Pages: 1

when to aploogize/

(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)

Posted by: jsusfreak

my wife wants me to apologize to her. she basically wants me to admit that all the things she thinks i did to her i actually did. I mean there is a difference between preception and reality.

for example if she was talking gossip and i interrupted her and told her i did not want to participate, she would get angry and tell me i was abusing her because i did not listen to her.

in like manner if she didn't get her way, she would say that i was mor kind and loving to everyone else and treated her badly. she said i could not be in ministry because i treated her badly, and that God cannot use me because i have not apologized to her.

so if i lie to her and tell her I'm sorry when I'm not (i don't think I did anything wrong in the first place), aren't I just lying to keep peace with her? How can God use me when I lie?

Confused.


Posted by: Christian Commando

jsusfreak-

Apologize. God declares we are to be peace makers, love your wife as Christ loves the Church, love yourr wife as you love yourself. Its quite possible, when you have shared things with her, she took offense.

Let her speak her mind, then, if needs correction or direction in what said, lovingly and compassionately share God's Word, directly from His Word if necessary, to show how God views such things.

Remember, you are as falable as she is and makes mistakes too. Remember, God declares we are to love our wives as Christ loves us. Be a sacrifice. God also declares if we have ought with another, to settle the dispute before offering our own gift to God.

Both of you have a right to share things on your mind. But, you can agree to allow a time limit for sharing each point, to allow the other to answer to the specific point or topic shared.

Keep in mind also, Satan would do all he can to tear apart that which God brings together. Don't let that happen, as the battle is not against your wife, or her against you, but Satan against God.

Lord-

We pray for this couple, to touch thier hearts with your Love, to return that first love back towards each other and you. We pray they set thier minds to seeking to do your will only, that this can be a testimony of your Glory thru them. In Jesus Name- Amen!!


Posted by: jsusfreak

so you say to admit the false accusations are true by apologizing?

aren't I supposed to be true to myself and God first? Before trying to keep peace?


Posted by: eagle4him

I know of a case where if the man admits by apology to the false accusations, then by his own apology he is guilty of crimes. I do not believe you need to go that far. It is one thing if you two disagree on where to dine out, and then if you get in an argument it is great to apologize.

That is not what is at stake here. Fales accusations sometimes imply criminal intent. I would not admit to a crime just to keep peace. Run away from the false accuser as fast as you can. they only stir up dissent and cause divisions.

Nip it in the bud or you will be dealing with this the rest of your life.


Posted by: Christian Commando

No, the apology is for your possible part in hurting her, to react as she had. You stated you interupted her. Not good. She has the right to speak her mind. Then you can respond to that, without interupting her.

One of the biggest problems in marriages and close relationships is, each wants to put full blame on the other for what went wrong. Regardless, both hold some level of blame for what went wrong.

This is not putting you in agreement for allowing ad going along with her wrong actions or reactions, but in tying to settle the situation back to where the both of you may be able to start once again as mature Children of God. peacfully and lovingly, discussing the divisions between you and prayerfully bringing them to an end.

There is a clear difference between seeking to bring peace and gentler resolution to a problem, to aiding and abetting another's wrong or negative actions. How did Christ react to those who accused Him wrongly? With loving, gentle compassionate responces. He teaches us to do this as well and not be afraid to be the one to make the first move to resolve divisions.

If you approach her more gentle and lovingly, she will be more apt to sit calmly and listen to you. As stated before, use God's Word if she needs correction or direction, to show where a problem or problems are and need to be corrected. But share ith her such things, in a nonoffensive way.

I'll say this, stay away from self rightceous feelings governing you. As soon as you put pressure on another for that and thier need to change something so it won't hurt you, it won't be long down the road, before they come back at you for making the same or similar mistake against them, making you look no better than them.

In reality, your not anyways. God declares all are equally born in sin. Thus, the point here is to help her understand what is being done thats against God, but be sure you are not doing anything detrimental as well to the relationship.

There is nothing at all wrog in apologizing to another for any part you may have done, to cause the problem. No one is ever "Snow White" clean in a division. This is not aiding and abetting thier wrong actions. Yet, peace must be brought about first, before a calm, loving and compassionate reslution can even be started, to be reached.

The "Fruit of the Spirit" is love joy. peace longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance;, against such, there is no law".

Now, is it your want to resolve this matter with your mate peaceably and lovingly, or as out of context to God as eagle4him as shown in his statement about false accusers and running from them?

If were applied in the right context, eagle would be speaking Truth. In this one, I suggest not, as God ordains marriage and its your wife we are discussing here, not someone on the street.

God delares a process to be gone thru, for working out disputes. Read them and follow thru. By going according to God in this process, you will be right before God in your attempt to resolve the matter according to "His Will", not yours, eagle's, mine or any others.

God declares we are to try and work things out first alone with the one we are divided against. If doesn't work, to bring another along, I'd call that counciling- go thru a professional Christian Councilor, if that don't work, God says to bring it before the Church- Pastor. And be in prayer all the time about this.

