then got on a Greyhound Bus and visited other cities. More gold phones and more signs. He then went down South. The first church he came to was a Southern Baptist Church. Sure enough, there was a gold telephone on the wall. The sign said "God's Hotline 25 cents per minute" He asked the pastor,"That sign says God's Hotline 25 cents per minute. When I was in New York it was $10,000 per minute." The pastor replied,"Well, here it's a local call!"


Posted by: pickone

A husband and wife woke up one morning and decided coffee would be good. The woman looked at her husband and said, "You do it."

The husband said, "No, that's your job."

The wife says, "No, it's not."

He responded, "Yes, it is, the Bible says that the woman is supposed to rise up early and provide for the family and they call her blessed."

She says, "Not for the coffee, the Bible says that's the man's job."

Irritated, he says, "Where?"

She says, "Right here," opening her Bible, "page after page says HE BREWS."


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

At The Beach
A mother was at the beach with her children when her five year old daughter ran up, grabbed her hand and led her to the shore.

"Look, mommy," the little girl said, pointing to a dead seagull in the sand. "What happened to him?"

"Well, sweetheart," the mother explained, "he died and went up to Heaven."

The little girl thought about her mother's explanation for a moment, then asked, "Did God throw him back down?"


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

Wired for Sound

During his sermon, the preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. As he preached, he continued to move briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

At one point, he moved to one side and got caught up in the cord, nearly tripping before he jerked it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the second pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Posted by: Ready4Rapture

The Atheist An elderly woman was very well-known for her strong faith and her boldness in always talking about it. Very often she would stand on her front porch and shout out, "Praise the Lord!"

This would infuriate her next-door neighbor, who happened to be an atheist, and he would shout back at her, "You silly, old bat, there ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send some help. As she stood on her porch, she shouted, "Praise the Lord! God, I am having a hard time and really need some food. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning she went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. Immediately, she shouted, "Praise the Lord!"

Suddenly, her neighbor jumped out from behind a bush and said, "Ha, you dumb, old woman, I told you there ain't no Lord. I bought those groceries, not God."

The old woman began jumping up and down, clapping her hands, and said, "Praise the Lord!" Not only did He send me groceries, He made the devil pay for them!"


Posted by: cgirl

A man won a contract to paint a small church. The man showed up on Monday with his paint but nobody was there to supervise him. The painter was more interested in making a buck than doing a good job. So he took the paint and thinned it with two quarts of water so he wouldn’t have to use so much paint. He painted like this on the first side of the church then began the second. Still nobody had shown up to supervise him so he took the paint and thinned it even more. This was going to be a lucrative job. He had hardly used any paint. Late in the day he began the third side of the church. He looked around and saw that nobody was watching him so he got ready to thin the paint out even more. And all of a sudden, the painter heard from the pastor walking by who was infact watching, “Repaint and thin no more!”


Posted by: StarChilde

Using a Computer
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming,

"It's gone!

It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said,

"Jesus Saves."