God Bless!!


Posted by: MarkSentMe

Our pastor today talked about a man he knows who said,"In an argument, I can be right or I can be happy. I am one happy man!"
You, obviously are not happy.
You do not have to participate in gossip, the Bible tells us we are not to participate in gossip. You can simply state that you are better off NOT knowing this or that about so-and-so. You can also call T.M.I. (Too Much Information) and end the convo'- kind of like a Time Out.
Women and men see things differently. She sees your refusing to listen to gossip as unfeeling or unkind; ask her what she is really feeling and responding to. Are you spending too much time at work or working on your ministry and neglecting her? Maybe she feels like if she had something interesting to talk about, you would be interested.
I am a stay at home mom. My day revolves around getting children to school, cleaning, trying to find time to read, doing laundry, homework, cooking etc. My husband is a soldier and he is also attending college.
We try to reconnect when he comes home.
When your wife is going on about things you feel you have no business (or her either) being involved in, try to redirect her conversation. Ask about how her day went, if she read anything interesting, what's for dinner, etc.
"Keeping Peace" is also known as "Choosing Your Battles". Is it THAT important to be right? I have a 15 year old who right now has a critical spirit and it gets on my last reserve nerve. Rather than go 1 for 1 with her, I choose to deal with her with one deaf ear and one blind eye. My blood pressure stays low and I am spared her shrill voice trying to prove herself right.


Posted by: JeriRose12

Not knowing the siutaiton, how do we really know what to tell you? This is a like Jesus when the two brothers (or friendsw) wanted him to settle a money dispute between them. "Who made me arbitrater between you (two)?" Because we only know your side, we really don't have a clear picture of everything. Marital counseling, where both of you can have your say might be a better way -- then the counselor, having heard both sides, can rightly devide. In most cases, the truth lies somewhere between the two stories -- because all of us have blind spots and faults. No-one is seeing with 100% clear vision. In the past I would have jumped in with an opinionated idea one way or the other, just responding to a quick impression of what I think is happening. . . . This time I am thinking, marital problems might be better dealt with in your local area, with your church pastor or a respected counselor. I do not think it is for us to get into the middle of it.


~JeriRose~


Posted by: Dálach

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsusfreak
my wife wants me to apologize to her. she basically wants me to admit that all the things she thinks i did to her i actually did. I mean there is a difference between preception and reality.

for example if she was talking gossip and i interrupted her and told her i did not want to participate, she would get angry and tell me i was abusing her because i did not listen to her.

in like manner if she didn't get her way, she would say that i was mor kind and loving to everyone else and treated her badly. she said i could not be in ministry because i treated her badly, and that God cannot use me because i have not apologized to her.

so if i lie to her and tell her I'm sorry when I'm not (i don't think I did anything wrong in the first place), aren't I just lying to keep peace with her? How can God use me when I lie?

Confused.


Dude,

She probably just wants you to apologise to her for hurting her feelings. I've been married to the same woman for 19 years and the number three thing is that you can disagree on many things, but you should never use that to hurt each other's feelings. Saying you're sorry when you do will go a long way towards keeping you out of divorce court.

The number two thing is to always listen to her. When she comes home from work she'll tell you things that may sound like gossip, but much of the time she's really just talking out a frustrating situation because she needs to talk about it. If it IS gossip, then simply change the subject. She knows that gossip is wrong... you don't need to remind her. When you change the subject... be sure to change it to something she cares about. If you change the subject to football she has every right to sack you.

Marriage isn't about being right or wrong. It isn't about making her see things your way. It isn't about making her see you as the priest of the house. Marriage is about being one. It's about always having someone who is on your side... and her having someone who is on HER side. It's about having a safe place to land at the end of the day.

And it's often about saying "I'm sorry that I didn't communicate my point well. I hurt you and that was never my intent. I still love you more than life itself so let's talk about it...".


Posted by: eagle4him

I just saw this on Joyce Meyer this morning. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages was talking about the 5 languages of apology!

I don't know if I remember them all, but here's my best shot:

1. I'm sorry
2. I'm sorry--I was wrong
3. Repent: I'm really sorry and I'll try and not do that again
4. Restitution: I'm sorry, how can I make it up to you
5. I'm sorry--please forgive me!

Now he also says that many of us have difficulty in this area. I know myself I like to just say, "I'm sorry" and leave it at that, without going into any more detail. However, if the one I love has a language that wants an admission of wrongdoing, then we're in for a heated debate!

The point is: learn your mate's apology language, and try to meet that expectation.

Boy I wish I had heard this 2 years ago!

Father I hope and pray that it is not too late!

To the one I love, I say
...I'm sorry! I (gulp) was wrong! I (gulp, gulp) hurt you deeply and I am sorry! Please forgive me, if you can. I wish (gulp, gulp, gulp) there was something I could do or say that would show you exactly how I feel. I really never did intend to hurt you. I am sorry for all of the pain and suffering you must be going through because of me. Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?????????????????????????????????????????

Bruce